Iam new here, and i read some post's and i have to say.. is wow.. i almost cried and i smiled and this forum is a wonderful place and i really hope to have open-minded conversations with people who can relate.. or even advise! ^_^
first; let me point out right away.. We are NOT married, and we are BOTH females. It would be really great if any negative opinions be kept on the back burner. We both are twenty-five and are at different points (or viewpoints) in our lives..
Ive lived a crazy life..hell.. imma crazy person.. i love tattoos, i love to party.. i love to be myself. (and being that takes MUCH sticking up for myself then to just be what everyone would expect of me) I was always looked at like a loud-mouthed rebel who loved to make people laugh and all that good stuff.. but i am now (and has been in the last 2 years) at a point where i want to feel that feeling of coming home at the end of the day knowing i did good.. that i was productive..
I started dating this Girl named Katherine about 2 and a half years ago.. (now mind you, we both had been known to date around and party often at the time.. ) and when we started getting to know each other, i felt real with her.. here you have this wonderful, very sweet BIG hearted girl who loves to bring people joy.. and wow.. shes got ADHD too? (oh.. keep in mind i was just diagnosed with this about 6 months prior..)
She had been diagnosed since she was a kid, ive always had a feeling i might've had it.. but the schools tested me through out my whole school career.. they just said i had a "learning disability" ..(oh that tells me a lot). I barely made it out of high school.. and on to college i went..
i was in a relationship with an Ex.. from the time i was 17.. to 21.. This girl was the poster child of perfectionist's.. She graduated with high honors in 2 majors, one minor and was in cuma sum lade (sorry if i spelt it wrong).. She only had one B ... (and fought it all the way up to the dean for about a year..) So those of you in my shoes are probably cringing by now. I don't blame you, i hadn't been tested for this yet and so you could imagine this R-ship was very rough. Ives been verbally and mentally abused through out most of the Rship (and this is something i couldn't bring myself to admit till about a year ago...) I STILL feel the after affects of the harsh words, the constant criticisms and overall general feeling that i was Dumb, "lazy" and the whole nine yards. everything i did (or didn't do) was not on her "level"..
Because I'm with this wonderful person (that i hope to someday marry if we can ^_^) who is on much larger dose of meds then me.. and who gets on levels of energy that i myself cant even comprehend! here i am, always worried if someone is going to make me feel dumb.. getting annoyed.. angry.. and just fed up with the one person that understands me!
i came here because ive been so desperate.. we are not on the verge of break up.. or separation.. but its gotten to the point where i need an outlet, i need to be able to speak.. shes very sensitive.. and nothing hurts more then when shes bouncing around and i get annoyed and quick snap at her and she looks at me like a sad little puppy.. "oh.. im sorry hunny.. " and shes silent.. she didn't mean it.. she was just being her. I see myself in her when she looks that sad.. it breaks my heart.. and i need this site to really click with ppl who get us both ^_^
she has a job, mon-fri.. a "normal" job.. whereas i have the all-over random shifts type of job and i;am in college (3rd one by the way.. )
She went to school already and had no interest in going back.. but she has no interest in doing anything around the house either.. so she comes home, falls asleep and i come home.. clean up after her (meds still kicked in) then by this time im settled. homework is not getting done..
we've been trying to stay away from the "scene" - trying to stay in more.. i find myself being so very easily begged into going out drinking till 4 am (meanwhile she calls into work and doesn't care while i go into work for a 12+ hour shift in less then 4 hours. which is what happened today).. she spends money till shes in the hole and i have to try and help out..
she looses important things we need.. Her tendency to interrupt and talk over me and speak for me while i talk to my friends has become such an issue that i am thinking of ways to avoid conversation altogether..(trust me, its pretty bad.. we have mutual friends and its to a point where i sometimes just don't speak anymore.. ) When i confront her, she gets so upset. shes so sensitive(and i try to not "give in" to her being so upset, but it makes things worse) it turns into a huge fight.. and of course those don't ever fix things.. -Ive been working on being more sensitive, but i notice she gets very snappy with me more often.. -
So here i am, pretty much working on my temper and using my words better, and she starts getting irritated easier.. she started lying to me. We fight about the same 5 things ALL the time.. when she says "well my ADD..." it instantly angers me.. i have it, the only difference is that i have been seeing specialists, taking meds, writing to do lists, stressing the hell out trying to make myself apart of the "normal" productive society, but i feel shes dependent on me, but doesn't like when i try to keep her on track..
I want to graduate.. I'm also an artist.. i want to do things in my life that will make me happy and feel accomplished..
---i don't know, sorry for rambling.. its a pretty long story and i had to kind of skim through it---
ive been going days without sleeping to the point where im too tired and spaced out to concentrate on my homework.. (its already SO hard enough to do this.. this stress adds to it..and makes it so much easier to avoid it)
its kind of the blind leading the blind kind of a feeling.. i can barely take care of myself. let alone her.. but i know she doesn't mean it.. she's got the biggest heart ive ever seen.. but she thinks im being controlling.. and i can feel that that's what ive turned into....
---she spent a whole day at home a while back crying because she had lost something important and it messed up her chances of singing in a big show with her parents, and when she told them.. they replied ;
"oh well we shouldn't be suprised.. we knew we can rely and you but this time you really let us down. your always so unreliable.."
idk.. i want to be there.. and when i give her space to take care of something.. it wont happen. and idk what to do... i hate nagging, i've feel like ive turned into the kind of people that usually hurt me.I always end up making her cry, i cant be tough..and i try not to give in to her being sad all the time.. but i just feel like i make her feel like crap all the time and it seems as if i just discourage her..
!!!Theres got to be some middle ground???