Blame Game

I have been complaining about dh for years (mostly silent complaining but it also came too many times out of mouth).  I wanted to have a husband to love and respect and someone to love and care for me and respect our marriage and me.  Here is how I had been.  I was saying in my head:

1. It is not fair.  He gets to have fun and I get to worry about the future.  I want to be happy like him with no cares and the ability to laugh everything off.  With someone else taking care of the necessities and the security. 

2. I want to be loved and hugged and supported and assured by a spouse, a Dad, a Mom, a sibling, a friend to care for me so that I can feel loved and like a part of the world.  So that the world is not so scary.

3. I don't want to work so hard (harder than others)

4. I want to play and have fun and enjoy my life (like I see other people doing) I want the time, the energy the money and the inspiration to enjoy my days and be proud of myself - proud of us.

5. I want to know what to do.  I want someone to tell me what I should do.  And I want them to walk with me through this.

6. He has been naughty, naughty, naughty.  He should be punished.  Why does he get away with everything?

7. I want a happy ending.  Please, someone, tie this all up in a pretty ribbon for me.

8. I don't KNOW what I want.  I want someone to tell me what I want. I want someone to tell me how to be.

9. I want everyone to like me.

10. I want EVERYONE to LOVE me and help me and support me and be nice to me.

11.  I want to be appreciated, loved, respected and rewarded for all my sacrifices and work

12.  I don't want DH to get the credit for all the things that I did.

13.  I want all the toys, I don't want to share what I have already given away....I want it all back.  I am mad that I made the wrong choices. I want a RE-DO.  I am mad that I just got booby prizes.  I don't want to play anymore. Dh is hurting me.  Tell him to stop.  Hold me. Console me. Tell me that everything will be OK.  Tell me that you will take care of things for me.  Tell me that I am a nice girl and that nice girls get rewarded.  Punish HIM!!!!   Why does he get to play when he didn't do the work?  Why do I have to stay inside while everyone else is playing and having fun?  Make HIM behave!  Why doesn't someone make HIM BEHAVE?  

Poor me!  Oh, poor, poor me. 

Anyone still listening?

I thought not.

DH has been like a child - irresponsible. I have been like a child too....I have been like a tattletale in my mind. I wanted someone to make everyone obey the rules and  -  everything should be equal.  I wanted a mommy or a daddy to make things better and make the scary things in life go away. 

That is not how it is when you are an adult. Life is a little more interesting....and life IS unfair. That is just how it is.

I get to grow up now.  I get to open the door of adultlhood and walk out with the permission I give myself to live my own life and take care of myself.  Dh is not my parent or my guardian or my little child.  My parents are gone.  Unless I want to keep wallowing in self pity, I am going to have to be brave and let the people who will not like me for living my own life.... just not like me.  They will get over it.  They are not going to live my life for me.  I must be strong and let go of the illusion of "soul mate", partner, guardian.  That has been a fantasy I wanted to keep alive.  But it has not really been real...only in my head. Even if DH did not have ADD, I am of the age where I must deal with life like a grown up and take the permission and power that IS MY life to live.   And to accept that I made the choices I made ... good and bad.  And that's what life is.  Making choices and living with the choices that were made...or making changes, if you can, from lessons learned.