I'm 34 and my partner of 3 years and I have decided to separate. She is 31 and has recently been diagnosed with combined ADHD. 99% of the time,I have never met a more lovely, kind, caring, beautiful girl in my life. It's the 1% that was the end. Pre diagnosis was a rollercoaster of arguments, power plays, impulsivity, depression, drug taking on nights out, Hyperfocus/ me being ignored, crying/breakdowns, her mind racing, anxiety and generally living her life at 1000 mph.
I wanted to reach out here because I feel like there may be people in the same boat as me that could help.
I have tried and tried to do everything in my power to make this work and I feel like I've failed.
We've been to couples counseling (pre-diagnosis, so that wasn't helpful), I'm doing my own therapy, she's on medication and now has a behavioral coach. She developed loads of helpful hacks to combat her symptoms such as multiple reminder alarms and writing notes (there are notes everywhere and piles of them). Our arguments became less and less as we both have been learning about ADHD.
I worked on my anxious thoughts and feelings and she worked on her. The issue is that we haven't been able to solve this one problem.
When her symptoms get too much for me (excessive talking all the time, fast actions, spilling and breaking something by accident, mood swings, tears etc), I shut her down.It can be something like stopping her midway through a sentence and saying 'I don't mean to be rude but I'm doing something'. This leads to a nuclear explosion of anger like I've never experienced. Like going from 0 to F.U in seconds.
This then makes me angry and we have explosive arguments about ridiculous things. She ends up in tears ( pouring tears like someone has died), in bed with anxiety, and then it ends with her saying she can't believe I would upset her. How she doesn't have time for me to be rude, dismissive, unsupportive, and if she feels rejected or shut down, I will always get verbal abuse. No compromise. If she feels attacked because I'm in a mood and I've had a go about something that may not actually be her fault (but I've maybe had a bad day and not in a great mood) forget it... it goes to nuclear anger.
She's now started telling me I'm gaslighting her and it's emotional abuse. She says it's about 3/10 and that I may not know I'm doing it. I think I use my words in arguments to get my point across in an argument in a way that confuses her - I tend to talk about multiple things to use as examples of how I feel. and talk around the point instead of addressing the point. Perhaps to use as ammo to get my point across. She says her working memory isn't great so when I ask for examples she can't give me any. So all this makes me feel like a horrible person and all I've ever tried to do is try my hardest to make us work as a couple. Same for her.
So now it's got to us going to 0-10 in anger any time she feels rejected or shut down. Even if we haven't had an argument, it seems that the smallest thing can get in her head and tip her over the edge. She gets so sad at night, if not medicated. And I mean tears and depressed, then in the morning, she tells me I'm the best thing to ever happen in her life and gives me loads of lovely compliments.
All our arguments have been from me shutting her down, not listening and being unsupportive. I feel so bad that her symptoms trigger me as I really try. But it seems to just build and build, until I say something and the anger and tears are back. I could go on about the 6 hours it takes to pack her suitcase to go on holiday, the verbal emotional outbursts, the PTSD she has when she was beaten up by an abusive guy at a wedding who beat up his gf (she jumped in to help and tried to fight him after calling for help), she thinks her mum and sister don't like her because of the way she was to them when she was younger etc etc... No matter how much I try and justify it, us ending still feels like I've failed and I'm deeply sad.
It seems we're just incompatible and I'm relieved I don't have to deal with this anymore, I feel tired and beaten by the whole thing but I wanted to reach out to find out if perhaps I have done something here that I shouldn't have.
Thanks for your time.x
Feeling as though you've failed
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think you're being hard on yourself. If you do some digging, you'll see that while ADHD symptoms are normal, so are our reactions to them on the non-ADHD side. Sure, people can do the work on both sides, but sometimes it just can't be solved. I know that feeling of wanting to go down EVERY ROAD except breaking up. I've tried that myself and am currently ending my 20 year relationship.
As you said, sometimes you're just incompatible no matter how good the good things are or how hard you both have tried. Relationships are work, but should they really be this hard this often? I think they should add more value to our lives than stress and it's hard to remember that when you're in deep with someone.
So sorry you are grieving your breakup right now and it must be very difficult to let the good times, and probably a good person at the core, go. You are a good person, too, and deserve a healthy relationship.
Thank you
Submitted by adhdquestion on
It's been a few months since my break up and your comment helped me enormously. I just wanted to write and tell you that. I read it most days to remind myself it was for the best. I hope you are ok and you're managing to stay well through the healing period of your break up. Thanks again.
THIS.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Melody, what you wrote says it all. This was my point regarding my marriage. Marriage is not all sunshine and roses.
Relationships are work, but should they really be this hard this often? I agree. It shouldn't be a struggle every day.
Stop blaming yourself
Submitted by adhd32 on
This situation isn't anything you created. You cannot fix her and she, most likely, won't change. If she wants change SHE has to do the work, not you. She seems to employ many manipulate techniques many of us non spouses immediately recognize. It is best to move on now then end up with PTSD over this relationship that does not work. Imagine that this is your life forever.
I currently have one foot out the door after 35+ years. We are at a crossroads and H knows what he needs to do but as I stated in my last post, he is biding his time and waiting for the fallout of his last embarrassing meltdown to blow over. I stopped asking him how things are progressing regarding therapy etc. I don't care since any attempt will fizzle out as it has done in the past. As far as I can tell, he hasn't followed through on any of his promises. Actions speak louder than words so his lack of action tells me everything I need to know. We cannot fix our spouses, any attempt to change must come from them. It is easier for them to blame you then to look in the mirror. Walking away is difficult but it may just save your sanity. Don't feel guilty, you deserve a life where you are happy and content instead of on edge 24/7 not knowing the potential cause of the next meltdown.
Thank You
Submitted by adhdquestion on
I just wanted to write to you to thank you for your words during my healing of this break up. It helped me rationalise my emotions and keep myself from wanting to go back for the comfort. I agree with you, the work must come from ourselves if we want to change, not someone else. It's just if that's possible or not for someone who lives with a brain disorder 24/7 like ADHD. I hope you are ok and are managing to cope in a healthy way. I'm glad this forum exists and people are hear for each other. Best
Why your battling....
Submitted by c ur self on
These sweet ladies have spoken a lot of truth to you about what you are experiencing....The reason you are battling, is there is no acceptance by either of you....Many people's lives (living of life) aren't cut out for sharing as one....She is pushing for her view as well as you at times.....When you come along side someone in a relationship who's living of life is so different...There will be one of two things....Full acceptance (live and let live) or there will be an abundance of conflict...She don't want fixed, she wants accepted for the mind she is destined to live with...Like the ladies said, ONLY SHE can do the work that calls for seeing herself, and managing herself....Just like you and I...
Many people's lives only work as a single indiv.....it's just to intrusive for daily sharing in life.....
Blessings
c
Thank You
Submitted by adhdquestion on
I wanted to write to you and thank you for your kind words. An incredibly well written response and analysis of my relationship and very true. Acceptance was at the core of our problems and it so happened that I couldn't fully accept the symptoms ADHD brings with it. This lead to her rejection sensitivity dysphoria being triggered a lot and so the nuclear anger and emotion would start. She couldn't change the thing that I couldn't cope with so we were at a dead end. I wonder why I ignored so many of the red flags at the beginning of the relationship just becase she was beautiful. More fool me. Thanks again!
It's amazing how much stress
Submitted by SJC2021 on
It's amazing how much stress disappears when the normal person leaves.
People with ADHD simply do not posses the ability to comprehend how much chaos they bring to their partners.
Leaving is the only cure for the normal sadly.
You are correct
Submitted by adhdquestion on
I have no stress now. Im not clenching my jaw, im not anxious and clenching my fist, i have no worry in my stomach, there's no drama, no arguments and it's just calm. I couldn't see it when i was close to it but it was so unhealthy to be with someone undiagnosed with ADHD. It's not their fault and she tried so hard but the emotional rollercoaster for someone like myself who is anxious, was so unhealthy.
Good for you.
Submitted by SJC2021 on
Good for you.
Make no mistake, my heart aches for my ex and all who suffer from ADHD.
But they are in their own little world, and normals are never a part of it really. Only when the ADD partner needs something.