My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in February. He hid the diagnosis from me (he said its a private matter, and he’s very secretive by nature) and I only found out because I found the tablets.
There’s a backdrop of him blindsiding me with things in our relationship - his impulsive behaviour / not thinking through the consequences is as a result of his ADHD, but hiding his diagnosis was almost the final straw for me. We have two young kids, one of whom is struggling at school - so his diagnosis is relevant and it is not a private matter in my mind.
We’ve been having counselling since the summer. I thought we were making some progress. The counsellor is vastly experienced in ADHD and ASD; every scenario I give her, she can explain as his ADHD brain. Which is helping me to understand why he is as he is/why he does what he does, but it doesn’t make me feel better about the stuff he’s done.
On Tuesday night I discovered he’d put a spy camera (hidden in a USB charging port) in our bedroom. When I asked him about it, he lied, and promised me it didn’t have a camera in it. The truth eventually came out, I stayed calm, despite being upset and feeling violated. He’s not even sorry for what he’s done. He’s paranoid that I am snooping on him, paranoid because things in his office keep moving (I never go in his office! But we’ve got two kids who do!), paranoid I’ve hired a private investigator (erm, that’ll be a no!), and feels he’s ‘justified in his actions’. I’m at a loss.
I feel like I’m going insane as I can’t talk to anyone about this who knows him as they all think he’s wonderful, fun, a great dad...
Can this behaviour really be his ADHD, or is it something more sinister?
Suspicious
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I find it worrisome that HE claims to be paranoid that you're snooping when he's the one hiding a camera and lying about it. Look up deflecting in relationships. I wonder what he's so concerned about you finding, too... why does he feel you'd have cause to hire a PI? That thought wouldn't even cross the minds of most. It's a red flag that he accuses you of hiding things (when you're not), but he IS hiding things (his diagnosis, the camera... What else might there be?).
A hidden camera is way over the line in my books - how are you supposed to ever feel comfortable again? Especially when he has no regret. I'm not an expert, but deliberately hiding a camera can't be explained by ADHD... not that it matters because that's unacceptable regardless. Whether you leave or stay in the long run, be careful because he has proven at least twice now that he is not being honest with you.
I think you are right to be concerned. I am just a stranger on the internet, obviously. Please make sure you keep talking to your therapist who knows your situation better about your concerns.