can individuals with adhd (innattentive type) havevery long thoughtful discussions without processing/understanding issues ?

my wife has recently had the above diagnosis, which she self diagnosed, then got a professional diagnosis.

i have long term experience of working professionally with teenagers with adhd as a mentor , youth and community worker and have a lot of experience analysing behaviour patterns and devising work approaches to support and be aware of difficulties involved in living with adhd

i have never thought of or seen signs of my wife having any symptoms typical of adhd (innattentive type) but that she has IMO major issues from childhood (to which i sympathise) that she has never got to the bottom of. 

these unresolved issues manifest themselves in a very chronically long term immature lifeview and behaviour,avoidance of worklife, immature parenting of our children, avoidance of general adult responsabilities and a very immature role in close relationships.

following the breakdown of our relationship she is sought out the adhd explanation and convinced herself and others of a adhd diagnosis.prior to her adhd diagnosis and just after the breakdown of the relationship she was very able to have similarly deep thoughtfull reflective conversations for hours at a time over issues in our relationship that were her responsability.

i have given her the benefit of the doubt on this adhd diagnosis until of late (as i and many people had had reservations on this) when we met to discuss our relationship breakdown further to resolve and put to peace such issues.

the conversation only came about due to the context of unmet family bills in need of immediate action.we spoke continually for 4 1/2 hours one night till 1.30am

then the next day from 10.30am till 5 pm, with little break . OVER TEN HOURS of  honest deep reflective discussions over many a deep topic, both talking without blame or aggression but exploring topics in honest depth

during this conversation she told me of how she now has much deeper relationships with friends since the relationship breakdown. . with no mention of issues with communicating with them


we discussed issues as seeing me as a father figure, immaturity,avoidance,work avoidance fears and very often when faced with the impact of her behaviour on others she returned to 'adhd made me unable to take these things on board but now i know i have my diagnosis  i can'.she often resorted to trying to get me to read her official diagnosis letter and reading sections of books on adhd to me on symptoms that she feels cover her experience 9she did this when any topics involving taking account for her behaviour came up)

AND saying she 'why didnt i see that she had a disability when i had worked in such a field for so long?', to which my reply was i just felt she had had huge emotional issues she'd never dealt with, was chronically immature (never wanted to grow up and i was her father figure) and had a lot of fear issues (that when pushed by me she often managed to achieve with ease)

after ten hours of this deep level of discussion i asked her 'did she feel that that her adhd affected her processing / understanding/response to the relationship breakdown in general day today life?' to which she said NOT REALLY, NO,NOT AT ALL, all the issues of alleged adhd have disappeared since the breakdown of relationship (her only comment on when these symptoms occur now is 'sometime i feel the symptoms when im tired or had a wine')

i then pointed out to her that for 10 hours her level of engagement in conversation was very deep,thoughtfull,reflective honest and showed NO signs of any processing issues in understanding/responding/interacting/interpretreting emotions/experiences which i would expect to evidence such a disability.

i believe now with absolute clarity based on such a long conversations , their content and her behaviour/articulation/abilities of reflectiveness that she has NOT got adhd at all (as i know many people with adhd of a variety of types that could in know way discuss such issues for such a long period of time in such depth,clarity,reflect with ease and voice their understanding of other peoples feelings and perspectives and that it is a complex smokescreen solution for other unresolved issues and has been off use to her in avoiding feelings of guilt and shame over her behaviour over many many years.

all the symptoms that she pins on adhd are explainable quite simply by never leaving adolescence , growing up and taking responsability and having such deep issues of dependance on me that she has never grown up

i think she felt only safe enough to have the long conversation with me because throughout i was acknowledging her adhd as being real (and thus excusing her of her guilt)


i pitched to her that she may be covering some other issues over in her search for a reason for her behaviour rather than the very uncomfortable issues of looking at herself honestly due to the hurt,guilt ,fear and shame that may hold

what's your thoughts on whether someone with such a diagnosis could hold such conversations . .