Blame and False accusations

Hi Everyone

I am new to this site and this is my first participation.  I want to start by saying a huge big thank you.  After reading some of your stories I feel less alone and more sane!!!!  I am sure that most of you have felt, like me, that you are loosing your mind and that there must be something terribly wrong with you.  My adhd man can be so convincing and manipulative at times that in the 11 yrs we have been together i have questioned myself and my own values and sanity.


He has just started some new meds after seeing a new psychiatrist.  One that he says he likes (for now).  So i am hoping that this time he will stick with it for more than the normal  3 weeks.  There seems to still be confusion whether he is bipolar or adhd.  Research i have done shows very similar characteristics in both?? 

Many of the symptoms i am able to live with and work around.  The main areas of difficulty for me are the unreasonable rage/anger outbursts.  Even those in themselves i can at times try and deal with.  What i cant seem to get my head around and cope with is the blame and accusations and the silent treatment that follows.


In my experience, there has never been an anger/rage outburst where he has taken responsibility for himself.  It has always been my fault because he says i provoke him with my words, tone of voice and actions.  For years i have been overly aware of what, how and where i say things, so as not to provoke and anger outburst which always involves blame, accusations and is then followed by days sometimes weeks of silent treatment.  I am able to let a lot of things go but blame sends me insane.  If i try and explain or reason with him he just gets worse.  I am clearly doing something wrong but dont know what to do anymore.  Can anyone help or give me advice on how to handle this that will primarily help me cope with it better?



Unless he has that crazy,

Unless he has that crazy, manic component, he most likely has ADHD. But you're right--the diagnoses are very similar. ADHD have that lack of impulse control that mirrors the symptoms of Bi-polar, but once again, they need that manic part.

As for the rage--there are lot of women on here with husbands that have anger management issues and it's definitely ADHD related. My husband is one of them who deals with it. However, I am lucky that he eventually calms down and apologizes. But still, the rage is pretty scary, especially when he wants to destroy the house. This morning he kicked the covered cat box we have sitting in the upstairs hall way. What a mess! But interestingly enough, he cleaned it up himself without my prompting. I guess he really felt bad. He learned his lesson though--I use a corn based cat litter and he's allergic apparently. He had to take a shower to clear his head after cleaning everything up. :-)

Have you ever sat down with him and said, "Honey, the rages and the recriminations really bother me. What do I say or do that sets me off?" If he can't come up with a reason, then he has a problem that needs to be dealt with. Have you guys ever attended marriage counseling together? My hubby eventually started cooling off after a session or two when I referenced the crazy rages and his threatening to throw the flat screen across the room. He said that he was going to stop doing that. I guess that was threaten to throw things because he has seen destroyed a t-shirt by ripping it apart and then, of course, kicked the cat box down the stairs.

If he goes to a psychiatrist, then it seems that he should be open to marriage counseling. If not, perhaps you can see a counselor? They will probably best be able to give you some coping skills although I don't really think you should have to "cope" with him being such a butthead every time you guys fight. You got to draw the line somewhere, you know?