Does anyone else struggle to get their ADHD partner to celebrate them?
Mine has an aversion to gifts or doing anything nice for me. It's starting to ware on me after being together for so long (18 years of this!) I've really tried to adapt to his ways - but why can't he adapt to mine? I come from a family that celebrates birthdays - people have given me surprise parties in the past - I've given him parties even - I love to give gifts - to celebrate people!
I've gotten my husband some nice things over the years. But when it's his turn to celebrate me he gets stuck, frozen, confused - overwhelmed. IT IS SO ANNOYING. I've tried everything over the years - making lists - couples therapy - giving him a heads-up that a special day is coming...put his name on a gift for me. One year - he got me a STICK for my birthday. Yes. A literal STICK. A STUPID WOODEN STICK. He said it was a joke - but wow it was really hurtful. I should have left right then and there!! Instead I fussed at him about how hurtful it was and he ran to Target for something unmemorable. Can you believe that madness?
Today - I am upset because I got into a kick-ass PhD program this year - finished my first semester the other day. My husband knows how important this work is to me - I told him, he's seen the tears and sweat. It's a big step for me. I asked him to do something nice - I knew it wasn't going to happen - so I decided to celebrate myself with a bottle of wine and some cake.
When I got home - instead of making a nice dinner - my husband had heated up left-overs! It's like he's purposefully being mean to me - he purposely wants to hurt my feelings. All I could do was cry. I just cried and cried and he apologized for having bad timing - then I ended up comforting him - what? Why am I comforting him - when I am the one in need of love and support. It feels like nothing will ever change. He's been a real DUD. I know there are partners out there who celebrate people!
Stingy, especially with acknowledgement
Submitted by adhd32 on
First let me congratulate you on your achievements, you deserve praise and celebration. Achieving a goal whether big or small should be celebrated especially by loved ones.
My H never acknowledges anyone else's achievements, he usually makes snide remarks instead or starts an argument over something minor so everyone feels bad instead of basking in the glow of an achievement. It is as if once any focus is not on him, anyone else around somehow becomes an adversary. It isn't as if he is showering me with attention when I'm not engaged in something, he pretty much ignores me while I am around day to day BUT as soon as my attention is focused elsewhere, he ramps up the passive agressive behavior.
At the moment I am bogged down with the holiday preparations as well as a few other major complicated matters. Yesterday he was doing attention seeking things and trying to goad me into an argument like a 12 year old. I told him I wasn't playing his game and maybe he should find something else to do. He made sure to mope around all day like a big victim.
I too wonder how good life would be with a partner in my corner pulling for me, supporting me, picking up the slack when I can't, making a meal or doing laundry without seeking a parade and heaps of praise. It is all so draining.
It doesn't get better unless the ADHDer tries. My H isn't interested in changing he is happy being without friends. He is estranged from our kids because of comments he made about them, mean things he said about their friends, his behavior in public, and his general lack of emotional and physical support. He did not really acknowledge their achievements either especially when they reached goals that surpassed anything H achieved in his life. H is envious of his own children.
Not sure H's motivation is to be unsupportive it's more like he is trying to alienate everyone. My guess is he can't be happy for others because he feels badly about himself, but that has nothing to do with me and something only he can fix. He chooses his misery and I ignore him and expect nothing from him.
Same here
Submitted by I’ve had enough on
My husband is the exact same way. He can't be happy for anyone.
Couples therapy and self help books
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Everything is about them. My wife can't / won't listen for long enough to realise I am unhappy. I was asked to apply for a promotion. I was the best candidate for the job, but office politics meant I didn't get it. She pretty much said I was stupid for applying.
Having lavished her with expensive gifts and numerous self help books over the years with very little gratitude in return, This Christmas I have bought her a self study ADHD seminar, 2 books by Mellissa Orlov and another by Terry Matlen. I'll get socks and probably dinner somewhere she wants to go or concert tickets for a band she wants to see.
The fact that I don't feel bad about it tells me I've given up to an extent.