blended family and ADD-husband

My ADD husband and I have only been married 22 months. He has 3 children and I have 3.  Our problems started before marriage but i had no idea about his Add until probably the last 4 months.  He has been on meds for about 6 mo but he told me it was for PTSD. Our problems have been with procastination, not following-thru, unfinished projects, and of course the division of responsiblity in our blended family.  He feels I hate his kids because I refuse to do it all in our home. We have a business together and I have issues there too. He says my angerand hatred for his kids is what is tearing us apart. I have endless conversations with him and at times he agrees he needs to help out more, he tells me he doesn't know ho and will allow me to lead him and his children in to a life with structure and routines. .his kids are suffering from his lack of discipline and structure. He has rules that change every day depending on his mood. I never know what type of day we will have... I am afraid to speak because I have no way of predicting if my choice of words will be welcomed or if they will be considered nagging and gripping.  I have left several times and I come back because he promises he will try... sometimes he does and then he stops... if I don't complain he thinks all is great and when I tell him I am unhappy he says he doesn't get it because we have been getting along great.  I do not know what to do... Now that I know its ADD i understand but I feel so much anger and feel so much pain because I am constantly being blamed... I hear from him that I would rather be living in a clean home than to be happy... one day he tells me he will do whatever it takes to turn this marriage around and the next day he tells me he is tired of me trying to change him.   I am ready to leave him again for good... i love him but I cant see myself on this roller coaster any longer... although we have been married for less than 2 yrs i have dated him for almost 5.... i had no clue that he had ADD, he tried really hard while we dated... within two months of us living together our problems were always about responsibility, he feels i should take care of all the household chores and of his kids.... he wants to be the "good dad" out of guilt and leave all the discipline to me, i have refused to do this.... we have been to counseling for 20 months, to work on communication.....ADD was never addressed although towards the last 2 months of counseling he stopped going and the counselor advised me that my husband was either unwilling or unable due to a chemical inbalance.... after that i started to research this ADD topic.... when I told my husband two weeks ago that i thought he might have ADD, he calmly told me that he is taking meds for it ( he attended a VA counselor for some time in what i thought was to treat PTSD). I am so angy and sad at the same time that I have to pack myself up and my kids and leave, i have to start over, i gave up a good job to do a business with him just about 5 months ago, i have had so much faith and i have none today.

You have the same double

You have the same double whammy I did...blended family and ADHD spouse. Your story reads almost like mine..except we were 6 years into our marriage and getting along perfectly and then we got custody of his daughter and things almost immediately went completely out of control. We had the same differing opinions on how to raise her or how to handle things as you do with your husband. His ADHD was undiagnosed until years later, but now I see that it just went completely out of control when the fighting started between us. He felt put in the middle. I felt like he cared more about her happiness than mine...going to far as to going against me even when he knew she was wrong (later admitting this to me). I stepped in and became her disciplinarian and she hated me for it. He felt every decision I made was wrong, but would let her get away with murder if I didn't try and do something. It not only almost cost me my marriage, it cost my own children DEARLY. They went from a happy, peaceful home life to hell.

Even with professional help, counseling for years, nothing ever changed. I can see now how the constant chaos made him completely unravel. Like your husband, he just wanted everyone to get along...and when I would be in misery, he would think things were just fine. The only advice I can give you is to fight for some type of compromise that will at least make you both content, even if you don't get all you wanted. This could be more about 'control' than him not wanting to help, especially if he's proven in the past that he can carry his share of the household duties. Are the kids old enough to take some of the chores? Divide some stuff up for them to do and rotate the list to make it fair. If help around the house would make you feel even a little better about things, then figure out what your options are and start asking in a different way for help. Have you read Melissa's book?  It has some very helpful advice on this and many other issues. Find a way to take the children (i.e. his relating you wanting help with the house to your feelings for them) off of the table. You have a large family, you're going to need help. You need to find a way to make him see that...and you need to sit down and come up with a plan together that will make you both happy.

My sympathies are with you. Our marriage improved some when he stopped expecting me to make a relationship with my SD happen where there was no hope of one and I started understanding that regardless of my feelings, he is her dad. She moved out in June of 09 and our marriage improved greatly after that. It is a very sad reality for us both, but it is what it is.

blended family and ADD-husband

i appreciate your story.....We have tried to delegate the responsibilities to all the kids.... his and mine...I always follow thru with making sure that mine take care of their chores, he doesn't.....If i tell him that he needs to follow thru when they do not do their chores, he gets upset and says i am always gripping about his kids.... this weekend i decided I will not go to him anymore that I will make sure that his kids do their ciores, he agreed, we will see how this one goes.  I can't understand also how he can be so passionate about things that are important to him, he will make sure things are done if he asked for something to be done... it upsets me because most days he is very loving towards me, walks around saying he loves me so much and will do anything for me... until I need his attention on something.... i know i have to give up some control.... I am about to pick up melissa's book..... not sure how much it will help..... i am tired of feeling unloved, i tell my husband that i need him to love my in my language some  of the time... i need his help.... he accuses me of being an "angry', "mean" person and I feel he has really convinced himself of this.  This is the part that hurts the most one day he is loving, he claims he has no idea what he would do without me and the next day I am the worst wife I know of....not sure what will happen... I am simply tired

If he is OK with you

If he is OK with you delegating and keeping track of ALL of the kids doing their chores, then so be it. MANY psychologists will tell you that, as a step parent, you should have no part in their discipline and such...not sure how they expect the children to get any if the other parent isn't willing.

I would like to make one suggestion. If there will be 'punishment' or 'reward' for not doing/doing chores, you and he need to agree on it and put it in writing so that he cannot say he didn't agree to that. Be willing to compromise and consider his opinions on what these should be. We tried everything from offering $1 a day if all chores were done to punishing if they weren't...neither worked well, but I never had his support.

Be fair, put everything in writing..make charts..have everyone check off their job for the day..so that you can protect yourself from his accusations of bias..but get the kids moving and get the help you need. I make our daughter unload the dishwasher for me everyday and it really helps!

Your story sounds very familiar. If I had to guess I would say that he honestly just wants everyone to get along...and if he's willing to let you take over the chores, getting you the help you need, then go for it. Eliminate any and every 'reason' for fights that you can. You're in a tough situation...I have been in your shoes. I've been made to feel like an absolute monster for trying to parent my SD. If I had it all to do over again....

Best of luck to you! Please keep us posted!