Submitted by Libby on 01/08/2019.
I'm just wondering if you call you person on their lies. I'm not talking about huge life changing ones but everyday smaller incidents. We have been having issues with our furnace. The technician said it is because the filter isn't cleaned enough. I can remember one time my DH cleaned it. He swears he does it once a month. Such a huge bald faced lie. I cannot even believe that he would say that. What do you say in these kinds of instances?
Say nothing...
Submitted by c ur self on
What happens if you say something? Denial? Argument? A ugly responding or blaming comment back to you?....If a person's heart is in such a state, that they can tell bald face lies, there isn't any good thing that can come out of pointing out...It becomes a war of words, and usually ends badly....I've never know a lair, who would admit they lied.....I suggest just walking away, and I probably wouldn't put much stock in what this person said going forward...i also wouldn't (if I'm wise I wouldn't, sometime I'm not so wise) allow myself to get in any back and forth banter with someone who has no conscience for honesty...It's just willfully stepping in the doodoo....
c
Calling my person on lies...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Yes.
As uncomfortable as it was for me to do so, I called my BF on his lies last night. We were on the phone for 3 hours, discussing it. He asked me if I understood what his motivations were behind his lying, and I said yes. I have understood what was behind it the first time he lied to me almost 3 years ago. I then told him that it does not give him a free pass to lie, or make it any less hurtful for me. Furthermore, I explained that it hurts me no matter what the motives are behind it. I understand defense mechanisms are a habit that is hard to break, but he does not need to use these old defense mechanisms with me.
I told him that I wil NOT continue in this relationship if he continues to lie to me, no matter what he lies about, or what the reason is. I also said that each time he lies, trust is broken and needs to be rebuilt. I am seeing him this evening. I want this relationship to work.
Adele
Submitted by barneyarff on
Adele
You say you want this relationship to work. I can't but wonder why? With all the troubles why invite that into your life? Wouldn't you prefer less chaos?
Not trying to be mean. But now in my old age I look back and understand love was never enough. Helping was never enough. Nothing was never enough. I'm exhausted from it and feel like I wasted my life trying to have a relationship with someone who had way too many struggles.
Why?
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
In a previous post, I spoke about my BF's use of cannabis, both to relieve herniated discs in his neck, to occasionally calm himself down when he is anxious, stressed and "can't quiet his mind"....or because he is bored and likes how he feels when he smokes it.
I have never smoked it, and I don't intend to start.
Until recently, cannabis has not been legal in my state. There is also some stigma attached to those who smoke it. When I met my BF, he made it sound like his use was in the past, when if fact he was taking a break from smoking it.
What upset me so much was that by not telling me he was back to smoking it, he was in fact lying to me.
He has only lied to me about this one thing. Is his smoking pot off and on a deal breaker for me? No. Lying is a problem for me, because it can erode trust.
My BF lies about smoking it because in his words: "I feel like I'm going to be in trouble", which goes back to his abusive childhood and marriage. He lied back then about everything under the sun so that he would not be "in trouble".
I know this is something he needs to work on. He is not used to being in a healthy relationship. His two failed marriages and abusive childhood had him lying to survive. He does not need to do this with me. HE needs to trust in me and our relationship, trust that he can tell me the truth without worrying about whether or not I'm going to leave him because he smokes pot.
PS I know what a wasted life feels like....I was married to an abusive man for 17 years. Its hard for me to put into words what my relationship is like with my BF. I feel cherished, valued and understood. He doesn't yell at me, doesn't blame any of his struggles/problems on me....He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen, in spite of my 53 year old, overweight body. I FEEL beautiful when I am with him. When I had a stroke last year, he was right there in the hospital, holding my hand with tears in his eyes.
I feel loved.
Is lying ok?
Submitted by Alone on
I give you credit for staying with this guy. I’m glad he loves and cherishes you. You are one of the lucky ones. My husband has made some big lies in our marriage. Some are lies of omission. I found out he cashed out a large sum of money and deposited into his new bank account. Then I noticed his paychecks were less and questioned him. He said that was his allowance. I don’t have one or a separate bank account. Then around thanksgiving he pulled in the garage with a very expensive vehicle. He had talked about it and I said no way!! Have a kid starting college. He said he deserved it. I could go on and on but a lie is a lie. What about morals? In your situation it seems like a small lie and much more understandable. We all lie . We are not perfect . But it’s the frequency and damage the lies do that destroys trust. It’s too bad my marriage is ending. I always thought of my husband as someone who was honest. In these past couple of months I have seen another side of him. He is a jekel and Hyde! Sorry to go on and on but lies hurt so much!!!
Lies do hurt.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I think most people wouldn't consider my BF lying about smoking pot to be a big deal, but I did because he was addicted to Cocaine when he was younger. In his own words he "has a problem with substances". Even though pot is not physically addictive, he could become dependent on it. There are enough times when my BF is inattentive or distracted as it is, and I don't want to deal with him being stoned in addition to being distracted. If we have time set aside to spend together, I want him to be fully present. Nothing pisses me off more than when we finally get time together and he is distracted or messaging someone on his phone for an hour...after he just complained that "we don't get time together" because of our schedules.