Submitted by jennalemon on 10/31/2012.
I am coming to understand more and more about this ADD with my DH. It is not so much the condition itself but his particular coping with it. His main objectives seem to be to avoid vunlerability and to amuse (divert?) himself. When bravado (or divahood) and manipulation are mixed with ADD, an unsuspecting non-ADD spouse is crushed. If he would let me in, in a spirit of vulnerability and connecting, I would have a chance to love him for his efforts toward connecting with me. As it is, I am afraid of his ability and willingness to hurt me.
I hear you
Submitted by lynninny on
Jennalemon, all I can offer is to say that I hear you. I am so sorry. I, too, have a spouse who faces most of his issues with defensiveness, bravado, anger, and tons of deflection. I don't think we have had one conversation about his adhd without very quickly veering off into what is "wrong" with me, or how his adhd would not be an issue if I weren't so... (fill in the blank: anxious, unsupportive, critical, mean, angry, etc.), or how he only does so and so because I did so and so first, or how could I be upset or affected by him, because he didn't KNOW? It is classic, poor guy--really--he insists that the descriptions don't fit him, that his adhd makes him a creative genius, that he does not have low self-esteem, and that the problem is that I am not a very happy person.
I accept responsibility for being angry or hurt at times. I do. But it feels so one-sided. It is hard to understand--his behavior so often seems tuned out, or selfish, or self-centered, or bluntly critical. I have, at this point, disassociated quite a bit because I can't live with being so wounded. He once accused me of "choosing" to stay wounded (and telling me to "get over it" didn't really help), but when I don't see him trying to make amends or to change anything, when he does not have the ability to even listen to me--what am I supposed to do with that?
Thinking of you.
epiphany
Submitted by shad on
I have been married for 22 frustrating and bewildering years. Two night ago, I went to bed following another unresolved argument with my husband. I lie in bed thinking about my physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting marriage. I thought about how selfish and stubborn my husband is. I thought how he's got to have ADHD (something I have thought for years and have told him so). Then I thought of something I hadn't before...maybe in addition to his ADDers lack of focus, disorganization and obsessiveness his selfishness, lack of concern and arrogance are ADD issues too. The next morning I was at the computer, searched ADD selfishness and voila, I found this site! I felt like a giant weight was off my shoulders! Other married people were experiencing these issues too! I couldn't believe how similar my experiences and feelings were to those who were commenting on this site! I'm not the only one on this crazy, frustrating ride. Armed with new information and a "support site" I will keep working and seeking help for him and our marriage.
Welcome
Submitted by jennalemon on
Welcome dear girl. Feel free to vent, question, be crazy or whatever you have been stuffing. Someone will "get it" or has been through it. Whatever supports you.
I think you're moving in the
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I think you're moving in the right direction. It's not the condition, it's the ability to cope (or not cope) with it. How many times has my hubby accused me of trying to change him when I ask him to take his meds? I don't know about all ADHDers, but it seems my husband's identity is wrapped up in the ADHD. This realization reminds me that I must master my responses to his in order for me to maintain my sanity. But even within that I can't help but feel resentful. Why must it be me that has to adapt to keep him (and myself) happy? He says he is changing in order to accommodate me, but it's hard to look at it that way when the things he's changing are those things that a normally functioning human being should already do.
Hang in there. We're all in this together.