My husband recently started seeing another psychiatrist for the ADHD. He started 4 weeks ago and so far little to no results on Strattera, but based on what I've read, it requires some patience. He believes meds are "just for now" and that his goal is to get off of them (I think he needs to stay on them...).
He also believes ADHD is not the core problem in our marriage -- ADHD's just some of his quirks. According to him, the marriage is terrible because I'm me and I push too hard and criticize too much, and he's him and maybe we're not compatible after all (we've been married 8 years and have 3 small kids). Yet our destructive patterns fit the ADHD rollercoaster perfectly and I believe at our core we are very compatible. He chides my effort at ADHD knowledge, books, makes fun of me joining a support group and sees it as a way to shirk responsibility in my failings in the relationship. Any ADHD dialogue gets shut down. He tells me I should spend more time working on myself and my issues ("maybe I need meds") and to "back off". All negative thinking and he is very fragile right now and he's ready to get a divorce.
Frankly, the realization that ADHD was so fundamental to the negative patterns gave me relief and gave me lots of things I want to work on for myself and ideas that could help us as a couple -- but has caused him to feel judged by me and made our marriage extremely contentious. He sees me as the enemy always looking for the ADHD characteristics in him to blame him -- even when I try to talk to him positively, acknowledge my bad behaviors and patterns that contribute, etc. He doesn't want me to go there AT ALL and all I get is a negative black and white response and now he's thinking divorce.
I get it, and am trying to back off, but I'm concerned that there is no hope for us, especially the way he withdraws into his own world and totally ignores me/resents me and shuts down. My question is this -- can the right ADHD meds fundamentally change their outlook and willingness to explore things and get things going slightly in the right direction (I know they are not a silver bullet) or am I kidding myself here?