Today I hit a huge low.
My ADHD husband is an expert at deflecting anything I want to talk about so that everything somehow becomes my fault, triggered by me or because of something I have done. He is struggling to see it, in the meantime I am becoming more and more aware of his inability to take ownership. If he's angry it's because I wound him up, if I raise a concern he raises a different one, if I get upset by feeling let down on something important he says I need to get over things quicker. If I try to talk to him about his reactions he talks about something I've done. I don't mind looking at my own contribution/behaviours but he literally never does the same. If he does ever apologize, he then undermines it by saying something that implies he has no respect for the issue. I.e. I'm being sensitive or its not a big deal.
I can't talk to him about even tiny things without it being a battle. It's like he feels trapped and reacts by deflection. He has no empathy and he won't pause to recognise the impact of his own actions or behaviours. He's incredibly sensitive to tone. I have no way of having any of my own needs met as he just finds a way of making it my fault when I try to talk. It must be a very ingrained coping strategy. And the anger he feels is constantly bubbling below the surface. I tell him I'm not the enemy, that our marriage cannot survive if my very basic needs are not considered. He constantly thinks I'm trying to catch him out or trick him. It's exhausting.
My self esteem has plummeted and it is impacting my mental health. I have a toddler and feel so sad that he sees me sad. I cried today like I've never cried before (not in front of my child) and my thoughts about myself took an all time low. I know this is due to the way the deflection makes me feel and not feeling that my needs are valued. I don't want to get divorced and I'm so sad and cross that I feel he is leaving me with such depressing options.
Does anyone have any advice on dealing with deflection? Or helping him to see how ingrained it is and start to make changes?
The answer to your Q.. isn't one any of us want.....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is exactly the same....mimic's me....deflects....Tone....Facial features....etc.....There is something you are not understanding that is causing most of your pain....You are the enemy!....So am I...So are any of the spouses on this site, who, ask their spouse for normal consideration....We always make ourselves the enemy when we ask certain things of a heart and mind locked in denial : 1) To take ownership of their words and actions....2) To consider our needs, and their promises and vows....I could go on, but, I'm afraid you already know the list....What's going w/ you is, (and me many times) you just don't want to accept it....
Once you accept the reality of his life of denial, (Can never be wrong, will never own any truth about his living of life) then you will be free.....Then you will stop attempting to communicate these things, thinking some how his heart and mind is capable of caring.....And the emotional slaps in the face want occur.
Do you know what Alexithymia is?....Look it up if you like...Add and denial work about the same way in my experience.....Many minds like my wife's, seem almost incapable of real empathy They seem completely incapable of an emotional response that relates to THEIR sin, and their refusal to be accountable for their responsibilities....When you ACCEPT this, you want put yourself through hell, trying to force him to communicate about his life....
When I accepted this (the days I don't backslide) I freed myself, then I started living my life, and I never plan for her, and I'm never shocked by anything....I get on to myself about talking to myself about it, when no one's around...But I'm getting better...You can accept what he brings to the relationship now, or you can leave, but, you can't change him....My healing came w/ acceptance....Once I did that, I was able to better my daily life, (live it like she don't exist in many area's, because she don't) I started taking care of my Spiritual health, my emotional health, my physical health, and my mental health.....It's really simple....Believe this statement....This is what he is capable of....This is it!....
I suggest this....Test this out....Do not attempt communication for a month or two, about anything related to his behaviors (words actions anything)....Speak if he speaks, but, other than just simple kindness dialog, and greeting don't attempt conversation...I think you will sense his discomfort after a bit, if you do this....He expects conflict, he expects to get to deflect and blame etc....He is comfortable in controlling and manipulating you in this way....If all a sudden you found a peace (acceptance) that he couldn't destroy, he will be bothered....Let his mind wonder way is wife is so happy and at peace, no matter what he's doing or not doing.....You have a life, live it?
Blessings
c
Thank you c ur self
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you c ur self. I think you're right about withdrawing communication.... He wouldn't like that. I can't win.
Funnily enough throughout my marriage troubles over the past two years I did look at Alexithymia and it resonates. A lot.
I can't stop fantasising about being in a relationship where someone shows even the slightest care for what I'm saying or feeling. It's such a basic need and it breaks my heart I may never have this love again.
I think there is a lot of acceptance that will help me. But I can't accept the constant deflection. It's too damaging. He's an intelligent man and I know he understands kindness on a larger scale (societal etc) but seems unable to emotionally connect or have any emotional reaction to me as an individual. Even writing that last line I'm realising I'm asking the impossible...his brain doesn't work that way, he has no understanding of that kind of connection.
Thank you for responding. Much appreciated, it helps me feel less alone.
Does your husband try any means of 'managing' his ADHD symptoms?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Does your husband try any means of 'managing' his ADHD symptoms?
Managing symptoms
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
The marriage difficulties are not new but it's very early days in terms of us both realising a connection to ADHD. He's not got a formal diagnosis but he believes he had it and so do I. Assessment is being requested on Monday.
So...in terms of recognition and managing it. It's early to say but I know reading s couple if chapters of Melissa's book made him feel like it was about him/us. It made him feel quite sad. I think his mum fought quite hard not to have him labelled at school and he feels he got through school and has been successful despite any issue that may have been there. I think the hangover from his mum's approach is a lot of shame around it. I am totally opposite in that I think everyone's brain works differently to some extent and that knowledge is power a(so a diagnosis and research is a good thing) I also feel no one should feel ashamed of something they cannot help.
My concern now is that I can see how much I will expect him to try to manage his symptoms for the sake of our marriage. And I don't see that being an easy path. I'm already exhausted. He has shown signs of willing though. Reading the start of the book, agreeing to seek an assessment. I've been trying to get him to recognise the deflection. I'm not sure he'll ever be able to empathise with how that might make me feel but if he can pause before he puts blame on me that would be huge progress.
This is a really big thing for him to admit as he has been brought up in a very stoic, formal family who do not talk about emotions or struggles ever. Sadly they see those things as weaknesses whereas I see self awareness as a huge strength and one that can bring a pride that will extinguish that shame.
Any tips in terms of managing symptoms?
Also...
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Just realized that he does manage some symptoms and has for years without diagnosis. He uses Google calendar reminders a lot. And digital lists. I think there are a lot of less productive coping strategies too...like the deflection. He comes across very confident, personable and happy to speak I'm front of crowds or to audiences but I know he often feels like a fraud. Like he's not credible enough.
I think it's the shame, anger and defensiveness that really needs addressing now.
The road ahead
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Read Melissa's book. Think about it for a couple of weeks. Then read the book again, more slowly, to gain a deeper understanding of the breadth of AHDH's impact on the two of you, your marriage, and your family. You may gain insight into your family's unique experience and continuing challenges. There is no 'magic bullet' (i.e. cure) so you will always have an unexpectedly large proportion of managing your family's issues. It will never be 'fair'. The introduction of a child or several children often results in the disintegration of existing coping methodologies. This is common. (Sad but common.) Deflection is also very common.
Hopefully your husband will continue his interest in learning about his AHDH. Get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist with a significant background treating AHDH patients. Sit in with your husband as the psychiatrist does the evaluation so as ensure a greater scope of the symptoms are noted. Work with the psychiatrist to devise a treatment plan that incorporate medicine and Cognitive behavioral Therapy. Read up on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (William Dodson) to see the research on the emotional aspects of AHDH and specifically shame and deflection. Your husband needs to 'own' his diagnosis and continue his effort to pursue treatment. ADHD will interfere. There is no defined path to success. Expect failures and the need to restart or reconceive various types of treatment. You can not force him or it.
You have to work on you. Your toddler needs you to minimize the AHDH-chaos as much as possible. You'll need to find means of bolstering your sanity for many years. Non-stop. The stress will be enormous and you'll need to recognize that stress exists and develop coping mechanisms for it. Investigate means to invigorate your feelings of self-worth.
It is a very hard road. This forum can be very emotionally supportive as we all have had similar experiences (no matter how strange your experiences seem to be... others have been there.) I send you my blessing.
Here with you...
Submitted by SquirrelyPug on
Hi, Seeking Balance,
I'm not sure I have advice and I wish I did. I experience the same with my husband... I am diagnosed ADD and he has been evaluated by a counselor we saw who agreed with our suspicions that he is on the Aspbergers spectrum. I also suspect he has a degree of ADD. He also is very sensitive to tone and deflects. It is affecting my self esteem. He doesn't intend to be hurtful, he just doesn't think about how he affects other's feelings. For example, if we are arguing and I cry, he laughs at me because he thinks it's silly that I'm crying and cannot comprehend how he's been hurtful... Yet he can be so sensitive to the slightest mean thing that comes out of my mouth in frustration or the most sincere and kindly delivered criticism.
Something that helps me at times is to remember that his Aspbergers isn't his fault, and I know that he doesn't intend this hurt in his heart. It doesn't fix everything but sometimes it helps me to have patience or step away from a situation that is unwinnable.
I sincerely hope things improve. ♡
Hi,
Submitted by kalakchen101 on
Hi,
I'm not too sure about the no communication advice, ADD people tend to live in their world, bubble, It can actually be more detrimental by installing more distance. Not talking or very less doesn't bother me much.
I can surely relate to your distress and frustration, unfortunately, I was also the one who was deflecting and trying to avoid the conversation in my past relationships. I try to give some hints on the source of the deflection behavior based on my little self-understanding. From childhood, I always felt different because I was different but was never recognized, I was forced to think, do, and act like the other kids, I failed 90% of the time and was shamed and questioned over and over again, why, how come, it's not rocket science. The consequence is that I developed a defense mechanism which was and in some situation still is deflection because there was only so much I could take. Now on your husband's side, therapy may help him to be aware of the add signs coming, found workarounds, interaction with others, medication for sure, yoga, meditation...Your husband definitely needs to work on better awareness and control of his ADD quirks, so he can find better ways to cope with his environment and interact with you. Hope it will help.
Courage and keep shining