Hi- It's been a while since I've been here, but I find myself coming back over and over again as this is the only place where I feel like there are others like me who are struggling and clinging and smiling and trying to hang on during the CRAZY ride of long-term marriage to an unrepentant (albeit medicated) ADD spouse. My husband has "blown up" 8 jobs in the last 12 years (quitting because of some perceived injustice or being unappreciated in his mind), and finally, after a hiatus after bailing on the last one 2 years ago, got a part-time job at a local school. It was kind of his dream job- flexible, working with and to support kids, and with a kind, although overextended boss. He's had the job since last year, and everything has been going okay, although there have been the usual "flare-ups" of perceived injustice, he's managed to hang on. Today, he fired off an email to the whole staff in which he countered his boss- before he did it, he told me he was going to and mentioned "Oh- I just realized I forgot to take my Concerta today." I responded with the suggestion that maybe this was not the time to send the email, and you can imagine what happened next. He sent it, I expect that he will get fired tomorrow or, more likely, he will "decide this is not a good fit." Now he's moping around that he's a loser and that he can't get along with anyone. I'm having a hard time coming up with a pep-talk and after being in therapy for a while to try to figure out how to deal with him and survive in our marriage (I *do* love him and we a child who need 2 parents), I no longer enable him by telling him that everything is fine, because IT'S NOT. I think he is right that if he loses/quits this job, he is really unemployable, and although he talks about wanting to start a business, his people skills are so poor that there is no way that will work and we both know that. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with the "blowing things up" phenomenon and how you handled it (without divorce). I am back to having that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering how the hell I'm going to be able to keep doing this- I am now taking care of a dying parent and my child- I'm again feeling like I'm at the end of my rope. Thanks for any advice that's out there.
"Blowing things up."
Submitted by suz23 on 02/08/2011.
I know the feeling
Submitted by Lynnw on
The last job my husband had, he insulted his supervisor, broke into the company's computer "looking for games to play", and fell asleep on the job. It's a wonder he lasted as long as he did (almost a year) before they fired him. The job before that lasted one day (his boss said he "wasn't a good fit"). I had no solution. I tried to separate our finances, but that's impossible to do when you are married. Whatever hole he goes down, the family goes with him. I divorced him; sorry. On a positive note, he pays more in child support now than he contributed when we were married.
I have the same problem here.
Submitted by going crazy on
I have the same problem here. Although I read a lot about ADHD men who have a hard time holding a job, until I read your posting I was yet to see someone in a so similar situation. My husband has had 12 jobs in the past 8 years! Most jobs last about 1 to 3 months. I think he had one job where he worked for about 5 months, but that was it. In addition to the untreated ADHD, he was spoiled by having a job with his family for more than 20 years. Spoiled to the point that a lot of times he didn't have to show up to work to collect his paycheck. Besides the fat paycheck he also had perks such as company credit card, insurance fully paid for, a lot of vacations, and the list goes on. When his father decide to close the business, it wasn't overnight believe me, he had plenty of warnings but never believed it would actually happen. His dad gave him the option to run the business himself but he didn't think he was capable of. And I think he was right. As sad as it sounds, he most likely would have failed by now. After that (8 years ago) it was one job after another after another. He either gets himself fired somehow, or quits. Just like that! It continues to amaze me, even thought it shouldn't because I know it's coming eventually. He usually doesn't get along with the manager or a co worker, or he thinks they don't know how to run their business and he knows better, or some other excuse.....
We have 2 young kids and I am the only source of income right now and have been for the most part. I tried everything, I fought him, I tried to be compassionate, to understand, tried to show him he needed help (at one point he did take ritalin and was going to counseling, but hasn't been for several years), I even tried to find jobs for him such as applying on his behalf! I know this is crazy but living with a person like this makes you do crazy stuff! About 3 years ago I divorced him. After a long fight I ended up leaving with the kids and moving into another house. I told him we still had a chance if he did the right thing and kept his end of the bargain. He just took off, moved away, and with the help of his father (against my suggestions) he managed to live a decent life away from here and completely cut relationship with his children. Did not call, did not write, completely wrote them off and "pretended" they didn't exist. I was doing great for a while but the kids not so much. They started failing in school and presenting behavioral problems. I think that I wasn't really as strong as I first had anticipated, I became increasily depressed (which I was already but was taking meds and counseling), kids weren't doing good. My family is far, so I was left with a decision to make: I was going to get back together with him or I was going to move to be close to my family. I chose to get back with him. He hadn't done anything to show me that he changed or that he would do anything diferent than before. But I accept to have him back and wrote down some conditions for that to happen. Obviously he agreeded with everything and thought what I was asking was very reasonable. Yeah right! I made a fool out of myself. Back in the same situation, 2 years of unemployment for him, same as before, maybe a little worse. Shame on me for letting myself be fooled not only once but twice.
So I understand of codependency. I know that I am an enabler and codependent. I am working hard to change myself. I put myself in this situation, I have to get out of it. I am to the point that I barely talk to him except to talk about the kids or any other trivial subject. I started counseling a few weeks ago and started back on my meds that I wasn't taken for a while.
Really I dont think he will ever change. I can't expect that. I can only change myself and that's what I am started to do. I read this site a lot and posted a few times. He is verbally abusive, he says hurtful things. Just like about a couple of hours ago, just before dinner, he wanted to know why I wasn't buying any more steaks. That we used to eat steaks all the time and we haven't in a while. So I told him that I didn't care for steaks and wasn't going to spend the money with it. I didn't say that I couldn't afford, which I should have said because that's the truth. But I just didn't say. He comes back 15 minutes later and tells me, with teary eyes nonetheless, that he would never use food to punish me for something! I was in shock! What the hell was that. Now he thinks I have an obligation to buy him steaks for dinner! Give me a break. If it was a while ago I would have felt bad about myself, but today I just felt sad and hurt. How ungrateful can someone be? I provide everything. I put food on the table, I pay rent, utilities, cable tv, internet, cell phone, etc..... How ungrateful can someone be? I was so hurt, first of all I don't have an obligation to provide for him. We are not even legally married anymore. He always had food on the table. Not one day, one single day since he has been living here with me, he had no food on the table, or no place to sleep, or no hot water, and the list goes on. So I realized how pathetic I am. How stupid and clueless I can be. Really, I am not doing anything for revenge. I am just not doing the things I USED to do because I always got in trouble for it (financial trouble) for spending more than I make. I am trying to live within my means and not overspend. I could just have said that. But I didn't. Shame on me again.
I don't think it gets better. I don't think that an ADHD person who has had a pattern of numerous jobs all of a sudden changes without proper treatment. Sorry but that's just my opinion and experience. I hope I am wrong, I really do.