Today I hit a huge low.
My ADHD husband is an expert at deflecting anything I want to talk about so that everything somehow becomes my fault, triggered by me or because of something I have done. He is struggling to see it, in the meantime I am becoming more and more aware of his inability to take ownership. If he's angry it's because I wound him up, if I raise a concern he raises a different one, if I get upset by feeling let down on something important he says I need to get over things quicker. If I try to talk to him about his reactions he talks about something I've done. I don't mind looking at my own contribution/behaviours but he literally never does the same. If he does ever apologize, he then undermines it by saying something that implies he has no respect for the issue. I.e. I'm being sensitive or its not a big deal.
I can't talk to him about even tiny things without it being a battle. It's like he feels trapped and reacts by deflection. He has no empathy and he won't pause to recognise the impact of his own actions or behaviours. He's incredibly sensitive to tone. I have no way of having any of my own needs met as he just finds a way of making it my fault when I try to talk. It must be a very ingrained coping strategy. And the anger he feels is constantly bubbling below the surface. I tell him I'm not the enemy, that our marriage cannot survive if my very basic needs are not considered. He constantly thinks I'm trying to catch him out or trick him. It's exhausting.
My self esteem has plummeted and it is impacting my mental health. I have a toddler and feel so sad that he sees me sad. I cried today like I've never cried before (not in front of my child) and my thoughts about myself took an all time low. I know this is due to the way the deflection makes me feel and not feeling that my needs are valued. I don't want to get divorced and I'm so sad and cross that I feel he is leaving me with such depressing options.
Does anyone have any advice on dealing with deflection? Or helping him to see how ingrained it is and start to make changes?