My Husband of 16 years has been diagnosed with ADHD. He has 4 stages according to the Amen Clinics. We are in active counseling and working to supplement his diet to manage the ADHD. He has not yet taken the steps towards medication which is a huge problem for me.
It seems like everything begins to go well and then "bam" the wrecking ball flies and everything comes crashing down. I have two children and went through many confusing years of what was wrong with me. My H has a horrible temper and has been verbally abusive 98% of our marriage. Adding kids was a huge heart break and dream killer as what he said he wanted has only seemed to prove to be a stressor for him. I have grown stronger over the years and probably break all the rules when it comes to protecting my children. But yesterday was a whole new low for us. For whatever reason H was agitated and already beginning the signs of confrontation when we decided to head out of town for a family members bday. By the time we hit 55 miles out of town, we were in a full fledge argument. I decided I didn't want to see family and pretend like we were all good when signs of stress were all over my face. I took the next exit and headed back home. This was a huge mistake as my H went into a ADHD rage. I was unable to talk him off the cliff and after several spouts of profanity and blaming... he demanded to be let out of the car. We were at a point on the freeway that was beginning to descend a curvy hill 75 mph. I told him No, I won't leave you on the freeway. He continued his ranting and demanding I stop the car. I again said no. He then threatened to throw the car in reverse if I didn't stop the car. I couldn't believe it. My son began to plead with him. I told him to please let me get down the hill and I would stop.. He put his hand on the gear stick and demanded I stop now. Of course, I did. I had to take a moment to calm my self but my son down as well.
I am concerned as anger seems to be a common issue in ADHD but is this kind of anger/rage normal? Yes, he needs medication but will this really help or is it time to stop this madness and protect myself and the kids? I love my H and I don't want to give up on him but I am at a complete loss of what to do next?
I don't think that kind of
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't think that kind of rage and anger is normal, and I urge you to protect yourself and your children in any way necessary.
Response to Rosered
Submitted by cmjecamp on
I get confusing information all the time from the counselor and it seemed that a good majority of women have faced the same type of angry moments. I was relieved to see the responses as it seemed to be the exact same scenario for me. He now claims he NEVER would have done it. It was a threats but no follow through. So frustrated by all this.
Thanks for your response as I am making my way towards determining the future.
I probably shouldn't have
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I probably shouldn't have used the word "normal"; this type of rage might be normal for people with ADHD but I don't think it's acceptable. But that's just my opinion.
Imagine..
Submitted by sunlight on
..tomorrow you fall on your driveway, sustain a head injury and become an angry and aggressive person, prone to sudden rage and outbursts. Your brain does not work the same way, you don't know that has happened to you. As far as you are concerned, you are still you.
What should your family do? Should they tell you that your behavior is unacceptable and limit contact with you? Should they tell you to stop being angry and that if you don't they will not accept you? Or should they get the best treatment for you? Which would you wish for? Suppose that some inexpensive pills stopped your anger and outbursts? Should they not try that before dumping you and telling you (either to your face or by actions) that your behavior is unacceptable and that they are ejecting you from your family? The poster's husband has a brain disorder, he did not ask for it, he will die with it, and ADHD is not a moral or ethical issue - it is a physical disorder in exactly the same way as a brain injury, he deserves medical treatment and he has set about exploring treatment.
Not attempting treatment also sends a message to the children. If one or both of them are later diagnosed as ADHD they are going to ask themselves "will our mother dump us too like she dumped dad?"
Just rhetorical questions. Because there but for the grace of (inset deity if you have one) go all of us.
And if the husband puts the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
And if the husband puts the car into reverse the next time? What is the threshold? If I were in the car with my mother-in-law, who has Alzheimer's disease, and she attempted to jump out of the car, I would take protective action because I would consider that behavior unacceptable, because she could harm herself or me. I would do the same if the passenger had a traumatic brain injury or was post-stroke. I think medication and therapy are fine ideas, but they don't dispel the need to guarantee the safety of bystanders and the person with ADHD himself or herself.
Rosered
Submitted by cmjecamp on
Thank you for your post. I agree and that is my deepest tug of war. The behavior in my opinion is unacceptable and has left my children terrified.
Imagine
Submitted by cmjecamp on
You are right. I have pleaded with him now for 3 months to get meds. I have asked him to please make the Dr. Appt so our quality of life will increase. I am not afraid of standing by him but rather frustrated by his responses. He tells me he WILL NOT get stimulants as they are a form of Government control (He found this on a website that justified ADHD as a measure for pharmaceutical gain.). His claims are that he will do this on his own with diet.
Now, I also understand that it is difficult to come to the conclusion that a person may need to take a stimulant to help them function and truly believe that he will ultimately resolve himself to getting the meds but when? I am afraid to find out how long that may take? If he won't do it... I can't make him and he leaves me with no choice.
Left to his own devices
Submitted by sunlight on
If left to plod along he will probably never get anywhere and will always find excuses and reasons to try 'one more thing'. His brain isn't allowing him to see the urgency. Obviously anyone can find any stuplid conspiracy theory they like on the internet, I don't suppose he'd be interested in sites debunking whatever he found? It sounds like he really does not want to admit that this is a physical condition like epilepsy or deafness (would he really suggest listening harder if he were deaf?) and he does not want to be labelled as 'faulty' or 'broken' or need to depend on something or someone (male pride?). If you are *sure* you are prepared to go through with it, I don't see why you can't go ahead and give him an ultimatum. I made it 100% crystal clear to my husband that he went and got diagnosed or we were done, as in d.o.n.e.r.i.g.h.t.n.o.w and he would end up divorced. As it turns out he made the appt and walked out with a prescription (the psych didn't even suggest therapy or counselling, there was no point in it in his case until meds were right, as it turns out he only takes the meds). There is nothing wrong with a line in the sand provided you've through through the consequences. Can you live elsewhere for a while and let him think on what he might be losing?
Threats do not work for me..
Submitted by cmjecamp on
I have made threats and even separated for almost two years. He figured out through counseling this second time around that he was ADHD when he asked the counselor if SHE thought there was something wrong with him. Funny, she actually told him yes, Since that time I found the diet plan out and began changing our lives to accommodate him. Yet here we stand. The only option left if things do not change is divorce. I threaten and he tells me not to worry I will have my wish. I feel like I am the one that needs meds at this point. I feel like I am caught in ground hog's worst nightmare! I am so frustrated and mad.
But.....
Submitted by Gladiola on
I agree 100% that they deserve treatment and support during said treatment *if* they want it (treatment). In my opinion that would include treatment for the anger. No one wants to be abandoned....... But she (or in some cases he) deserves a respite from the anger and chaos, as does the rest of the family. The person with the brain injury, add/ ADHD, or whatever physiological reason they have to behave as they do owes it to the family to aggressively and consistently seek treatment as much as the family should be supportive and not use it as an excuse. Being supportive, though, no matter the reasons does not mean that you are obligated to tolerate abuse and threats. What if one of the children happen to have it? Same thing. Brain injuries or ADD/ADHD should not be an excuse to mistreat any one, especially those they care about. I would certainly hope though that they would see the signs and get early treatment for the child so there isn't the coping mechanisms that make life so so so much more difficult.
and perhaps I missed something but where is it mentioned that she will be leaving? Although I could understand giving space in a volatile situation until it is cooled and under control.
Got that t-shirt
Submitted by sunlight on
I have seen similar. I'll try to summarize that I think I know without writing a book about it:
1/ Supplements, exercise, diet *probably* can not adequately deal with this, hence ...
2/ .. Meds are the way forward but ...
3/ .. he may not be willing to believe the difference that the correct medication can make to this behavior when associated with ADHD, but the right meds for the person CAN STOP this rage, tantrums etc. His life can be made much better FOR HIM (hence everyone) if he is willing to take them. Encourage him, it may be the only way ...
4/ The typical ADHD stimulant (Ritalin, Adderall) may not alone change the anger. If it does, because it allows him to control his frustration, then that is good, but you should not go in expecting that. (Sidenote: if a stimulant med makes him more angry then it is the wrong medication for him, there is no need to put up with anger arising out of stimulant meds - in fact that would be a clear sign to stop taking that particular med). (Eg. my husband can not take Ritalin, he is one mean SOB within 20 minutes so I refuse to tolerate it even though he says it allows him to think more clearly, but Adderall works (even though he does not respond optimally due to genetic predisposition)).
5/ ... So he probably needs a combination of meds. This will be highly individual, he needs a prescribing doctor (psychiatrist) who understands adult ADHD and can identify the right combinations. Counselling, talking etc will NOT work while his brain chemistry is so badly compromised. Some of the Amen books can probably give you an idea of the types of meds, depending on the subtype(s) of ADHD.
I can only tell you that from my experience meds can work extremely well. I have not seen this type of rage since my husband's psychiatrist got a grip of the problem.
As of today... He refuses
Submitted by cmjecamp on
I agree that meds will help our quality of life. I believe the anger will stop once he explores and finds what works for him. I am glad you shared that some of the meds can potentially make him more angry. I don't think I could handle that as he is pretty mean right now.
Thank you for your insight. It has helped me understand that unless he gets the meds our marriage will remain uncertain for sure.
You Who are on the Road. Must have a Code.That you can live by.
Submitted by jennalemon on
EXACT same scenario about 30 years ago with my dh. We don't talk today - I am so angry with so much that has happened like that in the past for so long. I am afraid what it did to 2 sons in the car was teach them how to cope (and put up with) with unacceptable behavior. There never was an apology or regret....it seemed it was just one more show of strength and dare to add to how our relationship found its mode of operation of me not doing anything about it (coping) and him winning another battle and some more territory in our lopsided power balance. We followed him in the car as he walked about a mile before he would get back in the car while we pleaded with him to get back in. If it happened again???? If there were no kids in the car, I would drive a mile ahead and wait for him to walk up to the car and ask to be let in. If he was still angry, I would drive further...maybe home. Yet, how do you teach your children if they are sitting in the car and their father is acting like a toddler having a tantrum? This is probably a good teaching moment, but when you are young and unsuspecting and emotionally involved, it is too much to ask to also teach your children while keeping your cool. All I can say is, don't let him "get away" with unacceptable behavior - especially in front of your children.
Left him there
Submitted by cmjecamp on
This was the first time in my life I left him there. I was so angry and all I could do was look at my children and try to calm them down. He walked / hitched home, I guess. He still has not told me. Instead he fights with me about being the one who provoked him to it.
This is my husband too. We
Submitted by smilingagain on
This is my husband too. We both have adhd- but he's also depressed and anxious.
Last week we had something similar happen that has me wondering whether it's almost time to leave him. I don't want to leave him and I don't want the family to break up- but my 5 and a half year old son is getting to an age where I can't buffer him from daddy's moods.
So last week we were driving home from the cottage. I was driving. We stopped at a drive-through to get food. He started berating me about how I was ordering the food. He picked at me through the whole drive through. I tried 4 or 5 times to defuse the situation in different ways.
Funny: "I'm not a rocket scientist but I got this."
Calm: "Enough"
Logical: "I'm pretty sure that it's more confusing to have us arguing instead of placing our order" etc...
He would NOT STOP. Which is very typical.
Finally I was sharp with him: "I'm not an idiot. I can order a happy meal without your oversight!"
To which he snapped into his sullen mode and began angrily icing me out (also typical). We got the food and started driving home. My 18 month old daughter started vomiting in the back seat (she had been drinking a bottle of milk). I was driving so I asked my husband to please comfort her because she was screaming and shaking and clearly upset and scared. My husband would not answer me, or acknowledge my comments. He also did not even turn around to look at my daughter. So I turned around a few times to say, "it's okay, honey. You're okay. We're almost home". Meanwhile my husband starts yelling at me to watch the road. I said- "I will watch the road if you will comfort our daughter", to which he said, "there's nothing I can do. We're almost home". So I started to pull the car over because my daughter was still vomiting and had begun rubbing it in her eyes. My husband started yelling at me "What are you doing! Just drive. There's nothing we can do until we're home anyway!" I knew it was going to get way worse (him raging and scaring the kids) if I didn't do as he said- so I kept driving but also kept looking back to comfort my daughter- which he kept yelling at me for. Finally I snapped and said: "I would stop looking at her if her other parent, who is right here, would just turn around and look at her and comfort her!". to which he said to me: "Have you heard yourself? You're so angry. This is not acceptable." and took his phone out and started taping me, saying "I'm taping you. That's the only way you'll understand.".
So rather than deal with our scared and sick baby girl, my husband was provoking me into a fight and then pulling out his phone to tape me? I was disgusted with him. I said to him in a very low calm voice (I get really quiet when I am the angriest) "you are pathetic." And he said, "what was that? WHAT DID YOU SAY? What did you just say to me in front of our kids? That's it. I'm done with you for the day."
My husband frequently does this- he provokes me and berates me until I say something that offends him (after many efforts to handle it better). Then he declares he is done with me, ignoring his role in the argument (usually the instigator and always the one escalating) and shunning me for the rest of the day or several days. Its awful and the kids get extremely upset. I try to be normal and calm and happy in the face of this so the kids only have one parent acting all deranged- but it's hard to do when he is storming around and ignoring me.
So in the car- knowing that he was about to shun me for the rest of the day, I thought I'd make one final effort to resolve things and save the day- when we got to our house a minute later, I kept driving past it, with the intention of going around the block and making an appeal to my husband for us to both just hit the reset button. Because I knew if we got home, he would enact his punishment and ruin the rest of the day... So I said, "Listen honey. I am sorry for waht I said. I am worried about our daughter and...." but then he started yelling at that if I was so worried, why was I prolonging the car ride, repeating that he was done with me and screaming that I can't talk to him like that made . He commanded me to turn the car around. When I didn't obey him and turn the car around (because we were already around the corner and it was just as quick to finish rounding the block than to turn around), he opened his car door and made a move to jump out of the moving car. Shameful. In front of the kids.
At that point I stopped the car immediately and he got out. I then had to explain to our son why Daddy didn't follow the rules and why he couldn't take his own seatbelt off and get out of the car whenever he felt like it... I arrived with the car from going around the block at the same time my husband arrived back walking. He stormed up to the car and grabbed our daughter out of her seat. I thought he was going to comfort her and clean her up. Nope. He basically just took her out of the seat without speaking to her,, dumped her (crying and soggy with vomit) on the grass and then turned his full attention to getting his car clean. He later switched the vomit-soaked seat into my car and took my clean seat for his car.
So of course I took both kids in, cleaned up my daughter, etc... then my husband came in and enacted the rest of his punishment by shunning me for the rest of the night. At the end of the night he told me that if I didn't change my behaviour, he couldn't stay in this and that me calling him pathetic was completely unacceptable... I told him I was sorry for saying that in front of the kids, and I wish I would have held my tongue- but that I'm human and that most mother's I know in that situation would have said worse. He was being pathetic, frankly. They were accurate words in the context. Choosing to take your phone out to tape me, rather than to comfort our child who was spewing vomit like a fountain and terrified... that is truly pathetic... But my husband will never see or accept his role in anything.
This morning- he got angry because I wouldn't accept his interference when I was talking to my son (he frequently tries to correct me when I'm talking to my son- when no correction is required). Again- I said several times, "Daddy, we're fine talking here. You don't need to jump in." and he just kept going and kept trying to talk over me and take my son out of the room, "Let's leave mummy alone. She's getting angry and we don't have to be around that". And I turned to him and said, "we are having a nice conversation. I am not angry. Please stop picking at me and let's all move on". He stoop up and said "that's it" and whipped a bottle he was holding against the wall and stormed upstairs. He stormed down after his shower and left with my son yelling after him, "I'm never talking to you again, Daddy.".
Yeah.
It's not pretty.
I already know that if I raise this to him, he will accuse me of speaking rudely to him and blame me for 'making' him behave that way. =
He's already refused counselling about 10 times, stating "you can go. you are the one with the problem. Have fun with that."
I'm at the end of my rope here. I love him. But this is not acceptable. My kids are old enough to be really damaged by this. I don't want to split up- but I will to protect my kids. If it comes to that. I think about this at least 4 or 5 days of every week... I just don't know when enough is enough. I love him and want to help him, but am losing hope that it's even possible. I'm totally gutted about this- mostly because of my kids, who are the sweetest and don't deserve to go through this.
Hang in there. This is such a tough place to be. My thoughts and support are with you.
to smilingagain
Submitted by jennalemon on
There is something so intangibly familiar with your back and forth words with your husband. There is such a disconnect, such a vindictive, hostile, unreal atmosphere that a wife gets blindsided and has to think, act and speak quickly to not be confused and frustrated (manipulated) and feel not only unloved but actually warred against and able to make the decision to either love and forgive OR to stand firm against an oppressor. The relationship becomes punishing and battle-like when one partner puts no effort into intimacy (not sex - intimacy) through honest communication and self awareness.
I understand your comment
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemon,
"There is such a disconnect, such a vindictive, hostile, unreal atmosphere that a wife gets blindsided and has to think, act and speak quickly to not be confused and frustrated (manipulated) and feel not only unloved but actually warred against and able to make the decision to either love and forgive OR to stand firm against an oppressor."
This is such a good description of how I feel tonight. My mind was literally blown this evening by a statement from my spouse.
Over a year ago, a previous counselor had suggested we sleep in different rooms - my spouse snores, our bed hurts his back, he has intense body twitches after he falls asleep, if he had his hand on my body when he fell asleep - the twitches also caused his hand to clench -ouchie on my receiving end!!!
10 weeks ago my spouse just started to sleep out in our RV - no communication, no explanation - he just acted like it was normal everyday behavior. When I did bring it up in a conversation, he just grumbled. Well, today he told me the reason he was sleeping in the RV is because he was tired of getting "pounded."
What?!?!?!? I never hit him. I would yank myself away from him, or say "You are snoring." but never physically pounded him.
I am still stunned - he didn't say he understood how his snoring kept me awake, nor how his twitching woke me up, nor how sorry he was that he hurt me by clenching me - no it was all about him. He doesn't want to be pounded any more.
The harder I try to understand, the more outrageous things seem to become.
Today, I have no words
Submitted by cmjecamp on
Today I have no words. I am at a loss. I am frustrated and empty. I am sick of trying to "make it" work. I am tired of feeling let down and the enemy.
ADHD wife... my thoughts are with you also.
Smiling again - you gave me
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Smiling again - you gave me some wise words when I posted on here and I'm hoping to return the favour. What you just described was my husband's behaviour on a much larger, more dangerous, more damaging scale. I always worry that my husband thinks of himself over the needs of our kids, but he has never come close to dumping a vomiting, scared child on the lawn to clean his car. He has never thrown anything in front of our kids. When you're so involved in a situation, sometimes it's hard to see the forest from the trees - but as an outside observer, I can tell you you are justified in feeling that behaviour crossed a major line. My husband also refuses counselling, and things just don't get better. I know how hard it is to consider leaving with 2 small children, but leaving may be the wake up call he needs. He sounds like a ticking time bomb to me, in desperate need of help. Stay safe and hope things get better.
hi smilingagain
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi smilingagain,
First, I just want to say how strong you are. You are absolutely right; most moms would have lost it over that behavior. I don't even know how you managed to contain your rage as well as you did. You put your children first, even with the hail fire of emotion you were no doubt feeling. How sad that he wouldn't even think to comfort your daughter or help you with your sick child. He clearly needs help, and it is unfortunate that he won't accept it. Taping you? You should have taped HIM. I don't know what the right answer is here, but I can say that YOU can handle everything, and are one of those moms who is strong enough to be TWO parents. No matter what happens, your kids will know they are safe and loved with you.
You are in my thoughts, superwoman :),
ADHDMomof2
Thanks!
Submitted by smilingagain on
Thanks for your kind comments- everyone.
Things have been such a rollercoaster over the past few years. In between these awful moments, there are still a lot of good times. I am trying to focus on those (while not putting my head in the sand about the realities of what is happening in the bad times).
My husband is a good person. A good person having a really tough spot in his life. I am not making excuses for the behaviour I described- there are no excuses- but it's a small comfort that there is no intention to be this way. He's on a shitty ride that he is trying to get off of. I am hoping that once my husband gets though this tough time, there will be further significant improvements (there have already been improvements- these bad situations are happening less often and there is a quicker recovery after they do happen).
Having said all of that- the kids are my absolute priority and if things get dire- I will take the necessary steps to protect them, even if it means leaving my husband to deal with this by himself. I finally confided in my mother-in-law about it yesterday and she was surprisingly supportive. I just wanted her to have a bit of a head's up, so she would not be totally surprised if things were to suddenly fall apart. She was dismayed to hear about what's been going on- but she told me I have to put the kids first and that I can't put up with the behavior.
All that being said- thank you all for your support. I come daily and only occasionally weigh in (usually to provide support, rather than to talk about my own situation). To get support and understanding from this community is a great comfort to me at the moment. My other biggest support right now is my psychiatrist- who has provided great counsel about how to behave in the face of this and encouragement about how I've been handling it so far. The big key is detachment and eliminating as much emotion from my responses as possible... It's very challenging for me to do as I am emotional- but I'm getting better at it. It helps to remember that a lot of this behaviour is not personal- it's a physical display of my husband's fragility and deep pain... Again- I know that only goes so far... and it won't matter WHY if ultimately it doesn't change- but for the moment, it's making it a little easier to hang in there and to be as patient as I can.
Thanks again for the support. I truly appreciate it.
Safety is not negotiable
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
My heart aches for anyone that is in the middle of dealing with the rage of a spouse, whether or not it comes from ADHD. cmjecamp, I do NOT think it is normal, even if people with ADHD tend to have problems managing their anger. After a year of counseling and reflection, I made the decision that safety is not a negotiable part of my marriage. I have my doubts about medication controlling anger although I know it can have an affect on it. My spouse has only ever tried Adderall, and I never noticed a difference in his anger on or off the meds.
People who explode in a violent rage will say something like that they got so angry they were "out of control". That is really the first lie because in most cases, they choose who sees this kind of behavior. Sometimes it's only the spouse, or only the immediate family, but I know that in my own case, no one outside of our family has ever seen it, and they would be shocked to know that this seemingly pleasant man has a side like this. In my opinion, this shows that he can absolutely CAN control the behavior, but hasn't chosen to. When my kids were young, I could not imagine giving him an ultimatum that would have shaken him enough to stop, but now that they're older I feel badly that I kept such a secret for so long. The kids told me through the years that they were concerned that their dad needed "anger management" help, but they did not see the worst of it.
For any woman who is experiencing a marriage that contains displays of violent rage (whether on not you want to term that "abusive") I would strongly recommend getting counseling for yourself, and always having a plan to safely get out if you need to. cmjecamp, you and your kids do not deserve this. I can recommend a book that helped me while I was trying to figure out how to deal with this: "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft.
I still want to preserve my family, but safety is a priority, and I pray that my spouse will make the right choice about that. If he doesn't, at least I know that I tried everything that I was capable of.
All the best to you.
Safety is critical
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
After reading these comments, I am moved to weigh in here. I am in agreement with perfectstorm5 that anyone who is experiencing rage and violence in their marriage needs to insure that the safety of you and your kids absolutely come first. This means having an exit plan in the case of an escalation from anger to violence. Knowing where you would go, and what you would do is extremely important. Having a suitcase stored somewhere safe, and enough money to last until you can get to a bank is part of that plan.
ADHD is not an excuse for that level of violence where your physical safety, and the safety of your children are at risk. In these cases, there is often something more than ADHD going on. Proper diagnosis and appropriate medication is so important. Diet usually does not do enough. In the case of the ADHD partner refusing the proper management of ADHD symptoms, I really support you to take good care of yours.
Exit Strategy
Submitted by cmjecamp on
Thank you for the responses. I am happy to report that I do have an exit strategy and a permanent removal if necessary that my H and I have agreed upon in the event he is what I term "out of control" again. He really didn't realize how bad he behaved until I began sending him many of your responses. They were hard for him to read but he has taken to heart how reckless he was.
He is working to try to get the help he needs as he really does not want to lose his family and like some of you have said, he is a good man he just has to get a handle on what is happening to him now. Baby steps...right?
Reply to Broken
Submitted by KrazyKrysi on
cmjecamp,
I cant sit here and tell you that this kind of anger and rage is "normal" because it's not. A person who does not have ADHD would not act this way. Some people would say that a person who does have ADHD would not and should not act this way. I don't know what the right answer is, but I do know that you are not alone. I see the same sort of anger in my husband regularly. We have been married for 6 years. He finally got on medication (generic Adderall) last week. After only taking it for a few days he wants to stop. I really don't know if it's helping or not. He's been going through periods of self-medication by for years- since before we met - using an "herbal supplement" - if you catch my meaning. I've never been one to condone this, but it works - he's a different person. Like I said, I can't tell that the adderall is helping, because of his additional self-medication. I do know that when he isn't self-medicating his behavior sounds very similar to your husband. It starts off that he is radiation tension. I can tell immediately what kind of day it's going to be. Usually within a few minutes of my first contact with him for the day (whether it be in the mornings, or after work in the evenings), he will have snapped at me over nothing. The first couple of snaps I usually let roll off of my back. Then, if he is glaringly wrong or being irrational, I might try to say something back to him. This immediately escalates into an argument. I can't tell you how many times I've been called a stupid f***ing idiot...usually over nothing. He's never hit me, but he has gotten in my face. He throws things - the remote control, a dish or two...you get the point. Sometimes it's frightening. The verbal abuse is what hurts. Then, he can't understand why I have issues with being intimate. Why would I want to be intimate with someone who calls me names - fat, lazy, stupid...if he thinks those things about me why would he want to have sex with me? But then there's the flip side - when he's self-medicating he's great. It's not like he's high - like i would be. He's NORMAL. I did some research into alternative treatments...it's recommended. Bottom line is counseling is out of the questions - he can't admit there is something wrong with his mental state. But, I did finally get him to to go the doctor by convincing him, with the help of his mother, that ADHD was nothing to be ashamed of. He has ALL of the symptoms, in spades.
I'm sorry for going off on a tangent. I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. That you are NOT at fault. You are NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!! This is his problem. If you feel the need to get out, then do it. Love can only bridge so many gaps. I know first hand. I struggle often with staying or leaving. In the past I have stayed for my son (I'm pregnant with our 2nd son now). Somedays I have stayed because I lacked the energy to leave. But there is sometimes a calm after the storm. He will be tense for days...weeks. It will peek into an explosive argument (sometimes more than one explosive argument). Then it will calm back down into a mellow cycle for a few days...or weeks. Does your husband have cycles? Keep in touch, please.
Response to Krazy Krysi
Submitted by cmjecamp on
It is sad to see how many of us are actually experiencing the same types of scenarios. It is amazing to me as well because for so long I felt so alone. It seems that those closest to you are unable to understand the pain and tearing that takes place in knowing the behavior is not intentional and their is true remorse at times.
I have learned that without lines in the sand... my ADHD H will act all kinds of crazy when his stress levels are high or when circumstances around us are quickly changing or confrontational. He tries his best but sometimes that is not good enough. I have learned that I have to be strong and unwavering in protecting my children yet teaching them how to have love and patience for someone who maybe experiencing life changes that are out of their control. I have lost a number of family members to cancer and to understand the physical changes that take place when one is sick is a driving force for me to help him as long as he will let me. But when he stops trying... I can't make him... which means he has made a decision to end everything. I will stay as long as there is progress and we have taken actions to implement "cool down" times. This is hard for me because this is usually where me or the kids have our feelings hurt but when the white flag is drawn we all have agreed to stop. Stop talking... remove ourselves from the presence of each other and allow an hour or more for a total cool down. This has seemed to help stop the craziness and allows me to gain perspective again.
***Funny story for me here*** I can totally relate to this:
Bottom line is counseling is out of the questions - he can't admit there is something wrong with his mental state. But, I did finally get him to to go the doctor by convincing him, with the help of his mother, that ADHD was nothing to be ashamed of. He has ALL of the symptoms, in spades.
For many years I told my H he had something wrong. That I wanted him to be checked. He refused profusely. He errs on the side of verbal abuse as well and acts out of his anger too. (He bullies but has NEVER hit me) In counseling, as a measure to "get me back" and prove nothing was wrong with him. He sarcastically asks the counselor, " My wife thinks I have mental issues. My former counselor doesn't think so... what say you?" and he looks at me with this "get ready for your medicine" grin. The counselor sits down and looks at him and says, "Well, I am so glad you asked me that. Actually, I do think you have what is known as ADHD. I do not think you have a mental issue but more difficulty processing everyday life." He was floored. He stopped looking at me and sat back and really thought about what she said. I wanted to "give it to him" but then I realized that it was like he just received this information for the first time and the air was knocked out of him. My heart wouldn't let me be mean-- so I cried.
ADHD is a strange little problem but not all hope is completely lost. Hang in there. There is hope despite the pain.
Suggested reading
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Hi ladies,
Just to add to what I wrote above, there are 2 very good books that I recommend that have to do with dealing with difficult men. They are both by Lundy Bancroft. The first has been mentioned before on this site, and it is called Should I Stay or Should I Go?" And the second is called, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. When a man is angry all the time, he is controlling the people around him who never know when the angry outbursts are going to occur.
It's important to know that men who have ADHD are still not excused from acting really poorly, and abusing their wives, which then can leak out to abusing their families. And it is important to keep in mind what lessons are being taught to your children when there are outbursts of anger and bullying in the household on a regular basis. These men do need to get some kind of help. Whether it is in the form of more or different medications, or counseling, or an anger management group. They often do not change just because they say they will. Change takes real work and real commitment.
These books are both very good in bringing more insight to these very challenging situations.