Broken beat and scarred

Hi everyone. Gathering the strength for my first post.

So.  After coming here and learning the truth I am facing painful realities about me and my marriage to an ADHD woman.

My life has been one of caretaking.  I saw myself with perfectly horrid clarity.  Constantly blamed and shamed for trying to have some order in the chaos that is undiagnosed ADHD.

32  years came crashing down like a pile of crumbs on the floor once I saw how it had affected our relationship.  It took a massive effort on my part to get through her denial and lies to make her finally understand. I told her calmly and honestly what ADHD had done to me and our marriage and that I must be allowed to speak my truth.  I have never before been able to even suggest that she had anything wrong with her without the vicious reprisals.  Anyway, That was a very long incredibly painful sequence over 3 days to finally get through.

I am the classic support person that has enabled the ADHD one to gather themselves and make success in life.  Always at my expense though.  I have had 4 careers of mine scuttled to follow the latest impulsive decision to uproot our family to pursue the next thrill for her.  Since she has the best job she has always used that to silence the voice of reason in our decisions, me.  That has left me in places watching her flourish with new opportunities and rewards while I get nothing in return for my sacrifice.  In a new place with absolutely no options.  No friends no job nothing.  Start over from scratch.  All the while watching helplessly while our life saving is drained rapidly.  That has finally culminated in my awakening to find myself a  very angry and hurt person who has no self esteem left at all.  It always gets turned on me so it is my fault and that has made me depressed and withdrawn, socially isolated and despondent. 

Today I am finally taking care of myself.  I left 2 days ago when I realized that I had not been allowed to speak the truth for 32 years. I told her that I needed to give myself some time away to process what I just learned and to try to help myself out of the negativity that I have descended into. I have arranged a 3 week break so I can think clearly and rationally, because I can not process any of this inside the bubble of chaos that is our life together.  I came here to the forum last night and wrote it all out and the after reading it a bunch of times, just deleted the post and said I am not ready. I am so broken right now I just needed someone to listen a bit without dumping all my load on them.

So anyone who has a kind ear and has listened, thank you.