I have been navigating boundary setting with some degree of success. My spouse is ADD, non-admitted and non-medicated. He retired since 2019 and I feel like I've slowly been losing my mind ever since. .
While setting some boundaries for myself has helped somewhat, it seems I have to remain hyper-vigilant at all times to maintain and protect them. It's so very exhausting, mentally and physically. I created my own separate space within the household, however, I am up against a formidable opponent of clutter, chaos and disorganization that creeps into every spare space of a 4BR, 3BA house and only 2 adults (empty nesters). As an HSP, these things (clutter/mess) trigger anxiety for me and I find it hard to focus on being present in the moment when clutter screams at me with one massive to do list. Yes, I realize that it my own issue and I am working through it. The hard part is this clutter and acquiring of stuff by my spouse has begun to take over every inch of my life/space/house/barn/storage buildings. I end up feeling like I am the one experiencing the consequences of my spouse's actions (inactions?) rather than the other way around. So I must not be doing this right?
I struggle in setting appropriate consequences and even knowing what exactly that looks like at times. I've talked to my spouse, told him I don't feel cared for or safe when this is happening and he looks at me like I have three heads and no idea what I am talking about. He responds more to action than to talk. And honestly, I'm pretty talked out at this point anyway, I need some suggestions/examples on what some hard consequences might look like. While I don't need a "do A-B-C", examples help me to process what it might look like in my own situation. I realize there isn't a one size fits all. It is helpful to me when I see examples of "If this, then that". Side note: I'm not talking talking about a simple boundary violation like when he clutters up a space that is designated as an agreed clutter free zone (or is my own personal space). I can move those things to his space (repeatedly some times). I'm talking about when a boundary is crossed, criss-crossed, busted, blown up, and backed over a few times. It's the repeated crossing, the seemingly ill-intent or contempt that occurs that really needs attention.
I've read on this forum where unchecked ADHD can chew you up and spit you out without some seriously firm boundaries. I totally agree (have some emotional teeth mark scars to prove that). I want to make sure I've done everything possible on my end before giving up altogether (yeah that's my own issue too that I'm working on). I could use some support right now...