Blessing in disguise

I was in a relationship for 10 months with a guy with ADHD. The hyperfocus really felt like heaven, but I should have never ignored the red flags I saw since the beginning (drinking out of control, impulsivity, circular arguments, etc.)


It ended with me in hospital bleeding almost to death (mioma in my uterus, eccessive bleeding and an anemia that almost killed me). He left without checking if I was ok, without a word, to go see his daughter. The encounter with his mum was even worse (she is also an alcoholic and a Karen who can't ever give up his son-husband, regardless of the fact that this dynamic would actually ruin his life, to put it lightly). It was heartbreaking, confusing, and humiliating.


I might never have a baby, due to age and health (but never say never). I have no parents nor siblings and a family is really what I want in my life. So, to think that I wasted what could be my last year of fertility ruining my health with a man who never really cared about me is dreadful, sad, and tragic.


But as I see and read other people's stories, I realise I have been lucky. Having a child with this man might have ruined my life forever. At least it is a clean cut, financially I still have my own resources and independence, and can look after my health and my future with no baggage (apart from the healing I am still doing).


All the things I read here (financial irresponsibility, addiction, argumentative weekends over nothing, the coldness and ignoring of my desperation and tears, procrastination, projection, resentment over chores and  committments previously agreed upon, everything half assed, having to pick up after him all the time, and forgetting about all the help and support provided) happened to me, too.


It is a blessing in disguise that it only lasted that long and yet I still feel like a fool for trying so hard for nothing.


I have learnt not to ignore red flags, even the small ones. My intuition was right when I met him, I felt a clear "no" coming from inside and had two instinctual thoughts to motivate it: 1) too much feminine energy coming from him, I'll end up having to be "the man" and it's not my role and 2) he should rather worry about the future of his daughter (from a previous relationship) than his hair loss (priorities all wrong). I still gave him a chance and got swept away by the hyperfocus. Never again.


This is a very talented guy who sings and plays the guitar, and moves people to tears. I have learnt that those emotions are worth nothing, even if intense, since they mean no connection towards prioritising the wellbeing of people he supposedly loves so much. Of course I was the one trying everything to help him heal, both before and after we understood the problem was ADHD, to no avail.


He just looked away and took no responsibility for any of the above, including his condition.


I am still recovering (anemia and mioma) but it is easier alone in the house, with no support, than with him and his chaos and indifference around me. 


If you are heartbroken because your partner broke up with you and didn't try hard enough in spite of declarations of love, think of it as a blessing in disguise. 


My future is mine and with no strings attached. Whether I'll have a child or not, I am happy I got away relatively ok. 

From now on, I know that love=actions and consistent behaviour, and I am really cherishing the fact that I can have a life of my choice instead of being dragged into emergency and chaos constantly.


Oh, of course we were living in the house I own, he was supposed to look after the bills, and after agreeing he started backpedaling and angrily fighting what he forgot he had agreed to. Now I am renovating the house, so that the memories of all the bullshit, which happened here and which I didn't deserve, will be also gone, soon.


Good luck everyone. Look after yourself.