Thanks for all the contributions on this forum - I've found it really useful. I'm new to this. I hope it's okay to post here, as my situation is different. My boyfriend doesn't have a formal diagnosis of ADHD (though I think he has it and dual diagnosis is common), but does have formal diagnoses of Asperger's. He's learned lots of social masking so it's really the things that are more ADHD type features that are affecting us. We haven't even been together that long (5 months), but it's been super, super intense. It's flattered and freaked me out in equal measure! It's been quite an experience with lots of grand gestures! I think this it's related to hyperfocus. I feel kinda smothered a lot of the time. He also talks about us getting married and having children everyday. I'm trying not to let it freak me out; It's still a bit intense though.
I can see that he is trying very hard.
I also worry about if we had a family, whether I could manage as I already find it a bit stressful that he is leaning on me to do all the organisational stuff. Because he does things in a hurried way and doesn't pay attention to detail he can make mistakes. So this can be as simple as re-washing dishes he has done to redirecting emails he's copied me into to the right places. His impulsiveness means that he often just buys us tickets without thinking about whether I'm around or have something on or whether it's something I want to do, but I do appreciate the gesture so will often try and just go along with it.
For all these troubles (and to be honest there's more), there is something intangible that makes me think he's lovely. And I know it's not a reason to marry a person, but I've met his parents and love them and it seems mutual. I have so much admiration for his mother - because of her, despite all that life's thrown at him, he is the man he is today. The same childishness that frustrates me also makes him quite transparent. He actually has made a lot of changes since I told him I'd never be able to live that chaotic life and I can see that he's trying so hard. I suppose I do worry that he'll stop trying once he puts a ring on it (how long can you try hard at something that doesn't come naturally), and that life to me would be a nightmare. I know things I take for granted are massive effort for him. In fact, one of the things I admire about him is all the things he's achieved in spite of his challenges. So I know he's hard working (a trait I always appreciate), has much determination (which I think is essential in making a marriage work) and has the sticking power to see through difficult situations.
How have you all managed to get past all the wasted money, impulsive purchases, parking tickets, forgetfulness, lateness, lack of planning etc? I feel like I could manage with a lot of these things, but the money (and parking tickets) and chores would be real challenges...have your spouses changed with time?
*oh and just as an aside, I know I've kinda talked about the negative things, but he's also kind, generous, honest, hard working, determined, loving, principled and caring. He's a very sweet man.