Cheesecake, safety, and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong

My husband, adult son, and 13 year old nephew were working on scrapping out a vehicle.  I looked out the window and saw a potentially dangerous situation.  I went out and voiced my concern to my ADHD spouse.  I am such-a-trained-chimp when it comes to being very cautious how I approach concerns -walking on egg-shells - making sure to use I statements so as not to come across as attacking.  All that communication effort was in vain - the situation turned ugly.  I was told I had no business sticking my nose where it didn't belong.  He doesn't come in and tell me how to make cheesecake, so I had no business telling him what to do.  I am still in shock over the results of this encounter.  What's a person to do in these situations?  I think it is out of line to compare baking to a dangerous situation.  Sigh.

Get rid of the eggshells and get some boots.

For a very brief period of time during my 14 year marriage, I found myself walking on eggshells...and I hated it. I don't guess it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that this behavior is motivated by fear. My Momma didn't raise me to be afraid of ANY man...I sure as hell wasn't going to start now. My true feeling is that he may have very well agreed with you that what you pointed out was a legitimate safety concern, but because you pointed it out, he was offended...felt you were calling him stupid/telling him what to do (especially since he had an audience)...and the immediate reaction is to do or say whatever it takes to make you regret what you just did. NO MATTER HOW VALID OR LEGITIMATE IT WAS. It isn't about what you said, but about who said it...and that it was something you pointed out that they weren't doing 'right', in their minds. My husband was ONLY like that when he was on medication...or I should say it was exacerbated 1000 x by medication. I caught myself shutting down and refusing to even talk unless spoken to. It is no way to live.

You go out and you say "that _____ over there looks a little dangerous, just thought I would let you know" and you walk away. If he starts with the insults then you say, as you're walking away, "that really isn't necessary...I was just pointing out the ____ looks dangerous" and maybe toss in a "I'm sorry you feel that way" until you get out of ear shot. DON'T engage. You had a valid reason to go out. Period. If you don't engage then it not only makes him look like an ass, but responding to what he says in a way that lets him know "hey, I don't care what you're going to say, I know I had no ill intent and my reason for coming out was valid" sorta takes the fun out of attacking you. You could even just say "I'm not sure why that upsets you so much, I simply was thinking that looks dangerous...take it for what it's worth" and walk away. If it is a matter of your son being in danger then I would insist the situation be rectified regardless of his tantrum.

ADHDers do this for control. They do it because they can. They know you're walking on eggshells and that is just how they want it. It is self defeating. Get off of the eggshells...or you will always be treated like this.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

I'll try on them there boots

Thanks for the insight.  My concern was for my nephew.  My son is 22 so I figure he can decide for himself if he wanted to be part of the project.   Oh man, my husband's  ugly wall of defense that shoots up in ANY conflict is impenetrable - and unbearable.

I had just been watching my recording of Dr. Ned on the Dr. Oz show - and was struck with his comment of "Don't take it personally."  I sure get confused on what is just poor behavior and what is the response of the ADHD brain. 

My heartstrings get pulled at all the time.  15 months ago my husband had a fullblown ADHD screening.  His is so high on the scale , it is disability.  Sadly, he has refused to take the steps the dr. set up for him.  He doesn't seem-to/refuses-to comprehend how his ADHD effects us.   As a couple, we do not get invited to friends homes.  He has offended many family members, so as a couple, we don't get invited there either.  My daughter is away at college and sent me a message today that she doesn't want to stay at home  during her holiday break if Mom and Dad are fighting.  Like many of the posters here on this forum, I just can't get to the actual point of saying I am Getting Out of This Marriage.   Probably because it is not in my heart.  Our relationship doesn't have to be this way.  I can only do my part.  I've done both parts for way too long!