Chemical Halo (A song I wrote about my ADHD)

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just a set-in stain

Another day wasted here just circling the drain

I know that I'm not crazy

I'm not claiming to be sane

I'm like a thousand shards of glass

That make up this windowpane

What if I told you there was a chemical solution

A fork in this dead-end road of disillusion 

Just to calm the storm

A little tweak

A path to resolution 

I can ADD but not subtract

I divide with lack of tact

Multiply distraction like static on the radio

F*** it, just fit me for this chemical halo


My first post here... I have not been officially diagnosed as having ADHD or anxiety, which almost certainly is an accompanying disorder I am suffering from.   In fact, I have suspected that I had issues with anxiety before I ever seriously considered that I might be suffering with ADHD.  For years I struggled with underachievement.  Everyone who knew me well believed I was squandering my talent and intelligence and that I was just lazy and a little selfish.  Later in life I began to try to accept that I simply, for lack of a better term, sucked at life.  I figured that If I could graciously accept this fundamental truth about myself, and admit it to others, that the people who loved me would find it easier to accept it as well.  This did not work, as people just began to think I was making excuses to continue to be lazy.

 As the pressure mounted in my marriage, I became hyper-focused on figuring out what was wrong with me.  I started looking into anxiety disorders again. Ultimately, I found my way to some info about ADHD and anxiety, and a light-bulb suddenly turned on.  I watched an interview with Dr. Hallowell and cried the entire time. (more recently I have begun reading Driven to Distraction.  I spent the first 30 pages crying at the feeling of hope and a sense of being finally understood).  This chain of events also reminded me of a New Years Eve in my early twenties when a friend of mine shared some addereall he had gotten from another friend for recreational use.  I remember this night vividly even though it was more than a decade ago.  What sticks with me the most is the feeling of calm, organized thought and the overall effortlessness with which my words came to me.  I no longer had to constantly monitor myself to stay focused on my friend while we were conversing.  Many times during the course of a conversation, I find myself trying to hold onto an idea that occurs to me, while the other person is still speaking.  Sometimes I strain hard to keep the thought, while trying to remain present in the conversation.  More often I am swept away by the thought and set about organizing my subsequent thoughts, to be better prepared for my turn to speak.  Then, I snap back, coming to the realization that I have completely stopped listening to this person who is still speaking to me. Not on this night.  I would be listening, a thought would come, but my ability to actively listen didn't suffer.  I found it easy to remain truly engaged in the conversation, while still being adequately prepared to incorporate the thought into a cogent, linear response once it was my turn to speak. I did not feel "high" I felt more normal than I ever had in my entire life.  I even mused on several occasions that evening, wondering if this was in fact a problem I was dealing with and a medication I needed to be taking.  I remember pondering it for a few weeks, but ultimately I never pursued it, and eventually forgot about it.  

That leads me to the present.  Currently I have no job, I do have some income that allows me to contribute $60 a week to the household bills, and $50 for personal money, leaving my wife to cover the remaining household obligations as well as springing for the vast majority of our weekend activities. I do not have medical insurance.  I'm "looking" for a job, but this task is so daunting and overwhelming to me, that I just can't focus long enough to fill out more than one or two applications.  We need additional income, so I am at the point where I need to take pretty much any job, but I really just want to get diagnosed, and begin the process of getting treatment.  I don't usually have problems keeping a job, but my life satisfaction diminishes dramatically when I don't enjoy the work I'm doing, and resulting depression is just as toxic to the marriage as the financial stresses that result from my lack of income.  I am self-medicating with marijuana, and I have tried to stop, but my wife says I'm a different person when I'm not smoking, which also causes us problems.  Marijuana also helps me to feel more normal though I also feel high.  It is not nearly as effective as the adderall at helping me stay focused, and tends to add to my forgetfulness...

I have to stop here or I'll either be typing this out all day, or I'll lose interest in a couple hours and just erase this all, which has already taken up 3 hours of my day (3 hours I could have spent looking for a job, which is what I am supposed to be doing).  Mostly I am just looking to hear any possible options for getting diagnosed without insurance.  I'm also looking for opinions on whether my struggles fit the ADHD diagnosis. In reality, I know they do.  I just have this sense that it will be extremely cathartic for others here to validate my suspicions.  The people in my life are pretty skeptical, and so far have done very little research on this possible explanation.  I will continue my story here, when I can focus again... Right now I just have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be done, and I know if I try to continue I will end up erasing this because it's unfinished...