A little over a year ago, I volunteered for my state's State Defenses Force (state military) and currently serve in a search and rescue capacity. My wife complains that my interest and therefore time and attention spent on the SDF snowballed into something she was completely unprepared for (par for the course for me, I guess). Things had gotten really bad between us, and I feel like drill weekends were a welcome escape for me, and a symbol to my wife of the attention I was unable to focus on her.
She convinced me to seek therapy, and at the same time, I requested a leave of absence from drills and training since it seemed the SDF had become a major barrier between us. When the therapist didn't immediately label me ADHD, but instead wanted to work with both of us on what I viewed as typical marriage counseling issues (us time vs. me time, communication), my wife quit coming to sessions. She's actually offended the therapist didn't agree with "her diagnosis". It was as if she was saying "I'm not broken, you are." So now I've got my wife pressuring me to find another therapist, and my therapist pressuring me to get my wife back into sessions. I didn't make an appointment for next time. Not really sure where to go from here.
In the mean time, with no outside activities, my wife says things between us have gotten somewhat better. She doesn't want me to go back to the SDF. I realize it's a big time commitment. There are emergency call-ups and last-minute schedule changes. My wife can't stand when a schedule changes, but people tend not to schedule getting lost in the mountains ahead of time. And I'll be away a couple of times a year for a few days at the time, another thing she can't stand. I tried to discuss what she thinks would be a reasonable amount of time for me to spend with the SDF at drils and training, but we just ended up fighting. She basically told me she didn't want to be married to a soldier. She would never be okay with me going out on an emergency call, whether we had plans or not.
I know I tend to over extend myself, but this just doesn't sound reasonable to me at all. Can any of you offer any advice on working toward a compromise?
Have you ever heard the phrase "Charity begins at home"?
Submitted by doublej on
Tricky situation. I can tell you a little bit of my experience (as the non-ADHD spouse) in hopes that it might explain your wife's point of view.
My ADHD husband is a nice guy. He always jumps to help his semi-disabled friend with chores (cleaning, mowing) and errands (grocery shopping, dr visits). My problem is that he doesn't (consistently) help me with these things. As his wife, I think my needs (and our kids) should be prioritized over his friend's needs. Sometimes, I feel like I am in competition with the friend. I get jealous that the friend has my husband at his beck-and-call. I wish I could garner that instantaneous attention. It's hard to be in second place--to anything or anyone. Does your wife feel like she's in second place to SDF?
My gut tells me that your wife's issue isn't really about the SDF, but time and attention in other aspects of your life. You could probably replace the SDF with another activity and still face the same problems.
I hope this helps!
PS: I think you two should get a therapist you both like (regardless of diagnoses).
Thanks for the support
Submitted by ReallyAmTrying on
Thanks for the support doublej,
I feel like my wife does get the feeling she's in second place. In fact, she tells me she feels like she's in LAST place, behind the SDF, work, everything. The SDF is just the latest in a series of hobbies I've given up because they came between us. She's the most important thing in my life. I just can't find the right way to SHOW her, since telling her with words just starts a fight.
Insecure or controlling or ?
Submitted by sunlight on
Points that jump out:
- "with no outside activities, [she] says things between us have gotten somewhat better"
- "can't stand when a schedule changes"
- "away a couple of times a year for a few days at the time, another thing she can't stand"
- "never be okay with me going out on an emergency call, whether we had plans or not"
- unhappy that therapist didn't diagnose ADHD, seems to need to be right on that point
You don't mention whether she has always been insecure (if that is what is behind this) or controlling (ditto, ie if that is what this is).
So - is this behavior a recent change, maybe in response to your lack of attention - or has she always felt that you shouldn't have outside interests (because of them spiralling into something bigger than you first intended or regardless of that)? I suppose what I am trying to get it is what is her understanding of marriage - should people develop their own interests or should everything be joint? How you would proceed hinges on this doesn't it?
If she is recently insecure, then that is one thing where she needs to be encouraged to compromise, versus she doesn't want you to have separate activities which means a pretty basic divergence of views (and perhaps a personality conflict since you seem to have had other interests and have now found an activity which you feel is a great fit for you).
It seems curious to me that she doesn't seem to want to accommodate your interest in the SDF. From a first glance it seems like an ideal activity for an ADHD person - outdoors and physical aspects, requires discipline, time-keeping and working with others, rewarding and providing a sense of achievement, doesn't take all of your time. Exactly the sort of thing to encourage. Provided, as you're aware, that you don't go overboard and head out every Friday night returning Sunday 11:59 pm with meetings every weeknight.
I think you should make an appointment with your current therapist, since it's important to be consistent (and later you might find if you don't keep going that she accuses you of failing to be consistent, even though she might be the cause), and perhaps look for another one in parallel. Does it have to be a therapist? Can you see a psychiatrist and see if they say you do/don't have ADHD?
(For context, I'm non-ADHD female married to ADHD male, and yes we do each have interests that we do pursue separately as well as joint activities)
Thanks sunlight,This isn't a
Submitted by ReallyAmTrying on
Thanks sunlight,
This isn't a recent change; it's how we've been from the beginning of our relationship. She certainly has a need to be in control, and I've always been too passive.
Until recently, I would have said that she felt everything should be done together. If she wanted to go do something I wasn't interested in, she just wouldn't do it unless I agreed. But within the last few months she's found a hobby and started going out with some friends from work. I get the feeling, it's just that I'm not supposed to develop my own interests. I know she would never say it that way, but that’s what it feels like. That was part of our disagreement that prompted my first post.
We fought again today, only to find out after 30 minutes of alternating arguing and awkward silence, that during this week that I thought went smoothly, she’s been upset that I “fired” (her wording, I just didn’t make another appointment) my therapist without making arrangements to take it to the next step. So that one absolutely did come back to bite me.
I totally see why she’s frustrated. It’s been a week, and I haven’t made an appointment with my GP for a referral to anyone else. But if she’d just said that with words, I feel like it would have been a whole lot more effective. This time I’ll request my doctor specifically refer me to a psychiatrist, if that’s what it takes. I was just following his recommendations last time.
Frankly, I’m worried. I don’t feel like there’s anything really wrong with me, but I do see these behaviors or symptoms or whatever you want to call it, and maybe that’s what’s driving us apart. She doesn't want to participate at all. After all, I’m the one who’s broken. But I’m only seeking treatment for the sake of our relationship, so I’m not the best judge of what’s wrong when I’m talking to doctors.
First things first
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi ReallyAmTrying,
The reason I suggested a psychiatrist is that they have the medical training and can also evaluate appropriate medications. So an evaluation done by a psychiatrist should carry more weight, with both of you. If ADHD is diagnosed, well then she gets her confirmation, and if it isn't - well that's a whole different game. So first things first. If you can possibly arrange it, try to find one who specializes in adult ADHD and not just childhood ADHD (there are still doctors out there who believe that all kids with ADHD grow out of it, you really want to avoid one of those if at all possible).
Have you looked through the questionnaires & lists of behaviors that are associated with ADHD, that are scattered all over the internet? If you can fill in one of those, or make your own list, before any psychiatrist appt then it might help you stay focussed and explain why you're there. There is a good one here:
http://www.drpaulschenk.com/forms/Amen_ADD_Questionnaire.pdf
That one is out of one of Daniel Amen's books (Healing ADD, you can find cheap used copies on Amazon, I think it's a good book). You could also give a copy of the questions to your wife and ask her to fill in her ratings for you on each of the criteria. Asking her input would also let her see that you're continuing to make efforts to progress even if you don't have the appt yet.
You mentioned: "She doesn't want to participate at all. After all, I’m the one who’s broken."
That's really not going to fly if you do have ADHD (or even if you don't). Let's imagine, simplisitically, that the psych says "Yes, definitely ADHD and here's a bunch of pills" - it's completely unrealistic to imagine that you should have to rely only on your own impressions of whether the meds work or need adjusting. But maybe there's no need to 'borrow trouble' at this point - that bridge can be crossed later if it turns out that you do have ADHD. One step at a time.