Hi guys!
Thanks for all the contributions on this forum - I've found it really useful. I'm new to this. I hope it's okay to post here, as my situation is different. My boyfriend doesn't have a formal diagnosis of ADHD (though I think he has it and dual diagnosis is common), but does have formal diagnoses of Asperger's. He's learned lots of social masking so it's really the things that are more ADHD type features that are affecting us. We haven't even been together that long (5 months), but it's been super, super intense. It's flattered and freaked me out in equal measure! It's been quite an experience with lots of grand gestures! I think this it's related to hyperfocus. I feel kinda smothered a lot of the time. He also talks about us getting married and having children everyday. I'm trying not to let it freak me out; It's still a bit intense though.
I can see that he is trying very hard.
I also worry about if we had a family, whether I could manage as I already find it a bit stressful that he is leaning on me to do all the organisational stuff. Because he does things in a hurried way and doesn't pay attention to detail he can make mistakes. So this can be as simple as re-washing dishes he has done to redirecting emails he's copied me into to the right places. His impulsiveness means that he often just buys us tickets without thinking about whether I'm around or have something on or whether it's something I want to do, but I do appreciate the gesture so will often try and just go along with it.
For all these troubles (and to be honest there's more), there is something intangible that makes me think he's lovely. And I know it's not a reason to marry a person, but I've met his parents and love them and it seems mutual. I have so much admiration for his mother - because of her, despite all that life's thrown at him, he is the man he is today. The same childishness that frustrates me also makes him quite transparent. He actually has made a lot of changes since I told him I'd never be able to live that chaotic life and I can see that he's trying so hard. I suppose I do worry that he'll stop trying once he puts a ring on it (how long can you try hard at something that doesn't come naturally), and that life to me would be a nightmare. I know things I take for granted are massive effort for him. In fact, one of the things I admire about him is all the things he's achieved in spite of his challenges. So I know he's hard working (a trait I always appreciate), has much determination (which I think is essential in making a marriage work) and has the sticking power to see through difficult situations.
How have you all managed to get past all the wasted money, impulsive purchases, parking tickets, forgetfulness, lateness, lack of planning etc? I feel like I could manage with a lot of these things, but the money (and parking tickets) and chores would be real challenges...have your spouses changed with time?
*oh and just as an aside, I know I've kinda talked about the negative things, but he's also kind, generous, honest, hard working, determined, loving, principled and caring. He's a very sweet man.
Caution
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
You're very fortunate to have so much knowledge about your boyfriend's asperger's and adhd. So many of us entered into our marriages having no idea that our spouses suffered from any type of condition. It is also amazing that you have so much awareness about your relationship. Again, many of us knew nothing about hyperfocus and had no idea that our spouses' personalities and our relationships would drastically change. I would strongly encourage you to put off getting married until the hyperfocus stage of your relationship wears off. You should realize that your boyfriend's challenges aren't likely to get better. In all reality, they'll get worse as you get older and have more responsibilities. You should also consider the possibility that your children could have asperger's, adhd, or other multiple diagnoses. Now consider the current chaos that you mention and multiply it by two or more. Imagine yourself being left to do all of the organizational work for an entire family. Imagine being hyper vigilant trying to anticipate the problems and the chaos and head them off before they happen. Imagine being solely responsible for the care of the home and the care of the children. Imagine having children that seemed healthy when you brought them home from the hospital, but each year you realize more and more that they aren't developing like their peers. They aren't reaching the same milestones that the other kids are reaching and you're having to work harder and harder taking up the slack for your children's inabilities so they meet the standards that society imposes. Now imagine all of that with a husband that cant keep a job and that is distant, detached, and has no way of understanding or caring that you're stretched too thin and drowning.
Of course this is just a hypothesis. There's no way that I can really predict what being married to your boyfriend would be like. However, this scenario is a reality for many of the people on this board.
I think the intangible quality that you mention about your boyfriend is probably his good heart. I know that's what attracted me to my husband. However, his good heart couldn't overcome the wiring of his brain when the hyperfocus wore off. He's inherently distant and uncaring even though I can tell he still has a good heart. The damage has still been done.
Right on the dot
Submitted by GoingCrazyADHDx2 on
Your comment is right on the dot!
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Submitted by jennalemone on
When I fell in love with my H when we were very young, I thought that he needed me for support and ego and my good reputation. I thought it was an even trade because I needed/wanted easy-going, sexy, humor and he said he loved me very early....I thought he meant it, but looking back, he was mostly a young buck driven by his high sex drive and a "f... the world" attitude"...like a brazen James Dean guy. For some reason I was attracted to that. I was attracted sexually and thought that I saw a diamond in the rough and that he would appreciate my willingness to go the extra mile for him. I thought his bad habits were a product of his home life and that with a life with me, he would be twice as good because I would give him the benefit of my good upbringing and my ability to stroke his tender ego. It's been 40 years now and he had improved some of his habits for awhile...but he used them to get a traveling sales job and play around late at night while I worked and took care of ALL home and childcare responsibilities - all while buying, washing, ironing his clothes and making all the meals including a hot breakfast every morning. At this late stage, he does not remember or appreciate ONE SINGLE THING that I did. He acts like he despises me. And I don't lke him much either. He screamed at me one time "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!!!" I was stunned speechless, but today I know what I would have said if I was quicker with comebacks. I would say, "If I had a sow's ear, I would not be proud of it and wear it like a treasure"
Scared of marriage
Submitted by Shell10 on
The person who wrote the reply, Caution, was spot on. Before my ex and I were even married, my sister observed ,"he has already kicked back and put you in yhe drivers seat". This became a HUGE resentment as time went on. I knew having kids would only exacerbate the problem, so I just said, No. It ended bad after many years of broken promises, 3 trips to counseling and much frustration which lead to poor coping skills on my part. Sorry but it is a rough road. Mine got lost going to my house after we had been dating for months! An hour late to a first date is Nothing.
You Already Know
Submitted by phatmama on
If you read your own post objectively, it is clear that your gut and inner wisdom already have this figured out, but you are trying to work around them because you have developed an attachment and are finding it difficult to let go of that. I find it helpful to think of relationships in terms of "attachment" actually. Once my husband asked if I love him and I "jokingly" said "I have a strong attachment to you". That sounds asinine and cruel, but it is the God's honest truth. What is "love"? Who knows? Attachment on the other hand is a real thing and when you're in it, it can be really hard to break loose. When that attachment is to a positive person or situation, we are in one of life's "sweet spots" and blessings abound, but when that attachment is to something or someone that is all wrong for us (no matter how wonderful they may be) it is astounding how quickly our wonderful lives can turn into train wrecks that make us wish we had never been born. I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said "Keep you eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after". I hope you find a marriage partner in which you do not have to keep your eyes half shut, or even worse, shut as tight as you can so you don't have to see the shit storm your life has become.
Thank you everyone
Submitted by smooti on
There's lots of wisdom in everything you've all said, I know. And thank you so much for taking the time to respond. If I'm honest, at the moment, I just don't know. I see the wisdom in what you're saying, but some days I think we're different and we'll be able to manage and the next day I'm not so sure. We're spending a little time apart to help me to think about it without the pressure from him. I know this is like asking the length of a piece of string, but... how much longer can I expect this hyperfocus to last?!