My wife and I are stuck in a vicious cycle of "the blame game." I'll ask her a question, like "Do you know where the attachment for the vacuum is?" She'll hear it as a criticism, as if I said "I can't find the attachment to the vacuum and it's your fault." She will respond by yelling "I DON'T KNOW." I'll respond by saying "Why are you yelling at me?" And she'll say something like "I'm tired of being blamed for everything." And I'll say "I wasn't blaming you for anything. I was just asking you for help finding something. And what I get is yelled at." And then I'll say something like "I can't even ask you a simple question anymore. I feel like I'm in a mine field." And then it escalates. And as I write this, I realize that my making that last statement is what escalates it into a fight.
I know I can't get her to stop thinking I always criticize her, because sometimes I DO criticize her. And I've been working on doing that less, and complimenting her more. I bite my tongue a lot, but sometimes I just have to say something. But so often she THINKS I am being critical when I am not. (Maybe that is a sign of how critical I have been - sigh.)
So my question is - how do I deal with her anger, insults, sarcasm, etc. when she feels I have been critical but when I haven't? And to those of you who say "just ignore it" - I'm sorry. I've tried that, but I can't just let it go. I am beginning to feel like a battered woman. Someone who is verbally abused. And I know SHE feels like she is constantly criticized. I know that because she ends up saying very hurtful things to me as a way of striking back when she DOES feel criticized.
So here's the situation: she feels like I always criticize her. I feel like she's always snapping/yelling at me. Hence, we are stuck in this "blame game."
The Blame Game
Submitted by madeyoulaff65 on
Well, I am new here, but not new to this.........In my experience the reaction you are getting is probably a standard comeback attitude based on previous situations. If she is constantly feeling attacked she will automatically be on the defense even when you are not. I found for myself it really was just a matter of watching the tone in my voice. I also tend to be a fairly sarcastic person which can come across as hurtful. For your situation, since you can only control your behavior, try to be aware of the tone of your voice. I know when I get frustrated it sounds like anger towards the person I am talking to. Its worth a try. You can break your cycle, and maybe if it is as simple as that she can break hers too. Good luck..............
The tone of my voice
Submitted by Clarity on
The tone of my voice certainly helps. I have to make a conscious effort though (it doesn't come natural) and keep it real level. Which didn't help me one morning when I woke up and asked my husband (sweetly, I thought), "Good morning, can I make you an omelet for breakfast?" He actually snarled "Is that all you can do is make eggs?" It happened in the first few years of our marriage and almost thirty years later, I have never asked him that question again. I learned my lesson real quick!
may sound silly but
Submitted by arwen on
You may have to bend over backwards and go overboard -- I know I have had to do this sometimes with my ADD husband. I find it's helpful to say something as a disclaimer preface, like "I want to ask you something, and I don't mean any kind of criticism of you, I'm just trying to find something out -- " and then follow with the question. You may need to do this *every time* you just want to ask a question, until your spouse comes to understand that you do not mean to criticize when you ask questions.
BUT -- there's a big caveat here -- you *must* really really really be making no criticism, not even a subconscious one. Which means you must first take the time to "set your mind" into a non-judgmental, non-critical mode -- you must truly not care *what* the answer is, just that you get an answer. Otherwise, it will not help. So, *whatever information you get from your spouse*, your response should be a simple, "OK, thanks for the information, I appreciate your help". No further questions like, "why did you do that?" or "how did that happen".
Good luck!
Great Advice
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Hi Awren,
This is great advice and I plan to use it often. I did, just tho other day, do something similar by prefacing something I said with something like "I hope you don't get upset with me for saying this, but . . ." and she didn't get upset when she usuallt would have. But I think your phrasing is even better, clearer. Thanks!
Thanks
Submitted by Hoping4More on
I really appreciate all the good advice people are giving me. I've already started using some of it and things are already better. My wife said to me just last night "I am feeling very close to you." And I am feeling the same. I'm feelingmore loving, and I WANT to be loving. I just hope I can be intentional about keeping it up!
Great News
Submitted by madeyoulaff65 on
I think it is always so rewarding when people "ask for help", and then take all suggestions into consideration and not get defensive as to their own actions. Glad that this place is really a place for help and fellowship, not criticism and finger pointing as is so often the way of the world these days. Hoping4more, I hope for you continued progress in your relationship, and more "loving" to come your way. What a beautiful feeling it must have been when your wife came to you and said those words.............
Awww
Submitted by Hoping4More on
What a sweet comment. It brought a tear to my eye. Yes, it WAS very nice to hear those words. And I agree with your comment about asking for and then accepting advice. That is my intent in using this forum - to understand my wife better and to learn things which will help me become a better ME. Thanks again for your encouragement.