My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for almost 11. We had our son five years ago. We've always had issues in our relationship. However, those issues seemed to come to head when we had our son. I could no longer carry the burden of taking care of everything without consistant support. My husband and I entered counseling when our serious marital issues developed. Counseling helped in some aspects. However, in many aspects, I feel it made our situation worse. We went though two counselors that were completely worthless before finding a great counselor. However, by that time, our problems had peaked and we were hanging by a thread. Our counselor was helpful, yet I felt like she was trying to push us towards divorce. I took my marital vows very seriously and I did not feel I was ready for a divorce yet. We both stopped going to counseling and surprisingly, our marriage seemed to improve. I think no longer focusing on all of our problems helped. Our marriage issues have centered around my husband's issues with porn, alcohol, his lies, and his avoidance of conflict, and his inability to recognize my needs. My husband's addiction to porn has mostly ceased. He has had one mishap recently. He didn't tell me about it and I discovered it on his phone. He went away for work and that's when it happened. I became upset, because he once again tried to hide something from me instead of fessing up. Lies and deception has been the major hurdle I just cant seem to get past. My husband has always avoided conflict and not always told the complete truth. He has lied about so many issues in our past. He has been more truthful lately and has made a lot of positive changes. However, I can't seem to get past his history of lying and when he lies again, it's like I just start to shut down. Another issue is my husband's inability to put himself in my shoes. Every discussion or argument we have, it's always about his issues or feelings. I feel like I spend all of my time comforting him or dealing with his feelings. Yet, my feelings never get addressed. I don't feel like I can move past issues unless I feel he understands how I feel. When he constantly repeats the same mistakes or lies, I feel like he hasn't understood how I feel. Because if he did, he wouldn't have done it or he would be more sympathetic. I know he is remorseful, but he internalizes it and shames himself. I just want him to understand how I feel. Frankly, I don't care anymore how he feels. I feel I have spent so much time focusing on him and his needs. What about me? How I am suppose to forgive when I feel the person doesn't even respect or understand how I feel? I don't know if I can. This is an issue I not only have with him, but my family. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel I am angry and stressed all the time. I don't know if I am just over this marriage or not. We live like roommates. I'm just tired of feeling alone and lonely. I'm direct in what I want and expect from him. When talking with others, they seem to get what I need within five minutes. Its frustrating when I've had endless conversations about what I need from him. Yet, it never happens. How do you deal with the disappointment of feeling like your never heard? How do I make him understand how I feel? He just seems to shut down and want to argue when I'm talking about my feelings.
Can't forgive
Submitted by jade21 on 06/04/2015.
I go through the exact same
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I go through the exact same problems with my husband. He seems to have a complete lack of empathy and it has caused a great amount of hurt in our marriage. He has left me extremely ill and unable to take care of myself for extended periods of time among many other things. It truly feels cruel when he does this to me. I let him know how much he has hurt me, but his reaction to my hurt is very casual and uncaring. It comes across as "oh well" with a shoulder shrug. He doesn't actually do that, but he might as well. KWIM? It is impossible for me to heal when I know the same treatment is coming in the future because he doesn't have the ability to really care if he hurts me.
im sorry you're hurting. I know exactly how it feels. I wish I could offer some suggestions for you. However, this is an area that we have not been able to make progress. Maybe someone else has some suggestions for both of us.
I think this is a common theme..
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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Another issue is my husband's inability to put himself in my shoes. Every discussion or argument we have, it's always about his issues or feelings. I feel like I spend all of my time comforting him or dealing with his feelings. Yet, my feelings never get addressed.
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I think this is a common theme, particularly if there is another disorder involved, such as a personality disorder.
My feelings are rarely ever considered. The few times that my feelings are considered, they're given a very short consideration....then back to H who "hurts more".
When my mom had a major stroke and I had to fly to be by her side. I rarely left her side for the next 8 days while her body shut down and she passed. Then there was the planning of her funeral and the funeral. A few days later, I came home. I was gone about 16 days. When H picked me up at the airport, I got into the car and said, "that was the worst 2 weeks of my life." Before I could say another word, H said, "that was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I had to take care of the dogs by myself." Uh....I just watched MY MOTHER DIE!!! And I said that ...with emotion....H was taken aback because it was a rare time when he realized that my hurt "topped" his hurt....because he has always claimed that his hurt "is more". Well, no sane person can claim that feeding 2 dogs for 2 weeks is worse than watching your MOTHER DIE!
But in a nutshell, it showed how self-focused he was. Me me me. :"oh, your mom died? That's nothing! I had to feed a dachshund and a chihuahua for 2 weeks." I can laugh about it now, but at the time I sat in shock.
Has anyone ever asked your H, "What is it like being married to YOU?" My H's therapist asked him that, and I think it was the start of "some" self-awareness (prior to that, H was only "aware" of how awesome he is. (seriously! lol ) H's T was able to "break though" somewhat thru his thick head.
What would your H say if someone asked him that?
I don't know exactly why people with ADHD and other disorders have little/no empathy with those who are VERY CLOSE TO THEM. I notice that they can show some empathy towards those who aren't close to them.
OW You Said
Submitted by kellyj on
I think this is a common theme, particularly if there is another disorder involved, such as a personality disorder. I think it doesn't have to even be to that level as a disorder as I can see this in my wife and myself. For my wife.....I see this as a pattern of thinking but she isn't completely missing empathy either. She is pretty anxious and fearful which does make her rigid in this pattern but I also see that she cares about others. If you have a person with a true personality disorder....they simply lack the ability to care even if they want to or try. From my own experience.....this is how I see the difference for myself.
But if there really is this kind of malfunction going on like you're referring to and that person has ADHD....that's a double wammy! (ouch!) In your case....this does sound like it is the case. That's not just frustrating....it is hurtful and draining draining (and ultimately damaging unless you find a way for this not to be for you) I'm with you and know what this is all about too from my past:(
I don't know exactly why people with ADHD and other disorders have little/no empathy with those who are VERY CLOSE TO THEM. I notice that they can show some empathy towards those who aren't close to them. Speaking only for myself here ( the one with ADHD).....in part of what you said about showing it....and the part about what you said about having little/no empathy with those who are close to them. I don't lack the capacity for empathy or even would say have I little to no, even comparing myself to someone with a great ability to show it and extend this forward by their actions. Showing it versus having it.
My biggest problem is with switching gears and getting singularly focused and not focusing on more than myself at times when I need to be focused on the other person especially in the moment. I think this is a fair ADHD statement. When I switch gears and focus on my wife for example....I can have all the compassion and empathy in the world for her but it does get hijacked pretty quickly when I run into the lack of it on her part and can switch gears back at looking just at me. This might help explain why it looks so all or nothing at times because really.....that is exactly what it is.
But add a personality disorder to this and that is where you would have no idea (including them I think) where the line gets drawn between the two if there is ADHD and something else involved. I have my patterns in thinking too but not to a disorder. They are problematic at times especially under prolonged stress but most of the time they don't really come into play at all until something major comes along but I never lose completely lose my ability to be empathetic even in the moment unless it's only during a fight with my wife. That is the only time I completely lose site of my ability to stay objective and think about her (in the moment). That can happen in other ways (not just anger) when I have difficulty switching gears but again....that all in the relative moment not the kind of thing you are talking about.
Before I could say another word, H said, "that was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I had to take care of the dogs by myself." Uh....I just watched MY MOTHER DIE!!! And I said that ...with emotion....H was taken aback because it was a rare time when he realized that my hurt "topped" his hurt.
Wow. Sweet Jesus..... what can you say in these moment? Like....if I have to explain this to you, I'm going to be even more angry and hurt than I was just a few seconds ago. My ex wife who suffered the same as your H in this way.....after (me) returning home from being out of town for 2 weeks (unusual for us and necessary for a job training ) when I walked in the door, my ex continued to sit on the couch reading a magazine and watching a show on TV and barely acknowledged me and mostly ignored me. Later...I told her how badly that made me feel when she did that. Her answer was....."well, we hadn't been getting along before you left and I was right at the end of a movie I was watching." Really? Thinking to myself.......I didn't remember "us" not getting along at all in fact.... "we" were getting along just fine before I left....no problems?? But she wasn't all that happy about having to take care some things while I was away...she did mention this once but agreed to do it because she understood the reason why I was going out of town.
I guess she changed her mind while I was gone and didn't tell me that we had not been getting along before I returned and I just didn't realize this in the moment? That does kind of make sense in a Science Fiction kind of... time machine, space travel, time continuum kind of way????
"Could have fooled me.....it just felt like you didn't care?" lol
J
PS....this is where in the past, I learned to be a smart ass. Thinking...that last line I just made would have probably been what I said to my ex wife.....this is when you get the blank look on their face with no response.....seemingly non-fluxed with no real affect in her reaction one way or the other. This situation also had come from years of these situations and out of my own frustration and hurt from them. ( in my past and with her) I'm really good at this but it also has not served me well in many situations now with my wife. She (my wife) reacts and gets upset but cannot explain her reactions or why she is upset either she calms down but usually only with an apology for reacting. I believe her and I believe this is not the same thing as my ex. With my wife it's about the power struggle she has internally (and has had in her own past) Me too. Everything has it's place I guess;)
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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Wow. Sweet Jesus..... what can you say in these moment? Like....if I have to explain this to you, I'm going to be even more angry and hurt than I was just a few seconds ago. My ex wife who suffered the same as your H in this way.....after (me) returning home from being out of town for 2 weeks (unusual for us and necessary for a job training ) when I walked in the door, my ex continued to sit on the couch reading a magazine and watching a show on TV and barely acknowledged me and mostly ignored me. Later...I told her how badly that made me feel when she did that. Her answer was....."well, we hadn't been getting along before you left and I was right at the end of a movie I was watching." Really? Thinking to myself.......I didn't remember "us" not getting along at all in fact.... "we" were getting along just fine before I left....no problems?? But she wasn't all that happy about having to take care some things while I was away...she did mention this once but agreed to do it because she understood the reason why I was going out of town.
I guess she changed her mind while I was gone and didn't tell me that we had not been getting along before I returned and I just didn't realize this in the moment? That does kind of make sense in a Science Fiction kind of... time machine, space travel, time continuum kind of way????
>>>
Very likely, you and your ex were getting along FINE before you had to leave for your trip, but while you were gone, she became more and more annoyed.
People with ADHD often struggle with the "now and not-now" issue. When you came home, your then-wife was annoyed/angry. That is the "now". She's not able to honestly process when exactly she first became mad...likely because not only would that involve admitting that she had become angry "because" you were gone, but because she's not able to exactly determine WHEN she first became annoyed. The "not now" is hard to remember. Right then she was angry, and she believed (or wanted to believe) that she had been angry for a very long time.
My H used to do the same thing. If he got upset about something, He'd say, "You've been a bitch all week." Huh?
He got sooooo used to saying that that he accidentally said that after I came home from a 3 week trip. lol Uh...I've been away....therefore I couldn't have been a bitch. oops!
You're Insight is Excellent OW
Submitted by kellyj on
People with ADHD often struggle with the "now and not-now" issue. When you came home, your then-wife was annoyed/angry. That is the "now". She's not able to honestly process when exactly she first became mad...likely because not only would that involve admitting that she had become angry "because" you were gone, but because she's not able to exactly determine WHEN she first became annoyed. The "not now" is hard to remember. Right then she was angry, and she believed (or wanted to believe) that she had been angry for a very long time.
The "now and not now" issue has definitely been a problem for me in connecting past events to a persons's moods or how they respond to me unless they can tell me up front in the moment....."what is wrong?"
I can make a good comparison to my mild hearing loss. My hearing has always been just barely sub-par than average so it really hasn't cause any significant problems for me......so I thought. Without realizing this until much later in life as an adult. I was missing so much of what people said because when I was very young......I noticed after a while, when I would keep saying "what?" "what was that?" "pardon?" "I didn't catch that?"...people would get annoyed and sometimes just quit talking because it was too frustrating or annoying for them to have a conversation with me. Saying at very young age.....I stopped saying those things and just got what ever I could in context to the things they would say .....and either pretend to understand them (nodding and smiling) even if I didn't hear one important word in what they were saying or repeat back what they would say until they would correct me where I hadn't caught the point if I missed parts of what they were saying. I got so good at doing this that I managed to get by. I learned to read body language and facial expressions (non verbal) more than listening to their words.
But for much of my life many times.....I would walk away and not fully understand or know the full content of many conversations especially ones where context in time were involved. On one hand....my listening skills and ability became sharpened....on the other hand....I learned that asking other people to repeat themselves for my benefit would make them stop talking or become annoyed. The end result for me many times was to just have to "wing it" and hope I could figure things out in time on my own even when I did not get the entirety of things that were happening in the moment or what people were saying to me. In less words....I was behind in the moment of what was actually happening in the now.
I do suspect now that there is an ADHD component to this and not entirely my hearing loss. There was a point when I remembered as an adult.... not wanting to miss as much and really dedicated myself to listening better and not being afraid to pardoning my self to get people to repeat things on occasion but noting their frustration level if this became too much. I also position myself when listening to maximize my hearing and stand more closely, lean in or do whatever I have to to hear someone and tell people straight up I have difficulty and not let the conversation continue unless I can hear everything people say to me. And if necessary....I now just ask them to speak up (raise the volume of their voice). When I was younger....I would have never dreamed of telling someone ( especially older)...to speak up so I can hear you.
What I discovered back then....that I had been missing a lot more than just words or their basic understanding. What I was really missing was the full understanding of people themselves. So much was missing that I never realized before I focused on listening and making sure I didn't miss anything anymore where before....I had just learned to wing it and get by and feel cut off or isolated from other people at times from being afraid to speak up and say "I didn't hear everything you just said and it's important that I do so I understand you better." Even if this had occurred to me....I would never have dared to assert myself like that out of fear of rejection from saying it in the first place.
I can say this effect makes me appear slow or behind at times because in reality in a real way in these moments....I am. Saying you are slow (or a little behind) immediately takes on a negative connotation or meaning that a person is not very smart of dim witted. I know I'm neither in that respect so I don't mind saying that I can be behind in processing information and making connections in the moment. There are times where I am also just the opposite....extremely quick and sharp in the moment too ( especially when I'm a smart ass).....but those are also different than really focusing on the things that people say to get a deeper understanding of the person themselves not just what they are saying.
What I just explained is the very real reason that it is so important for you or anyone else to get our full attention if you want us to connect with you. What that means is that we are not looking at, doing, driving, watching, touching, listening....to anything else but you if it's important to you that you want us to understand everything clearly that you are saying to us. If anything else like I mentioned is occurring at the same time when you are speaking to us......I guarantee only part of what you are saying is truly getting through. Guaranteed without question. I'm still not always aware of this myself and still miss things at times but I am really paying attention to this as much as physically possible. My wife for example.....has a habit of talking to me from the other room which for most people I think, would not be aa much of a problem. I find that if someone has their back to me and is speaking from across the room.....my understanding, connection, and memory of anything that is said can be greatly diminished and I have to work even harder to understand what they are saying even if I can hear every word. She does this without thinking but I have to stop her and tell her to wait until she is back in the room which is just my way of reminding her about this since we've talked about it and she knows she does this too without noticing it in the moment.
J
The Now and Not Now will rear its ugly head early and often.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
As I mentioned already, when my H gets upset with me over something minor, he will try to "shore up" his reason to be angry by saying, "You've been a bitch all week," or "You have been a very poor listener all week. I've had to repeat myself over and over again for days."
Of course this is BS, but when H has an intense feeling, not only does he not know what had really caused it, he doesn't know when it truly started. He doesn't want to think that ONE minor thing can set him off, because that would make him sound too crazy.
But, the proof is in the pudding. H can make these crazy, "you've been a bitch all week" comments, and then the next day he'll be in a good mood and he'll say something like, "it's been great these past couple of weeks. We've been getting along great. You've really been trying to get along with me better." lol huh???
Because at that moment, he's in a good mood. So, for all he knows, he's been in a good mood all month....because that is the "now."
Externalized vs Internalized I Think OW
Submitted by kellyj on
I was always told things were always my fault and I believed it so I internalized everything even at times when they weren't. That's one way it can go. The other way sound like your H (or my father for example). Nothing is their fault ever so they blame everyone else......hence, it was always my fault! lol I'm laughing because it's so ridiculous. You really need to be there for your kids (as my mother was for me). She really did make the difference for me in keeping me sane and my self esteem intact. She of course was just as much to blame as I was since she was responsible for me. Shit does rolls down hill ...... and if you're the one at the top of the pile.....I guess your's doesn't stink! lol I wouldn't know.....I personally chose a different venue.ha ha It's just too much work to keep "shoring up" and denying that your aren't perfect especially since that person has never existed. Sorry...you just can't get there from here :)
I think the true test of character is not how nice or good a person you are when everything is going right......it's how nice and good you can be when everything goes wrong and staying that way even when it does. If nothing is ever your fault....then nothing can ever be wrong and you will never pass that test:)
J
Compassion and Understanding .....
Submitted by kellyj on
is needed before you can just forgive. I think these are the two stepping stones on the way to forgiving someone who has done something that they cannot see that has hurt you in some way......let alone saying they are sorry for it or believing that they won't do it again or will keep doing it in the future. I can't see any other means to go from anger and hurt on your end to forgiving someone for hurting you. It's not reasonable to think that anyone can just jump from A to Z without something in between like compassion and understanding to get you there. It's why these things need to happen first before you can truly forgive someone. Saying you're sorry or feeling you are sorry is just a courtesy in the moment for the other person (or yourself)......it's not showing or saying that your really forgive them (or you) which is more permanent and lasting.
J
Exactly, J!
Submitted by Kansasry on
Exactly, J!
My H has only said I’m sorry, I dropped the ball, I get it. But when I ask him just what he gets, he has no idea! AND he gets angry if I explain what he was and is doing. He snaps back that he said he was sorry, he can only say it so much. I try and explain that sorry won’t cut it when he keeps doing it again. He needs to understand what he does and what it does to me. He need to talk to me about what I’m living thru and what I want, not blab to his friends that I’m crazy and then come back and tell me what we (me) needs to do to fix it.
Ugh, I’m so tired being married to all his friends, coworkers and family. I don’t recall ever taking a vow to have my life decided by a bunch of idiots. But he will only listen to them, never me. He has no idea what I’m so upset about. He’s still too focused on being “perfect”.
I still haven’t forgiven one thing he has done and I won’t until he understands and acknowledges what he did and ask me, not everyone else, what I need from him to fix it and build my trust again.
Yep Being Held Accountable...
Submitted by kellyj on
is the moment of truth in these situations. If you don't know why or can't account for it.....all you can do is say you are sorry. That's not what you want and it doesn't get anyone any further to getting to the bottom of it. I'm the same way (now) even if I wasn't that way in my past. I don't want to hear I'm sorry as much as "I'm sorry I did that and know how that makes you feel. I'll try harder not to that again because I do understand and I don't want to do that because I wouldn't like it either. I do understand." That's the complete version of just "I'm sorry.".....it's also why if they can't give you this kind of understanding why you need to do it for yourself to be forgiving. Nature abhors a vacuum! lol
J
"I'm sorry I did that and
Submitted by Kansasry on
"I'm sorry I did that and know how that makes you feel. I'll try harder not to that again because I do understand and I don't want to do that because I wouldn't like it either. I do understand."/ Yeah, but how do you ever get the other person to do that?
When i try or the consoler tires, he deflects. He won't even go into details or admission of any wrong doing. He flat out refuses to admit or discuses any detail or action I state he has done or the pain he has caused. He just keeps turning the table and deflects. He has a way of responding that essentially denies he has done it. No admission means he has nothing to own and nothing to fix. But he will want to focus on my reaction, while presenting my reaction in a way that just came out of the blue, for no reason at all. And that's when he slaps the label on me, "I'm crazy, I have deeper issues than him, I can never be made happy".
I've spent 2 years attempting to get him to say that. Still waiting...
I Didn't Have a Chance to Read..
Submitted by kellyj on
anything else you've said about your H to know....has he gone to counseling or therapy? Will he admit he has ADHD at the very least? The.."I'm crazy" is one I am really familiar with from my ex-boss and his family. Everybody is "crazy" in their eyes and of course....they're not. It was such a ridiculous scenario each time it happened. Ten "crazy" employees who all saw the exact same thing without any reservation or disagreement with what they saw. It felt working inside a cartoon drama or the Four Stooges! lol
Getting someone to see this depends on many things I think. I wish I had the answer for you only to say that it's denial. Everything he does in those moments is just denial of something he knows is there but can't explain and doesn't want to look at. I am trying really hard to show my wife and just leaving it there and not saying anything. (not telling her anything anymore) She is responding to this rather quickly but I did need to say it first before she could do this. That was the battle we were in. Too the point of when I finally forced the issue and pinned her down just to say what she was doing was hurting me (emotionally). In these moments she would accuse me of "damaging her". Like, "yeah...what ever."(I didn't say that bye the way;) but I did have to look past that part and just understand that to mean it was painful for her to look at her part or the situation even if that is all she could see at the time....how "damaging" it was for her to look at anything she was doing that could be perceived as wrong doing on her part even though all I was doing...literally, was simply saying straight up..."look....you do X. and it hurts my feelings and I don't like it." No fighting or arguing on my part....just saying it straight up. She would react and get upset and accuse me of many things after hearing this but none of it was true....including "damaging" her and our relationship. It's victim language that's all. I've been there too up until I could explain the reasons why I did what I did to someone else aside from "I'm sorry."
If anything, you can take this to mean the same thing and not get upset of try not to be hurt by it.....not saying it isn't hurtful but trying to be understanding in those moments and read what your H is doing so it won't have the same effect on you as it has done up until this point. Only you can decide how long this can continue but I myself was not able to put up with this situation that my wife and I were in any longer so I needed to push the issue and make her listen to what she didn't want to hear even if she said it was "damaging." If someone tells you something about yourself that is true for your own best interest and you know it....how can that be damaging?
In my case(at the point of finding out) ADHD pretty much explained most of my behavior and the rest was a matter of getting therapy to work my way through....saying, still some work to do but I was more than willing to find out. For me, getting diagnosed was more of a relief than anything else. I did it voluntarily on my own and no one needed to twist my arm but that only happened after I was willing to look at it which initially took some time to trust my therapist first. That's my story so I can't be much help in doing that for another person outside of what I already said.....show him don't tell him. If he doesn't respond to that I can't be of much help but I think it is the first step before anything else can happen after that. That's the best answer I have for you. I hope this helps?
J
Yes, after 2 separations and
Submitted by Kansasry on
Yes, after 2 separations and his request for a divorce, he finally agreed to “really” try and work on the marriage with me and go to counseling. This, after saying the same thing 2 times before but not going.
Well, we went 10 times. He was drunk to all but 1. He wouldn’t address the issues and when I did, he started to show is true colors to our counselor. She would point out his cause and effect and make suggestions for him. She made suggestions on way we could grow our trust and intimacy, which I felt we needed as much as ADHD coaching. At the end of every session he was state it wasn’t working out and only one time could he give a good reason, though it was pretty laughable. The counselor was attracted to him and that wasn’t fair to me. She was going to be biased. *sigh*
Anyway, that BS didn’t work and I tried what she suggested and he did: nothing. Just kept being the same person doing the same things. It was all for me to work on. Besides, from what he told and tells everyone, we were there because I’m crazy. He’s just the poor husband trying to stay committed to his vows. He is after all, perfect. We were there so I could get the help I needed. **double sigh**
I’ve tried every verbal approach I could. Sometime, when he would be complaining about my insanity to a friend, they would see the holes and point out he was messing up. This is after months of me being direct, suggesting and helpful. Then he will come home with a “sorry, I dropped the ball. He’s big picture, I’m detailed, he just needs to remember that.” I have no idea what that means! But then he will do it again. And were right back at it.
I cry, I tell him I need a walk alone after he pulls his stuff. I tell him Im worried we wont make it if he wont try and see or listen…goes no where.
Again, we split just over a month ago. I was actually happy to get a divorce this time. But, again he begged to work on it. Said he would get his own help and we could find a new marriage counselor. He was home one week and he told me he doesn’t need one and he wasn’t going.
So I’m on my own.
I don’t really know how to show him what he is doing. If he cant figure it out from our fights, my tears and the separations then good lord, what will it take?
Fuck Him Give Me the Wrench..
Submitted by kellyj on
If a picture tells a thousand words then this clip of the movie "Goodwill Hunting" will give you an idea of one way these things can go. For me, I am Mathew Damon in the movie. I even look at little like him (in my past...about the same size and definitely the same personality in the movie). If your H is anything like me, then this might help you understand him better. My experience growing up might not have been as severe....but in the same situation...I would have said and done the exact same thing when I was growing up because in my own way...I did the same thing for the same reason. It is how I saved myself by saying.....I deserve better and you can't take that away from me. I'm a long ways past this now but it still exists in me and I have to watch to be careful it is not still the thing that interferes with getting what I want and being the person I want to be from here on out. I think everyone is different so I can't speak for anyone else here, but if you can see this through the characters eyes....this is such a great scene in showing this for me. "Fuck it...give me the wrench." That's me all over the place.
link...https://youtu.be/N4BC4JGXwlE
Reminds me of an incident.....
Submitted by c ur self on
That sorry word gets thrown around a lot....My step-son (he was 23 at the time) and I was moving a bed (my wife's)....She was micro managing us pretty bad. And, I think I was doing my best to bite my tongue. Something was said maybe by him don't remember exactly, but I probably will never forget what he said....She spit out a patented "Sorry" toward him, and he just turned his head away from her and said: Are you going to change??....She didn't reply;)...
Our counselor taught us how to apologize and ask for forgiveness...I've used it a few times over the past year and half....At least she know's how if she ever feels she's done anything to apologize for. LOL....
Not Advisable But Effective
Submitted by kellyj on
C .....I wish I could have been there. Maybe not?? lol There are ways to deal with someone who is being pushy or bullying and unfortunately, it is an acquired skill. The thing I said about being like the character in Goodwill Hunting is so true about me. I learned the hard way and not always the best but, sometimes you can say things in a way that sends a pretty clear message without saying much at all. If you can use humor in these moments it can really be poignant and carry a lot of weight. I'm trying really hard to not be the same smart ass I learned to be in the past with my wife. It's passive aggressive but it still gives you the power and voice with someone who is trying to take your's from you and control you by putting you down, dismissing you and disrespecting you for their own gain (lack of power) Im still looking for the balance and doing it better. I saw this clip in the same movie the other day and I thought to myself....this is so much me:)
For good or bad, better or worse....I have to admit it....I'm a smart ass and so much like this character in so many ways. This character is who I am but I am finding better ways that are not so confrontational when I am confronted myself. I'm not a controlling person and don't have the need to control anyone but I definitely get triggered into this role when I feel like someone else taking advantage of others (or me) who is like this.
Another great clip that shows one way to get some ones attention who has disrespected or crossed yours or another persons (like your step son) boundaries....the not advisable way yet possibly....could be done with a little more tack and still be just as effective?? Not for the need to get back or retaliate but to say what you are doing is not acceptable without a fight. I'm still working on the fine points myself:)
Bottom line....humor can be a very effective tool if done well. I think the trick (unlike this clip) is to use it in a way that everyone can laugh and it still be funny without making someone the butt of the joke at the same time.
https://youtu.be/gcZPWkNY6x8
J
J...I've told you we're just a like in many ways....
Submitted by c ur self on
I made my living stepping over people to get the job done...My former boss told me once about the confidence he had in me....He said, Your a bulldog, i know if I assign it to you, it will get done....
When I was dating my wife, she worked up the hall from our dept..and knew several of the guys in the shop...This particular guy had been trying to date her, (I didn't know it until after we were dating) she liked him as a friend, I did also, he worked for me and he was a good guy, a little slow, but would do good work and had a friendly disposition...She told me this after we had been married a while... One day she asked him what he thought about me. She said he told her that I would just step in and take over a job, if I felt it wasn't getting done right or fast enough....This is definitely and exaggeration, but, in hind site. I'm sure I could be intimidating because of my pace and demeanor....
Anyway, I was ready for the bed thing, I know her, and more than that, I know me;)...and I knew, she wouldn't hush until the job was complete....I was so proud of myself for getting through that without a fight....To me, it's a victory when patients rules out over my pride...LOL.....
Self Depricating Humor C
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm using this now to my advantage....if I can't say something at times, I will just smolder. At least if I make fun of myself, I can't get into too much trouble! lol
Keeping your mouth shut works too:)
J
Keeping my mouth shut does work;)
Submitted by c ur self on
I always realize it right after I don't....
LOL
Submitted by kellyj on
ditto