The breaking point has begun

I am tired, mad, sad, angry and frustrated! I have put up with ridiculous behavior from my ADHD husband for far too long.  My children can even recognize the unreasonable behavior their father displays, and they are 9 and 6.  How can a 9 and 6 year old have better sense, reason and logic than their father?  These kids are also better at loving, caring for and being nice to others than their father. Of course he wasn't always like this or I wouldn't have fallen for him, though truthfully, I got pregnant so quickly I didn't really have time to truly, truly get to know him.  But still he wasn't like this! 

My husband has gotten so angry lately and we, his family are the ones designated to feel the wrath of his anger.  He constantly complains about EVERYTHING our sons do. From the beginning of each day he finds something to yell at them about.  This is how we start EVERY morning.  How can children wake up every day to know that something they do will make their father yell at them and be a jerk?  These kids are not bad! They do not misbehave all that often and are smart and kind and beautiful.  Why in the world does he hold them to a higher set of standards than he lives?  He expects these kids to behave like perfect adults.  I just don't get it.  And of course when he lays into them (verbally only) I have to come to their defense and then I am the bad guy. 

I'm the one who is criticizing him, belittling him or talking down to him (that's his usual go to phrase).  Which really, hes the bully!  He gets after them for things like not being able to stay quiet during story time.  I mean really?  Is that a reason to YELL at your children?  I will never have any credibility with him because he says "he doesn't like who I am, and that I don't know what I am talking about cuz all I wanna do is talk down to him and I should just leave him alone", then he'll go to the basement and find a place to sleep.  Whatever! He's the one who came begging to come back home with promises that he never intended on keeping. Like finding a new psychiatrist/therapist because she won't prescribe his meds if he is married to me ( which is totally unprofessional if you ask me!) and so he lies to her and acts like we are still apart.  I asked him to leave many times and he's the one always talking me into trying to work on our marriage and for some reason (love I suppose) I end up caving.  But we can't even being to address the problems if he can't be honest with his own therapist.  I have begged him to find a new one but he won't.   

We have separated twice now, by my demand both times, and I think I am pretty much done at this point.  I have sooo many responsibilities and he cares nothing about them.  He finds mundane tasks that he prefers and spends all his time doing these things instead of doing things that are really important, like filing for unemployment (which I had to beg him to do since he didn't think it would be worth it, really meaning he didn't feel like doing the work) since he lost his job because he was irresponsible and got in to an accident while driving without insurance 4 years ago and never bothered to take care of because he didn't know it would affect his license.  He has either wrecked or drove into the ground 6 cars in the last 5 years.

I am a full time college student (on top of it nursing, which is really rigorous) with good grades, or at least until now, because lately he doesn't think my homework is a big deal and I should just be able to do it with the kids around or magically while doing laundry, making dinner and doing the dishes.  Mind you it's not as if he is doing anything that productive instead of taking care of his kids or house.  It doesn't matter to him that there are times I HAVE to be at school, not just for class but also to practice in the lab because that is what we have to do in order to pass!  He doesn't care if I have tests or papers, he just thinks I should be able to do it all. Including putting up with his attitude.

I am so smart to do it all, yet I am never to give him any suggestions or I could never be right about any of the things I say.  It is such load of crap to live like this, for me and for him and especially my kids.  I only want the same basic things as most everybody, which is to be happy, peaceful, healthy and loved.  I don't need this crap but how do I really let go?      

Find strength within yourself and decide what you really want

What you're looking for is reciprocity (pointed out in another post).  In order to receive a different outcome, something or someone has to change. You only have control over yourself.  Sometimes you have to spend some extended time with yourself in order to truly understand what you want in life. I had to separate from my dh in order to fine peace within.  Yes, I miss him and love him, HOWEVER, the last 6 months have been very peaceful and I have been able to reconnect with who I really am.  We have been together for 18 years...

You must be a strong person in order to juggle full time school and children. Pray and find the strength within yourself and determine what you truly want and then GO FOR THAT! Seek and you shall find. Life is too short to live it miserably. 

I wish you well on your journey.