Can we compromise on a "reasonable" way to volunteer

A little over a year ago, I volunteered for my state's State Defenses Force (state military) and currently serve in a search and rescue capacity.  My wife complains that my interest and therefore time and attention spent on the SDF snowballed into something she was completely unprepared for (par for the course for me, I guess).  Things had gotten really bad between us, and I feel like drill weekends were a welcome escape for me, and a symbol to my wife of the attention I was unable to focus on her.

She convinced me to seek therapy, and at the same time, I requested a leave of absence from drills and training since it seemed the SDF had become a major barrier between us. When the therapist didn't immediately label me ADHD, but instead wanted to work with both of us on what I viewed as typical marriage counseling issues (us time vs. me time, communication), my wife quit coming to sessions.  She's actually offended the therapist didn't agree with "her diagnosis".  It was as if she was saying "I'm not broken, you are."  So now I've got my wife pressuring me to find another therapist, and my therapist pressuring me to get my wife back into sessions.  I didn't make an appointment for next time.  Not really sure where to go from here.

In the mean time, with no outside activities, my wife says things between us have gotten somewhat better.  She doesn't want me to go back to the SDF.  I realize it's a big time commitment.  There are emergency call-ups and last-minute schedule changes.  My wife can't stand when a schedule changes, but people tend not to schedule getting lost in the mountains ahead of time.  And I'll be away a couple of times a year for a few days at the time, another thing she can't stand.  I tried to discuss what she thinks would be a reasonable amount of time for me to spend with the SDF at drils and training, but we just ended up fighting.  She basically told me she didn't want to be married to a soldier. She would never be okay with me going out on an emergency call, whether we had plans or not.

I know I tend to over extend myself, but this just doesn't sound reasonable to me at all.  Can any of you offer any advice on working toward a compromise?