If your spouse does something really dumb because of his/her ADD, can we expect them to be responsible to repair the damage, or should we just "suck it up" like we do everything else?
Let me give you a specific example. My husband bought a new (to him) car because his new job required it. When he'd only had it 9 days, it broke down AND HE JUST LEFT IT ON THE STREET. It had a warrantee plan, so the seller was responsible for the towing and repair. He says he called and left a message on someone's voicemail, but he didn't know his phone number(!), so he couldn't leave a number for them to call back. They say he never called. Anyway, the car was towed by the city about 8 hours later. It happened I was due to pay my tuition the next day, and I had to use the tuition money to get the car out of the city impound. My name is on the car too, and he's required to have it for his job, and there was no other money to use. I was only able to take one class that semester instead of 4. This will knock me back a year on graduating.
I want him to pay my tuition to take enough classes to catch back up to where I should be next semester. He doesn't feel he should have to do that, because he'd probably have to work a second job. (I did that for almost 3 years while he wouldn't work, so I know it can be done.) He just says S...t happens. I am asking this in a calm, reasoned, non-accusatory way. I'm 55 years old and I am very much afraid if I'm nearly 60 when I look for a job in the field I'm now studying, I won't get one, so this is very important to me.
So, what I'm saying is, is the ADD person responsible for the damage they cause, or should the spouse bear all the losses when the ADD person makes an ADD mistake?
Responsible or not
Submitted by ginettec on
Boy, have I had these type of experiences and usually I was the one to fix them. The key is to stop fixing them. He needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions and unfortuately that means he will need to bear that burden. I've said this before and I'll say it again - start taking care of yourself. If he needs to take mass transit or car pool or ride a bike (you know what I mean) he needs to find a way to get there on his own. You should not be footing the bill for his bad decisions. He needs to feel that sting. You are not responsible and are not his mother. I know a lot about the "mother role". Maximize who you are. You can only change yourself, but by changing yourself you just might force a CHANGE in him. Either way you'll be okay because you've done the work on and for yourself. You can do it!
Submitted by Sueann on
Thanks for the reply. I agree with you in principle but my name was on that car as well. The city would have sold the car for a couple thousand bucks and the balance of the loan would have been on my credit as well as his. He would have lost his job. 90% of his job is driving (no company car) and losing the car would have meant losing his job. I really felt I had no choice, but now I want him to take the consequences by paying me back and it hurts like hell that he doesn't feel he should have to do it. When I try to discuss it with our therapist, she says we can't discuss it yet (it's too sensitive of an issue).
Should your ADHD Husband pay for the damages he has caused. . .
Submitted by vicreed (not verified) on
Submitted by Accountable (not verified) on