Hi everyone. Gathering the strength for my first post.
So. After coming here and learning the truth I am facing painful realities about me and my marriage to an ADHD woman.
My life has been one of caretaking. I saw myself with perfectly horrid clarity. Constantly blamed and shamed for trying to have some order in the chaos that is undiagnosed ADHD.
32 years came crashing down like a pile of crumbs on the floor once I saw how it had affected our relationship. It took a massive effort on my part to get through her denial and lies to make her finally understand. I told her calmly and honestly what ADHD had done to me and our marriage and that I must be allowed to speak my truth. I have never before been able to even suggest that she had anything wrong with her without the vicious reprisals. Anyway, That was a very long incredibly painful sequence over 3 days to finally get through.
I am the classic support person that has enabled the ADHD one to gather themselves and make success in life. Always at my expense though. I have had 4 careers of mine scuttled to follow the latest impulsive decision to uproot our family to pursue the next thrill for her. Since she has the best job she has always used that to silence the voice of reason in our decisions, me. That has left me in places watching her flourish with new opportunities and rewards while I get nothing in return for my sacrifice. In a new place with absolutely no options. No friends no job nothing. Start over from scratch. All the while watching helplessly while our life saving is drained rapidly. That has finally culminated in my awakening to find myself a very angry and hurt person who has no self esteem left at all. It always gets turned on me so it is my fault and that has made me depressed and withdrawn, socially isolated and despondent.
Today I am finally taking care of myself. I left 2 days ago when I realized that I had not been allowed to speak the truth for 32 years. I told her that I needed to give myself some time away to process what I just learned and to try to help myself out of the negativity that I have descended into. I have arranged a 3 week break so I can think clearly and rationally, because I can not process any of this inside the bubble of chaos that is our life together. I came here to the forum last night and wrote it all out and the after reading it a bunch of times, just deleted the post and said I am not ready. I am so broken right now I just needed someone to listen a bit without dumping all my load on them.
So anyone who has a kind ear and has listened, thank you.
Hi Gardener
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am glad you could find us--mostly a group of non-ADHD partners with similar experiences to yours. I am currently at the beginning of the process of ending my 20+ year relationship with an ADHD partner.
I know what it's like to feel completely invalidated. Every concern I had was met with denial, anger or a shrug. I only started to realize recently how my confidence in my own evaluation of my experience has been shaken over time. If there is a silver lining, it is that you recognize that ADHD is at play. That is immensely helpful, I think, in understanding what has been going on in your relationship over the decades and in helping you to decide how to proceed from here. At least, it was helpful in my case.
I'm sorry for all you're going through and glad you found the strength to post. I hope your 3 week break is positive for you. Be kind to yourself - you deserve it!
Kindness
Submitted by Gardener on
Hi Melody. Thanks for your kindness. Yeah it is pretty hard to come to grips with it all. The hardest thing is not feeling like I had a voice in my own marriage for so long. Every time I built up a new business and got settled we smashed and burned again. I don't know right now if I have the strength to do it all again. There is so much fear that it will all get torn down.
At least I have started to sleep. It was nearly a week with no substantial sleep just twisting with the information in my head and that was really wearing me down. The getaway is the best thing I could have done for myself. Now I can just be kind to me. That is something new.
My partner has come to the realizations that I needed her to have. She is getting help as well. Things have begun to get better with the telling of truth. Staying with the truth and repeating it over and over. I am still a nervous wreck though!
My heart goes out to you
Submitted by Brindle on
I think you've done a very difficult and brave thing. Yes, you did support her to your own detriment, and now you are supporting yourself. Bravo! I hope you will come back now and again and let us know how you're doing.
a good thing
Submitted by Gardener on
Thanks Brindle for your words of encouragement. I have been back home now for a couple of days and things are so much better for both of us. I can say that the whole episode resulted in new understanding and a chance to deal with difficult issues. I discovered a stress relief and relaxation program that is really helping me and my wife is in treatment for the ADHD. This site and the book have helped me understand the truth about how different we really are and that has been very helpful. A 3 week break in a marriage is hard to do but for me/us it was the best thing to do. Things will not be magically "better" and we both know that we have a lot of work ahead of us, but we have new understanding and communication that did not exist before. Many reasons to be excited for the future.
I understand your pain
Submitted by YM on
It's so difficult for me to figure out when to be supportive and when to put my foot down and say that things are out of control. I am often swept away by the intensity of my ADHD spouse, which is tremendous fun where things are going well, but the level of chaos and distress when things don't go well are so high, that I feel like I must bear the burden and keep the household/marriage/business afloat. And when I do confront, I have to be ready for 1, 2, sometimes 3 days of simmering anger from my partner. I just can't most days and I feel like I am in a situation similar to yours. I don't have any specific advice. Stay strong - I think you're doing what's best for you both.
Staying strong
Submitted by Gardener on
Hi YM thanks for your comment. When you said "I am often swept away by the intensity of my ADHD spouse," That really hit home for me. Taking a break was very traumatic for both of us, but it resulted in a reset in our relationship. We can now talk about the ADHD, but carefully as we have to navigate around RSD. The understanding of how the ADHD brain differs from mine was most helpful. Getting treatment and becoming aware of the ADHD effect on marriage gave me new hope for the future. If you have not read the book, I can say it helped me a lot.