I've had a particularly difficult day today. ADHD BF is out of town for a work project. I woke up early to get a jump on my day and had NO INTERNET. Because BF didn't pay the bill and it is more than TWO months overdue. And because my entire business is online, I was screwed.
I had mentioned the overdue internet bill to BF several times in recent months and he repeatedly told me, "I'll take care of it" and "Don't worry." At one point in April, he told me that he had "Contacted them and worked out a plan."
Really? Seems like not so much.
So my question tonight is... this situation feels like not only a broken promise, but like a lie. Not sure which is worse. He looked me right in the eyes and said that he would take care of it. And he did not. Ironically, his business is also online-based but since he's out of town, this did not even directly affect him today. What do you guys think... is this a broken promise or a lie? Is one worse than the other? Does it even matter? Bottom line - once again - is that I believe that I cannot trust him. He is not good to his word. And since this internet suspension left me in the lurch, I feel like he basically said "Screw you" to me. His priorities were and are elsewhere.
After some angry text messages from me, he made a tiny partial payment online using his phone (less than 1/4 of the total amount due) and by a miracle, they turned the internet back on tonight. He did not call Cox or work out a deal. There is still an overdue balance. The water bill is also two months late. Will that be shut off next?
BF only pays for TWO household bills. Or should I say, he is supposed to pay two household bills. The Cox bill and the water. I pay everything else. Everything. Ridiculous.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Lies
Submitted by jennalemon on
Give him the electricity bill. Then do not look at his accounts. If the electricity is turned off from non-payment, he will sit in hot/cold/darkness. Take what you need with you and stay away until he figures out how to get the money and pay it. Do hot help him. Remind him how you told him he is the one responsible for the electricity. Let him FEEL the consequences of his inattention....he will never forget again.
Dh actually said to me months later it was a good thing I did that to him in the middle of sub-zero weather although he was irate at the time. He found the money. It made me content that he was not squirrelling money away for his own uses. It made him get a part time job to pay the electric bill.
But here is the kicker that kicks us:
Trust is a key ingredient in a happy relationship
If they lie they cannot be trusted, no matter if the lies have anything to do with ADD. We get to feel stupid (and carry the stigma) and used for permitting ourselves to be tied to someone who lies.
Second chances and jennalemon
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Second chances and jennalemon,
"Trust is a key ingredient in a happy relationship"
I believe this to be true. My spouse means to be trustworthy, wants to be trustworthy, but is not trustworthy. I want to trust him. But a big percentage of the time, his actions let me down. He doesn't do it out of contempt, he doesn't do it on purpose, but it happens, and I get frustrated.
I see very clearly how the evolution happened of my assuming an unbalanced amount of the responsibility in our relationship.
I was unwilling to live in a messy house, so I cleaned. I was unwilling to be at home with a sink and counter full of dirty dishes - that he forgot to do both the night before, AND before he left for work, so I did them.
I did not mind being the helper/assistant. The problems came in when I realized he did not value what I did. And could not trust me to organize his barn. And could not trust me to set up a time schedule for the business. And could not trust me to be looking out for his/mine/our best interest. He always felt I was trying to pull a fast one on him, trying to do things behind his back.
We have an upsidedown state of trust - I trusted him, and he continually let me down. I was trust worthy - and he could not trust me.
Since he said to you "I
Submitted by MFrances on
Since he said to you "I contacted them and worked out a plan" and obviously didn't do that, that is a lie not just a broken promise. I can stretch and say that saying I'll take care of it and not doing that could be a broken promise because he probably forgot. But also could be a lie since said he would and didn't. But, either way you know you cannot count on him to follow through and with that one statement he did lie, and that makes it hurt all the worse. Don't let him be responsible for the internet bill if you rely on it for your work.
I am the same way
Submitted by sfurze76 on
I have ADHD and I have done the same things numerous times. I say i will pay a bill and then i get a late fee or my cable gets shut off. It is not that I lied and said I would and just did not do it it is that i simply forgot. This happened on numerous occasions and I have found a solution to this problem of missing the payments when they are due. I found an app in the appstore on itunes called manilla you input all of your account numbers for bills and it connects to the companys site and generates a schedule for you of when your bills are do and it emails you reminders that the payments are coming up and also has a feature where it can connect you right to the site to pay the bills. It has helped me alot in this aspect only bad thing is the app is being stopped at the end of june so i am in search of another like this and if i find one will post it here. Also setting calander events with alarm reminders days ahead of time for payments such as car insurance and home insurance as those are not connected through the app help alot. my calander is filled with alot of reminder dates
I know it is frustrating to you to deal with this. My wife feels the same way but i also realized when she gets on me about it my anxiety kicks in and makes it alot worse, I am not trying to downplay the actions of one but people that do not have ADHD do not realize that the easiest things for some may be the hardest for us
Acknowledgement
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
sfurze76,
"people that do not have ADHD do not realize that the easiest things for some may be the hardest for us"
This was one of the hardest parts of dealing with the public school system. Many parts of school were graded on HOW things were done, rather than by what the student knew, or how he could figure out a system that worked for him. Why should a student get a "C" in math class, regardless of the accuracy of his work, just because he couldn't make the teacher's organizational notebook work for him? "Sorry that your son got 100% on that paper, but then filed it in the front of the notebook instead of section "3".
It is one thing to hear, "Hey I don't care, I'll put it where I want." versus witnessing a young man in tears because he just doesn't know why he can't get it right.
When it comes to my marriage, it would be nice to just work together - find our strengths and respect each other for them. That just hasn't happened for me.