I've come to a realization that is plaguing me to the point of distraction. I have accepted it...but I have yet to move on from it that appears to be at the source of something I have yet to come to any understanding of. It really is about anger and denial and it is part of the inability on my wife's part to speak to me openly about this which is why I have come here and stayed here looking for something that will allow me to put this mystery to rest and just move on from it.
I can see the legitimacy behind everyone here (besides me)....that has come to face in their relationships with a person who they married and has ADHD and that is not the problem. The problem I have in coming to terms with my own personal situation is that I was married before.....felt I have learned from my mistakes...and tried my best not to bring the past into my current relationship with my wife. And since I spent a great deal of time educating her and warning her of all the symptoms and their draw backs....I am seeing no difference in before when I didn't know... or do this ahead of time...in comparison to now. No difference what so ever.
My wife cannot say she was surprised or shocked. She can't say I didn't tell her ahead of time. And she can't say that she was sand bagged, duped, deceived or not given a thorough amount of information to be armed with enough to use this as an excuse in her case. She was with me plenty...and I even pointed out what was 'ADHD and what was not to her ahead of time so she could know what she was seeing and not see or read something else into it.
To be sure and to make this clear.....everyone else I have read about or has come here has a legitimate reason to use here.... in case of not knowing and then finding out later either due to denial, not communicating things ahead of time, or not doing anything to correct the effects that ADHD has on their relationship.
I'm not going to assume anything here and not assuming that everything that I've speculated to...is even even correct about my wife and what I've learned and tried to apply to her. No one has diagnosed my wife with anything and I'm leaving that stand right where it is. Not knowing anything and assuming she is just like any other non-spouse who's come here.
Can anyone help me understand from the non ADHD side of things.....how you would feel if you were with me...and had all of that information and up front communication explained to you.... with full disclosure...... and a willingness to talk about anything....in order to put some legitimacy in having the same attitude and the same issues you are having now...with a situation where none of this actually happened ahead of time?
I'm finding without something that I had yet to run across or find any means to compare to...impossible to give my wife any legitimacy to being the same (exactly) as if none of that ever happened. I can find no comparison or situation to compare mine to..and this has created a situation where I find myself discounting everything my wife says as an excuse and without credibility. I'm not looking for validation for myself....I'm looking for a legitimate "real" answer to something that I am no longer going to keep trying to find an answer to...but I would be lying to say that the weight of anything my wife says to the contrary in taking the same position that I experience in the past has little to no credibility what so ever.
Without the same legitimacy I see here with literally EVERYONE ELSE except for my wife....I need this explained to me from the only point of view that I cannot get for myself being on this side of things?
This is the "thing" or the "it"...that my wife won't say....and nothing here on this forum as yet to prove to help explain this to me yet? All I see when my wife complains....is hypocrisy...and I cannot resolve see my way out of it enough...to give my wife the same credit, that I can give to everyone else who is not in this situation. I'm not looking for a way out....or a means for an excuse....I'm looking for an opinion or a perspective that I cannot get on my own. That would be impossible to see or know....not knowing anything else?
Knowing this...will help me know which way I approach my wife and not assume what I can't know other wise. I can either give her the benefit of the doubt.....or not. Right now. She hasn't earned it, which appears the one thing that every other non-ADHD person who has come here actually has because of this very reason that does not apply to anyone else except for me in this case.
As it appears to me....doing what I did was a monumental waste of time if it doesn't matter either way and the same thing happens anyway. That's the problem but I would like to get a different opinion on this...which would give me cause to doubt myself and give that benefit of the doubt to my wife.
This is the perspective that appears missing with only her and no one else? I feel guilty for ignoring her and dismissing her anger as invalid because of this....and I really don't want to do this which is what I'm saying. Either I know that I should keep doing what I'm doing...and try to weed out the wheat from the chaff and just keep guessing...or just let it go and ignore her and invalidate what I can only see as hypocrisy on her part. I have yet to come across my situation exactly...and this makes me feel like the odd man out here with nothing else to go on?
The thing is....I have the only experience that I have that tells me when I see what I'm seeing which is exactly the same....then the same thing will happen whether I do anything or not....the same as I said about the monumental waste of time and energy spent already. All the examples and the spectating about how to get out of a relationship with someone with ADHD....appears to be the overwhelming evidence of not investing any more than I have to..if the inevitable is going to happen anyway.
The pattern seems consistent....regardless of the effort or energy you put in? (in my situation, past experience...and in light of everything that does not apply....to anyone else here? ) If that's the case....why waste your time or energy in the first place? In my mind....that's just selling yourself short and betraying yourself in the process? Why would anyone put forth any effort or energy.....to do that? I could certainly save myself the trouble...and put my energies else where and just stop worrying about it do what ever I'm doing with give no credence to wifes opinion since she doesn't count here since she can't use that as an excuse. Does anyone have an opinion?