I found this site when I googled "irresponsible husband." I'm so angry and full of frustration over my husband's behavior. I've long suspected he has ADHD, but he will not see any type of doctor, so there is no way to know. It has been so helpful for me to read many of your posts and to feel I am not alone.
I don't know how to live anymore with a person who sleeps until noon, complains incessantly about his work-from-home job, refuses to do anything but the bare minimum for his job, and is constantly on the verge of being fired as a result. This has been going on for at least five years (we've only been married for seven). For the past five years, he has continued to go through these "cycles" where he is increasingly irresponsible at his job; reaches a low point of nearly being fired; then increases his effort slightly. He talks endlessly about how much he hates this job and wants to start his own business. However, he can't seem to focus long enough on anything to generate ideas for a business. Any ideas he comes up with, he wants me to complete crucial steps to explore them. For example, he wants to start a website to make money but he insists I research how to do this because he just can't. Meanwhile, his spending on unnecessary and expensive items is completely out of control. His irresponsibility puts us in financial danger. We are living in a very expensive home that he basically bullied me into purchasing, telling me I was being ridiculous for being apprehensive about the price. He has also taken money that I inherited and insisted we use it for things he wanted to purchase.
I have urged him recently to make a plan for a new job or a business so that when this current job ends, he will have something to do. He becomes angry and accuses me of "riding" him or "nagging" him, when I am only trying to help. He is going to let things come to a crisis, lose his job, and will have no backup. He talks vaguely of how we could live on my salary. I work extremely hard at my job, have a long commute, and resent coming home to him telling me he didn't do anything all day and the house is a mess. Recently he told me he hates his career, but he also doesn't feel he has the discipline to run a business. I don't know what the alternative would be for him.
I feel I am living with a child, constantly picking up after his mess. You can't even walk in our garage-- it looks like a bomb went off-- because he just throws things everywhere.
He is quick to anger and it is difficult for me to have any kind of sensitive conversation with him, no matter how carefully I word whatever I need to say, because he takes everything as criticism. He frequently gets into road rage, blames many other people for his problems, and has no true friendships or family relationships. He has alienated countless people over the years with his anger.
I don't know if this is ADHD. He seems unfocused and full of anger all the time. The worst is his refusal to admit or accept that any changes in his behavior might be necessary. He refuses to see a doctor or dentist for anything, so seeing a mental health professional is out of the question. The only good news is that I have not had children with him, because I've been afraid of what kind of dad he would be.
Wow-- I sound like a resentful, angry person myself in this post. I'm scared of what this relationship is doing to my own mental health. I don't know how to deal with this or what to do. Thanks for listening.