I love animals and always have. Since I don't have children....I spend more time observing them more than most people I think. I don't see animals as a replacement for children, but I really think they are a gift to have around me because of what I learn from them. They are always present, aware of their surroundings and even prescient if you understand this about them. I own two cats and two dogs currently which is such a great mix at times and can be very entertaining to watch. I've also come to learn a great deal in the way they communicate with each other especially the differences in the two species in the way the miscommunications between the two. This has been really telling for me since I know both of their languages which are primarily...non verbal even though I know the sounds that they make and what those sounds mean to them. Intuitively speaking is where all the trouble begins.....and I mean this literally!
It occurred to me the other day that many of the miscommunications between my wife and I could be seen the same way, both gender and ADHD. I thought it might be useful to share some of these correlations here because I think there is really something to learn from this. I've mentioned before that I swear I was a dog in a previous life since other people have nicked named me "Dog Whisperer" as a joke because dogs do respond to me seemingly....more than most. I thought about this because for me....dogs are simple to understand. Cats on the other hand are more mysterious to me since their behavior itself is curious more than predictable? I thought about this one too.....I'm very curious myself and it's one of my strongest (and at times weakest) qualities. Cat's see something that interests them and they go from place to place with no particular pattern and are more random in their behavior. A just kind of prowl around and see what new and don't like to be couped up too long. Always exploring, always looking for whatever. It does appear this way as I watch my Cats thinking..... this sound like me! The Chuck Berry song.... "No Particular Place to Go" is playing in my ears right now." Life is an adventure!
Dogs on the other hand are pretty darn predictable and easy to read. They are not so random and you can pretty much tell what they are thinking at all times......"Food, Peeing, Food, Sleeping. Food, Pooping, Food, Playing, Food, Affection, Food, Head Out Car Window, Food, Eating Grass, Food, Throwing up Grass, and more Food.....in that order. That pretty much covers it. If you can understand this, you can understand how dogs think. I can see a lot of myself in Dogs behavior too (aside from eating grass and throwing it back up... *water goes along with food of course:)
But here's the point to this. The non verbal communication between dogs and cats are extreme opposites to one another.....
If dogs ears are back....they are submitting too you either for affection or capitulation in a fight. When cats ears are back.....trouble is about to happen and a fight is immanent out of fear or retaliation. A miscommunication between the two.
When dogs gets down on their front fore arms.....they initiating play. When a cat does this, they are either hunting, stalking or about to fight. A clear miscommunication!
Staring directly into a dogs eyes while walking towards them is a challenge and put them into a defensive posture with their ears up and ready for attack. Cats on the other hand have their ears up and walk directly up to you and stare straight at you if they are just curious? An even worse miscommunication!
Dogs sniff butts to tell what gender another dog is when they first meet. Cats are just not down with butt sniffing period!....this is a guaranteed fight reaction and offense for a Cat!
Dogs love Kitty- Rocca (cat litter encrusted cat poop). Cats .....(only with there young) would ever eat poop and certainly not Dog poop!
Cats are stingy and bury their poop and leave no trace so no one can find it. Dogs are much more generous with their poop and leave it in your next door neighbors yard as a gift as much as possible.
Interestingly.....when either one sees something running away it means....time to chase after it? This indicates intuitively that it is possibly something to eat? (food) This seems to be the only thing that they both respond to in the same way.
and back to the point of doing this here? Because men and women neglect to interpret cues in the opposite sex that are different than themselves usually as a negative the same as dogs and cats. I think this is primitive thinking.....actually, primitive non-thinking or more just reacting intuitively instead of learning to understand what these difference mean?
The same goes with ADHD symptoms. If you can't or won't learn to interpret the actual meaning of the symptoms and their behaviors and take offense or personalize these differences as a negative to you. These difference will always be viewed as something to "Tolerate" instead of just "Accepting" them for what they are. The same as dogs and cats. It's not difficult to see these difference and even understand them if you are a third party watching them....but if it's you directly involved in the behavior itself which causes you to flinch or react.....it will always have to be tolerated as a means to be around it.
Another way to word this would be.....things that you have to tolerate are things that you do not like.
Intuitively speaking for myself.....I can read when people are tolerating me even if they don't say it by their non verbal communication....even when I'm not cognizant of this in the fore front of my thinking. I can feel it non the less. I have pretty highly tuned senses and feel people energy believe this or not. It comes through like a bull horn announcing......"I DON"T LIKE YOU!" Even if the person I am with clearly does for the most part. At the same time.....I can't stop the feeling but in this case....it is happening in the moment.
I have no delay in processing in my senses to the point of being almost prescient at times......getting a bad feeling that senses negatively almost before it happens. An ominous sense of forbidding is the only way to describe it? Maybe that's why I can read animals so well since.....I definitely can feel there energy that goes along with reading their physical reactions.
I'd say I do this without thinking.....but have to make sure I look at peoples faces to read their facial expression which I don't do all the time when I speak to people. Many times, I avert my gaze from people's faces because it distracts me and makes it more difficult to process what they are saying which takes more effort the more information ( visual ones ) I have to process.
More than anything .... I sense more than look for visual cues but, I have learned to focus on people eyes and faces more so I can pick up these cues which are easy for me to read if I make the effort just to do it. This is one difference that I see in the way I connect with people than others I have experienced....more by their energy and less by other non verbal cues. I have also begun to really notice how much my wife's energy is really at the source for many of our misunderstandings. Because she tends to personalize everything first it seems.....all I feel is the energy she is emitting and it's very difficult to focus on the words she is saying.
At times, it's like being hosed from a high pressure fire hydrant blasting into my face with a stream of negative energy. Where I will talk about my feelings and share with her of my experience and what caused the feelings ( relating the details and facts with her) She wants to give her's to me! I don't want hers or anyone else feelings (I have my own thank you) but I want to hear about them and talk about them with her? I have my feelings and she has hers. Two separate people each with their own. On top of this.....I don't want to give my feelings to anyone else either. They're mine and belong to me. I use them to navigate my emotions and can't do without them? If she is upset, I want to hear about it and I can connect with that and be empathetic, sympathetic...whatever, as needed. I do not want to share her bad mojo . If I'm feeling good, the last thing I want is to feel bad and take on someone else bad feelings which feels like being used as a toilet......used is the perfect word. If that makes her feel good when she does this, it is at my expense. She feels good afterwards.....I feel bad. Thanks a lot! If I were ready to do something that she wants before she approaches me by being hosed in the face with sticky negative ju ju......I'm unlikely to want to do that after this happens. More likely.......to go take a shower instead! The more voo doo that gets on me....the more I want to get it off and for her to stop hosing me down. Eventually I start to drown in the stuff and suffocate....this is closer to reality in feeling than just a metaphor. Panic sets in and with that..... the feeling of impending doom switches to my survival response anger as if being attacked and killed. My response and anger at this point is the same as if I was being attacked by an assailment with a rope around my neck who is trying to strangle me. At this point.....you will do anything and everything you can to stay alive just like anyone else would in this situation. What I'm saying is real....this is not a description of what it feels like but describing the actual experience when this happens to me. It is the same panic experience as if you are actually drowning and dying. No joke! That's how bad it can get in the worst moments of this experience. And you wonder why we are avoidant? Wouldn't you be? Who wants to risk that again! At the end of this exchange....she just gave me her emotions which only caused this effect in me.....and I just gave them back to her in the form in which I received them. If this is sharing....it's not a pleasant exchange! These are the moments when I turn and walk away to prevent the kind of anger that I came to this forum to try and figure out. As you can see......mission accomplished.
In my mind.....this is the same difference.... as it is between Cats and Dogs.
I can't read minds of course....but I can sense these primitive feelings in other people and interpret them intuitively even if there words are telling me something different. Tolerating says.....I don't like you to me and it's hard to separate this message when I'm feeling this from them.
Who would ever feel good about being tolerated? Things are tolerated not people. Tolerance is not to be confused here with being tolerated. those are two entirely different things.