I am new to the group and this is my first time writing. My husband and I have been married for 1 year. While we were dating he was totally a different person than today. He used to loved me a lot, spent time with me, used to travel with me but things started changing after we got married. He doesn't spend time with me or doesn't like to do things with me such as watching tv or traveling. I started noticing his pattern he will be super happy for two days and will be in his bed all day for rest of the week. During this time he wouldn't work or talk to me. He also mentioned that he can't focus on work if he talks with me or spend time with me. By talking to me he looses interest in his work and it doesn't motivate him to get his work done. And when he is in work mood he will work 24/7, doesn't even eat or sleep. He will do that for 2-3 days and rest of the week he will be in bed and on his phone. This is really painful for me and I feel very lonely at times. When I communicated with him about my feelings he started getting angry and tell me that he will quit his job and only spend time with me all day. Because he can't fo both at the same time. Every now and then we used to fight because I wanted more time from him.
Recently, I have been reading a lot about ADHD and read the book 'The ADHD effect on marriage'. I realized may be he has ADHD and talked to our family doctor. She told us that she will refer us to ADHD specialist but because of pandemic and only few clinics in our area we have been waiting for months and haven't got nay appointment yet. In the mean time, my husband situation is getting worse and worse. He doesn't contribute to any household chores, doesn't go outside, doesn't spend time with me. He only reads his book and sometime work on his computer. He feels very irritated if his routine breaks.
Recently I took him outside for 3 hours and his routine broke. It's been a week but he is still not over with that yet. He can't focus on his work as his routine break and he was supposed to do that task on the day we went outside. He is been blaming me and I have said sorry many times and I didn't know that situation will be this worse when I took him outside. He is always threating me that he will kill himself and I will be responsible for this as his routine broke because of me. Two days ago, I found knife under his pillow and he said he doesn't wanna live anymore and he told his parents If he dies I will be responsible for this action. I tried to calm him down at this situation but its been few days he is still not calm, still blaming me for his situation. He won't go to emergency, behaving very bad with me, insulting me infront of his parents over the phone. His parents think I am the criminal here. I am trying to help him but he won't talk to me.
I don't know what to do in this situation. I feel very helpless. Please help me if you have any idea that might help him.
The ADHD is secondary
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is so far beyond ADHD. This person may be a danger to himself or to you or both. A weapon? GET OUT. It's not worth risking - get OUT safely and then call 911 and DON'T go back. At minimum, he is displaying behavior that indicates mental illness. Your expectations of a spouse are not out of line with reality and he is unable to be a safe and decent spouse. It could also be that he is merely manipulating you and knows exactly what he's doing... using the threat of suicide to keep you in line (look it up) and using his parents to triangulate you (look it up). No matter what, real or manipulation, this is NOT a good or safe situation or marriage for you.
None of this is YOUR fault. You absolutely must save yourself right now. Whatever he does or doesn't do after you leave is up to him. Get out and get safe and definitely call the authorities/a local professional organization in your area that deals with this so they can deal with him and help YOU stay safe as well.
ADHD that may or may not be present does not factor in to a situation like this.
You're being manipulated
Submitted by Dagmar on
Your spouse is using this behavior to manipulate you. Don't let him. You need to call 911, tell them that he has been threatening to harm himself and has a weapon and have him committed. If you don't want to go to extremes, you can probably just roll up to your local emergency room with him and they will get him help.
I have a husband and sister with ADHD and am starting to wonder if my mom has it as well. But she's also bipolar 1, and I've had to do the whole involuntary commitment thing before. It sucks, but no medical professional will help you when he's this far in. You need to get him to a hospital.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
It won't get better. One year lost, while sad, is far better than 30 years lost.
Seek Additional Help ASAP
Submitted by Stephanie223 on
It seems like you're on the right track because there is something definitely going on with his mental health. I know you said "I'm sorry" for taking him outside, but you are not responsible for his inability to handle change. You are not responsible for any of his emotions. He needs a psychological evaluation at an inpatient facility, especially since he is actively suicidal. You may be able to have him involuntarily committed. Check with your local community service board or emergency services and explain the situation.
Run, do not walk. Read a
Submitted by SJC2021 on
Run, do not walk. Read a bunch of the people on here. It is an endless cycle of sadness and lonliness that can never be broken.