Can a person with ADD control violent outbursts?

I've been with my partner for 2 years. We have been planning a wedding for about 6 months.  She is a very caring, loving and funny person.  But she gets so unpredictable and unreliable that i get nervous about her stability with work.  She has had more jobs in the two years I've been with her than I've had my entire life.  She has been upfront with me and has told me that she has ADHD, Depression and PTSD. But to tell you the truth i didn't know what that ment.  As quickly as she can be happy and romantic, she can turn and be the most evil mouthed intimidating person you could ever meet. But after she blows up, its my fault.  No matter what it was about.  Everything gets turned on  me.  I'm sure i could be more supportive, but i cant handle being the only grown-up in the relationship. She's compulsive, and if we argue, she will make me feel bad.  Today however, things got the worst it has ever been.  I broke up with her a few months ago, and would not come home until she agreed to get therapy and medication.  She made the appts and agreed. very apologetic and sincere.  I noticed today that she hasn't been taking her medications and has canceled her therapy appts (the one where they were going to see what other meds she needed).  I brought it  up to her and we got into a verbal fight.  It ended with her being physically violent.  but once she calmed down, she swore up and down that she didn't mean to hurt me and asked me if i was "over it". Again, she was acting like it was my fault. any suggestions? i don't know what to do.

I'm sorry....

Dennis, my advice to you would be to leave this relationship.  Unless your partner actually starts therapy and sticks with it on a regular basis, a marriage with her would just be more of the same physical and verbal abuse.  Frankly, abuse is a deal-breaker imho.  Nobody should put up with that...nobody.   You seem willing to do whatever is necessary to help and understand her, but she isn't willing to do anything herself.    She appears to have a boatload of problems to address--ADHD, PTSD and depression.  Just one of those is a lot to deal with, but three? Wowee.  Counseling is imperative....meds too I would expect. 

Honey, run....don't walk...away from this relationship.  She will not change unless she matures enough to realize how her conditions affect other people, and is willing to address them.   At this point she is refusing, and that doesn't bode well for any kind of relationship. 

Your present is your future if you don't leave

I say this because I've been there and now I'm going through a separation leading to a divorce.  My ADHD husband was emotionally/verbally abusive.  It never got better but worse.  I hate to be negative but I would feel terrible if I told you it would get better and then you end up like me.  I fought for my husband and tried time and time again to help him and keep us together.  My advice is to put you first and to make sure that someone is going to treat you the way you deserve.  I know we love and feel bad bc of the lack of control over their emotions/behavior but leaving should be the first on your list of the action you need to take...not your last.  My husband but bf at the time exploded at me on our 3rd date.  It was honestly surreal and ask me what has changed.  He only seems to change when he is away from me.  Is it ironic how he treats everyone the same who is part of his immediate life?  He needs to lose to feel love?   You deserve a happy life but know that your present situation is also your future.

Yep it's going to be a tough decision but I promise you can move on for the better.  Best of luck to you and keep us posted.


I wish I could say something different here, but I am also speaking from experience.  But my experience is from your partner's perspective...I was diagnosed with ADHD about 15 months ago.  More often than I would truly like to admit, I have been verbally and physically abusive with my husband.  I cannot believe he has stuck around when I really think about it. Fortunately, (if you can really even say that here), I have not done anything that really hurt him other than his feelings.  I have acknowledged this issue with my therapist and myself so that I get myself on the road to more acceptable behavior.  But it sounds like she is denying her ADD, especially since she won't take her meds.  As long as she continues to deny that she needs help to manage this, your relationship with her will never be different and it could get worse.

My heart goes out to you as you make such a tough decision.

I feel you...

I'm 26 and have been with my partner for 6 years, he has been having violent outbursts that can turn physical, and it is always apparently my fault. When he can finally separate emotion from the actual argument, he brings up all sorts of things that we've been through over 5 years and I feel guilty, for any mistake I've made in the past (I never cheated or anything like that, littler things) and also for making him so angry that I made him lose control. So not only have I been yelled at, restrained, thrown out of my home (I pay the rent!) and occasionally choked or hit, I feel guilty for causing it all. I'm not stupid and I know deep down it's not all me, but I can't help the way I feel.

Our relationship is usually fine, as I am usually pretty strong, calm and patient, but I've had a few issues lately, outside of the relationship, which have weakened me. I lost my dog of 17 years and was made redundant at work, so was very sad as well as under a lot of pressure to find work. During these difficult times, he couldn't allow me to be stressed, or to be sad and quietly mourn. Because he has ADHD. And any slip in my usually highly tolerant behavior turns into a massive fight, at the very time when I feel I need a shoulder. It makes me think what would happen if something hugely tragic happened in our lives, would I have anywhere to turn? I wouldn't, I will always have to be the rock. I am starting to wonder if I can deal with that.

We can all relate to the

We can all relate to the deflection of blame, but your situation is in crisis mode, and it makes me sad that you seem to have such a non-chalant attitude about it.

-you pay rent, yet he kicks you out...

-he gets mad, gets physical, and blames you...yet he's still around?

I don't mean to judge your situation with such little information..please tell me what I'm missing?

I don't care what anyone else does, we are each 100% responsible for our own behaviors and reactions. You say you know that it isn't your fault, but you feel guilty...please explain how you can know that HE is responsible for HIS actions, yet you feel guilty. I would super glue his (insert body part) to his (insert another body part) in his sleep!!!

I understand and need advice

Me and My husband grew up together we have known each other since we were 11, he was always nice and calm and never violent. We got married almost three years ago and ever since we had our daughter two years ago he has been short tempered, verbally abusive, destructive of our stuff, and at times he gets physical. I have talked to him so many times about this and it has gotten to the point that if I have feelings or opinions I should expect a verbal beating and to replace whatever he has broken. I'm not allowed to have feelings or say things that he might find upsetting- and every time he does this it ends up being my fault he had an outburst and I'm a horrible person after two days of him literally verbally destroying me.  He doesn't take any medications but says he will this time go to the doctor and get on medication- will this help with the violent outbursts? Does anyone know? I can not stand the thought of loosing my first love but I can not be treated like this and my children do not deserve to see me treated like this. I don't want them to think that being hurt is normal or hurting people is normal.  My heart tells me he will get better but I'm so tired of doing this that I'm scared he wont.