I have been complaining about dh for years (mostly silent complaining but it also came too many times out of mouth). I wanted to have a husband to love and respect and someone to love and care for me and respect our marriage and me. Here is how I had been. I was saying in my head:
1. It is not fair. He gets to have fun and I get to worry about the future. I want to be happy like him with no cares and the ability to laugh everything off. With someone else taking care of the necessities and the security.
2. I want to be loved and hugged and supported and assured by a spouse, a Dad, a Mom, a sibling, a friend to care for me so that I can feel loved and like a part of the world. So that the world is not so scary.
3. I don't want to work so hard (harder than others)
4. I want to play and have fun and enjoy my life (like I see other people doing) I want the time, the energy the money and the inspiration to enjoy my days and be proud of myself - proud of us.
5. I want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what I should do. And I want them to walk with me through this.
6. He has been naughty, naughty, naughty. He should be punished. Why does he get away with everything?
7. I want a happy ending. Please, someone, tie this all up in a pretty ribbon for me.
8. I don't KNOW what I want. I want someone to tell me what I want. I want someone to tell me how to be.
9. I want everyone to like me.
10. I want EVERYONE to LOVE me and help me and support me and be nice to me.
11. I want to be appreciated, loved, respected and rewarded for all my sacrifices and work
12. I don't want DH to get the credit for all the things that I did.
13. I want all the toys, I don't want to share what I have already given away....I want it all back. I am mad that I made the wrong choices. I want a RE-DO. I am mad that I just got booby prizes. I don't want to play anymore. Dh is hurting me. Tell him to stop. Hold me. Console me. Tell me that everything will be OK. Tell me that you will take care of things for me. Tell me that I am a nice girl and that nice girls get rewarded. Punish HIM!!!! Why does he get to play when he didn't do the work? Why do I have to stay inside while everyone else is playing and having fun? Make HIM behave! Why doesn't someone make HIM BEHAVE?
Poor me! Oh, poor, poor me.
Anyone still listening?
I thought not.
DH has been like a child - irresponsible. I have been like a child too....I have been like a tattletale in my mind. I wanted someone to make everyone obey the rules and - everything should be equal. I wanted a mommy or a daddy to make things better and make the scary things in life go away.
That is not how it is when you are an adult. Life is a little more interesting....and life IS unfair. That is just how it is.
I get to grow up now. I get to open the door of adultlhood and walk out with the permission I give myself to live my own life and take care of myself. Dh is not my parent or my guardian or my little child. My parents are gone. Unless I want to keep wallowing in self pity, I am going to have to be brave and let the people who will not like me for living my own life.... just not like me. They will get over it. They are not going to live my life for me. I must be strong and let go of the illusion of "soul mate", partner, guardian. That has been a fantasy I wanted to keep alive. But it has not really been real...only in my head. Even if DH did not have ADD, I am of the age where I must deal with life like a grown up and take the permission and power that IS MY life to live. And to accept that I made the choices I made ... good and bad. And that's what life is. Making choices and living with the choices that were made...or making changes, if you can, from lessons learned.
I hear you
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemon,
I understand what you have said.
It was a rude awakening for me when I realized what I have done to my relationship, what I thought I had in a relationship, and how hard I worked at making our happy home. Worked for a while. I thought. And then the day I had that rude awakening, I saw quite clearly that I had been playing follow the leader, thinking my spouse was following me in building our family life and home. But my spouse did not follow me - at all. No wonder I am so exhausted. I was doing it all - thinking I was doing things right.
How could I be so blind for so long?
#1 seems to be the root of my
Submitted by Sabbate36 on
#1 seems to be the root of my frustration personally. Anything else can be dealt with, but I sometimes get so tired of always having to be the responsible one. It goes back much further than DH if I'm really want to honest with myself and sometimes I just get sick of it, but I feel like focusing on the positives help me get past this. It seems to be the only thing that really works.
I do understand that list!
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
#2 is the one that really gets to me - I could deal with pretty much everything else if I had that love, the hugs, the tenderness and adoration that a wife SHOULD get from her husband. I could deal with ANYTHING if I had that. Right now, we are in the midst of a separation and its killing me inside. I just want him to come home. Its very very hard to handle any of those numbers for sure. :-(
Loving relationships
Submitted by jennalemon on
"If you want a good relationship, then become a valuable person. Learn to set boundaries, negotiate, and make others trade fairly with you to meet both your needs. Work to feel good about yourself too and don't rely on others for validation. Do that and you will have satisfying relationships, with desirable people, and experience real loving interactions. Don't do those things, continue to complain, and life will not change."
This is a good attitude about loving relationships. I am struggling with how to do this with a husband who will NOT negotiate or trade fairly. He is a spouse who might agree to all attempted negotiations and then "forgets" to follow through. Or he procrastinates indefinitely. Or he does his own thing instead and says outright "I am not doing that". I am working on becoming a more valuable person myself and to not need validation from him. That means not reacting to things he says and does....just naming the bad feelings that he stirs up in me.....and responding to myself with the question, "What do I want in this situation?"
This is how I have to work so that I have some integrity with myself and don't lose my self in his total disinterest (inability?) in working together.
Disinterest/inability
Submitted by Standing on
Maybe neither? Does this make sense... the problem seems to be that there's so little recognition of the spouse as a separate individual that the concept of working "together" is meaningless? For me, it's like I am always in my husband's head (not my choice!!) and he cannot distinguish between what I may have actually said and imagination. I can't tell you how many times I've heard him tell somebody about something "we" did or that "we" are going through ... when the subject matter had absolutely nothing to do with him & he did not participate one iota. Could it be that the flip side of this may also apply? When you think about it feels like being along for the roller-coaster ride with add, maybe it's literally that way in his mind, too... in his world, we Are there, like an alter ego, because he's incorporated us... so it's a moot point whether our actual views, opinions, and wishes have been consulted or not. Yikes, giving myself a headache now. Sorry, it has been a day.
P.S. on edit: # 6 and # 11 here, Big time.
disinterest/ altering reality
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Interesting, Standing. I've heard my husband tell stories about things we "did" where he completely changed the events of what happened. Of course, he always changes it to where he was the "victim" of someone else's misdeeds. (even if HE was the one who CAUSED a problem or event) He recently went on a trip and got caught by the police TWICE for traffic violations. He would have raked me over the coals if I did that, but he just "dismissed" his actions as nothing big, and also blamed one of the cops for "picking on him". wow.
Confabulation
Submitted by Standing on
Dedelight, Yes! Most of my husband's yarns appear to be for the purpose of inflating his self-image and often make it sound to the listener like he single-handedly accomplished some great deed. In general, he is not much of a blamer, unless someone tries to hold him accountable... in which case, you can count on his interpretation to be that it was the other person's fault. The first instance seems to me to be due to conscious lying. The second seems to be a finely tuned defense mechanism combined with confabulation/memory disturbance. I don't usually try to sort the two any more, but I'm in the process of picking a couple of the most severe misinterpretations to review with counselor next visit, since my husband has agreed to come with. (I will believe that when it happens.) I'm with you on the "dismissing" business, especially on near-misses. Instead of seeming to learn anything from mistakes, he is happy to say "o well, it all worked out". Eeek. That tells me that, for him, history will always repeat itself!
On the subject of his viewing us as "one" (literally!)... this is making more sense to me by the minute, in light of the fact that when he feels worst about himself (or, at least, has reason to), he seems to also treat me worse! He really does seem to view us as though we are conjoined! Any expression of individuality on my part simply does not compute to him. I am also used regularly as his outlet for trying new things... as though, if I eat veggies, for instance, then he has really improved his diet. (Weird, I know, yet true,) Sigh. What a deal.
This so true dedelight4:)
Submitted by c ur self on
This is funny...most of our arguments have started this way...Everybody can forget the details of something...but, add seems to make it worse...esp..if there is any emotional tension...It isn't worth the back and forth bantering, so I'm learning to just shut-up! (note to self: see last statement) ...In the end, the cost isn't worth being right...Not if peace is what we seek :)...besides, when/and if :) I shut up...and she senses the threat is gone and she has won!...sometimes the reality of this hollow victory will cause her to say...Hey, well, you maybe right...that's when you turn your head and smile the other way...and I can expect a punch to arm about then...:)
You touched on the story of many of our lives with this!
Submitted by c ur self on
You mentioned illusions...One thing that has caused and continue's to cause me to suffer so many hells in my marriage and life in general.. is living in the illusion that causes me to vest myself mentally, emotionally and even physically in "thinking I know how things should be".
I admire your musings
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Jennalemon,
Good for you! I really admire all of your thoughts here. It really takes a lot of insight and self-reflection to come to the recognition that we often want someone to take care of us, and that we want so much to be loved and admired in life. I don't mean to over generalize too much, but I think all little girls have this desire to more or less of a degree, and we don't always lose these needs when we grow up into womanhood. And then we marry our ADHD husbands, and those desires don't just go away because life gets hard. They are still there, and what do we do? We keep the dream alive more or less, until we recognize that it's just a dream, and life doesn't make all our dreams come true. Then it's time to wake up and decide to be grown-up women, and taking care of our own needs and wants becomes the priority.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. They are very supportive and valuable, and show a lot of strength and inner resolve. I hope they will be read by the masses.
I wish you well.