Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and have spent the last week reading posts that have been an eye opener for me - Thank you to everyone that has posted, I have leant a lot from you.
My partner has non medicated ADHD and I am struggling with two things in particular. Childish behavior and blurting things out without thinking.
My partner has had ADHD for his whole life and has all the classic "traits" of the condition. I feel I deal with most "traits" well. After a LOT of research on how his brain works, I understand that he cannot control most of these and I have adjusted myself appropriately to keep things running smoothly.
We are at the point in out relationships where marriage and children are something to seriously think about but in all honesty, I really have no idea how that will go - especially the children part!
He is immature and extremely childish 90% of the time - which is fine, that's part of who he is and I understand that completely. It does at times wear me out though. He also says ANYTHING that pops into his head and sometimes the things he says are not the nicest and can offend me. This blurting out then leads to a whole other problem that I absolutely CANNOT deal with... He will then twist what he has said, tell me he didn't mean it how I took it, downplay what was said, or if he thinks I didn't hear him properly and ask him to repeat himself he will say something completely different that kind of sounds similar to the original statement. I think he does this because he has seen how what he has said affected me and has now had a brief moment to think about it??? I don't bloody know. During the beginning of our relationship this blurting out stuff was really making me question my sanity, I genuinely felt I was losing my mind - how on earth can I misinterpret, not recall properly and take these comments the wrong way so frequently?? He would say things like "you need to get a cat scan" or "the antidepressants are really affecting your memory" (I was on antidepressants for anxiety). I really feel he is so very good at being a gas-lighter he doesn't notice he is doing it. It makes me want to record everything we say to each other.
Anyway, I digress, sorry for the mid post rant.
The reason I am posting today is to gain some insight about ADHD partners becoming parents and raising children. There are so many things I worry about. What is the chance of my child having ADHD also? How will my childish partner cope with a baby/child, will he step up and act hes age? If not, how would I cope with being the only adult in the family? Will our child learn and take on the traits of my partner even if it didn't have the condition? Will we be able to come together and be great parents together or will the issues we face now become worse? Will the gas-lighting make me doubt myself about parenting? The questions I have about this are endless.
I would greatly appreciate any input with this. Can anyone share their own experience with an ADHD partner becoming a parent and raising children?
You’re very fortunate to have
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
You’re very fortunate to have knowledge of your SO’s adhd before you get married and have a family. You’re very wise to seek out as much information as you can get.
I don’t think you can use adhd as a gauge of whether a man will be a good father. Adhd has a wide array of symptoms and no two people are the same. As for my adhd husband, he is a devoted and amazing father. He has just the right balance of child like qualities, intelligence, and adventure seeking. He loves to watch movies with the kids, even animated movies when they were young. He can play board games with them for hours. He’s strong in math and science and loves helping them with their school work. He’s involved in all of their extracurricular activities. He spends many hours practicing with them and never misses a meet, match, or game. The kids are always growing and changing and taking on new challenges. This is right up his alley and he stays very engaged with them. I’ve wondered what will happen when they’re grown and their lives become more routine and mundane. I wonder if he’ll lose interest in them. Im sure he would be a devoted grandparent, if he’s given that opportunity. However, sometimes he can feel like a third child to be taken care of. Most of the time he ignores me because he’s giving so much attention to the kids. They always come first with him. It’s a trade off.
We have two children, a son and daughter. Our daughter doesn’t have ADHD. Our son has ADHD and ODD. Basically, he was miserable from the moment he was born and wanted to make everyone in our household miserable as well. He thrived on chaos all of his waking hours. Every single part of life with him was a struggle. He finally outgrew the ODD at the age of 17. His ODD was, without a doubt, the most stressful part of our lives for 17 years and I’m grateful every single day that it’s over. He’s now a mature, calm, responsible and laid back 18 year old. Adhd and Odd are fairly common coexisting conditions and not everyone outgrows it.
My husband’s adhd causes him to be very manipulative and narcissistic. He will also gaslight me if he gets backed into a corner. Manipulation, narcissism and gaslighting equal emotional abuse in a marriage. This is how his brain is wired. He can’t change it. He has been able to do some things that improve his functioning, but he can’t make huge changes to his brain wiring. These behaviors have really taken a toll on me and my health over the years. I’m always in a defensive mode, trying to anticipate when I’m going to be manipulated or taken advantage of. It’s exhausting !!
This is the time during your relationship that your SO is showing you who he is. Believe him!! The difficult situations in your relationship are not likely to get easier after you get married and have a family. They’re likely to get worse with more responsibility and more stress. You have to decide if you can live with his behaviors for the rest of your life.
Believe her.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hopeful Heart just told you many of the things I would have told you....In my case it's about the same, a big happy child, who demands her way, who is super messy and who has a great disdain for marital obligations and responsibilities....There is good chance you will be very lonely very soon....
People who live in the kind of mind we are talking about here make awesome friends, as long as you don't have to take them home w/ you for more than a visit....Do you have boundaries now? Does he respect them if you do?
You get what you see with people...My spouse was a different person for the year we dated, fully attentive, I mattered then... It's took 10 painful years to get our relationship to take on anything that resembles tolerable....
I wish you the best...
C
A few points
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Things have been a bit better recently, but for most of the time:
1) I was always the one to blame for the problems with the kids. Even when she completely dismissed my view and then things turned out horribly, it was my fault.
2) Right is wrong. She would yell at me for doing one thing the kids, then yell at me the next day for not doing it.
3) Double standards--there were so many things that were cardinal sins when I did them, but perfectly OK when she did. I would raise my voice with the kids and it would be treated as child abuse. It was nothing compared to how far off the handle she would go.
4) Her anger at the kids would often be quickly redirected or expanded toward me.
5) She grossly underestimated the difficulty of raising kids. She wants to be Supermom, but she thought it would be so easy to do so. Why doesn't everything go the way she wants it to? And she will try to be a perfect mom by doing things that are against the kids' real interests--such as blowing money on trips or parties when we need to pay the mortgage. Oh, and she wanted even more kids before I threatened to leave the marriage. (If she is Supermom, then any problems must be the fault of me or the kids, right? It couldn't be her.)
Children
Submitted by phatmama on
I know we are not technically supposed to post generalities here, but I feel very, very strongly about this, so I am going to share my opinion for what it is worth. Here goes: having children with an ADHD partner is like throwing a grenade into your life. It will blow up EVERYTHING and you may very well spend decades exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed. My relationship with my DH was magical and I thought his ADHD traits were endearing and charming until Baby #1 came along and suddenly it was like the blinders were ripped off and I realized just exactly what I had done to my life. Those traits that were not a problem for me at all when we were responsible for nothing but ourselves and some cats were suddenly very, very serious concerns. To be honest, having children has damaged our relationship more than I can ever describe. We still love each other, but trust? respect? goodwill? --down the drain. We have been unable to effectively partner in this really challenging endeavor because ADHD is a SERIOUS DISABILITY which renders the individual almost unable to function in many areas of adult life. Parenting is where the rubber seems to meet the road with those impairments. We are 21 years in at this point, and I pray we can reconnect and get back the "spark" when our youngest, age 9, is out of the house. Our oldest are adults, though, and we still disagree very seriously about how to "parent" them--such as two weeks ago, DH gave our daughter all our Hilton hotel points for Spring Break in FL without asking me. I had wanted to use them for a little weekend trip down South for him, me, and the 9 year old when school is out in May. And this is just a very small, insignificant example of the things that happen that are divisive in an ADHD marriage with kids. When they were young, it was things like forgetting to feed our children when I was gone ALL DAY, taking them out in the weather improperly dressed, keeping them out hours past their bedtime, demanding quiet so he could hyperfocus on a "project" and then going ballistic when that didn't happen (two toddlers--go figure!), etc... I could go on and on. There are many, many people with whom you could raise children in a calm, stable, nurturing environment with minimal hassle---an ADD'er is not one of those. However, I would like to say, and have said it before (another post in this thread also addresses this) that my DH is a wonderful parent when it comes to being a COMPANION, support system, or BUDDY to our kids. He is, hands down, the most "fun" adult I know. If you are willing to shoulder almost all the actual work of parenting and just let him hang out with them and "play", you will be thrilled, because it is like having Peter Pan for a Dad for the children. But without Wendy, where would Peter and the Lost Boys have been? Proceed with caution and consider yourself warned. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt......
Why did I stay?
Submitted by jennalemone on
I have been trying to verbalize for myself why I chose to end up with my H and why I stayed with him for 40 years. I wonder why I am not the person I started out being...or did I have some childhood conditioning that I have been playing out for some unknown reason? I found this writing which says it like it was for me about children and my marriage. This is taken from YourTango.com under PTSD in relationships:
I worry that not only have my daughters witnessed a man manipulate and discount a woman, but that my sons have had a poor example to follow of what it means to be a real man. I stayed for the sake of my children. Now, I blame myself for the effects staying may possibly have on them. Why did I stay? I stayed because I was isolated; I was financially dependent on him; I was sleep deprived; I believed I was worthless and at fault; I was worn down from constantly being on guard for the next disappointing non-action, betraying arrow into my heart, or verbal attack. I stayed because I was more afraid to leave.
In your own words...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Hi Courtnisk,
I met my ex later in life and realized that he likely has undiagnosed ADD after we split up. So, I did not have children of my own with him but I did have a very close relationship with his now adult children for the 5 years that we were together. I am still close with the oldest now. He and the youngest confided in me quite a lot.
I could tell you tons of stories but let's just say that growing up with my ex as a father wasn't healthy. He was rarely around and when he was... there was a lot of fighting between him and his wife where he would blow up and leave. He was constantly late or just didn't go to events. He was more concerned with being out with his friends. He had affairs, as well. The kids have a lot of negative emotions around these memories. Eventually his marriage failed. His wife left shortly after the youngest turned 18.
I had no knowledge of all that for a long time, but during the course of our relationship I dealt with similar problems and formed my own observations. Two of the kids were still living at home even though they were well into their twenties. One ran off and got married during that time. The spouse now lives there too. Rent free with no responsibilities other than to themselves. The house was also in great disrepair, bills were late, taxes went unpaid, calls from collectors avoided... meanwhile my ex hung out after work with his friends and drank, thinking it was fine to show up for dinner at 9 or 10 at night and then pass out.
He just could not seem to manage things at all. There were no boundaries, no structure and no expectations. In anything. Aside from the other problems with money and everything else, I kept attempting to get him to lay down some rules with his now-adult-children and discuss a future plan around moving out and so forth, but he wanted no part of it. He repeatedly stated that he "didn't want to be the bad guy" and that "they should just know" and that he "shouldn't have to...". Any insistance from me resulted in explosive temper tantrums, avoidance and silent treatment. He simply would not deal with the responsibilities of being a parent or anything else. He could not sustain anything.. manage anything.. the "care and feeding" of things, so to speak. The kids, the responsibilities of maintaining a house, the many cars and motorcycles he impulsively bought and then left to decay, his various "business ideas" that never formed, his finances, his marriage, our relationship, nothing.... He acquires things/people and then doesn't do much else.
I took care of the grocery shopping, cooking, holiday planning, gift buying, birthday dinner organization, etc... I asked the kids the difficult questions about their ideas and helped them sort out their choices. I'm willing to bet his wife did all of that as well and plenty more. Eventually both of us got sick of being the only one to do so.
The kids now have a lot of challenges as adults. I can see ADD traits in all of them. Some mild, some quite severe. Anger, anxiety, inability to launch (the one who is still living at home with their spouse has zero plan to move out and saves money only to then blow it all on a spontaneous trip or new car), jumping from job to job, clutter, unfinished projects/plans, no thought to the future... it's all there in each of them, in some form or another. On top of that they did not have their father as a good role model. The oldest in particular is angry at his father and views him as selfish, inconsiderate and irresponsible. The youngest just doesn't believe a word he says.
That's my story, in a nutshell. Others have told you part of their stories. I would invite you to carefully examine your own story. In your own words. Starting with your "rant" above. That's what your dealing with now, right? ... That's your current reality in your own words... then ask yourself what you think the future will be like and if you can deal with that.
I loved my ex very much. Part of me still does. He and I alone often had a lot of fun, as long as there were no responsibilities or expectations involved. But that's not reality... and unfortunately love on it's own does not a relationship make.
You Speak my Life
Submitted by quesara1979 on
My family situation is a bit different than yours, however your words are almost verbatim on how I have described my marriage to my husband. I told him yesterday that I want to seperate for awhile, so we can work to build new habits with each other and think about what our goals really are for this marriage. He told me that he doesn't understand how he is so bad that I would want to not live together anymore - he doesn't cheat on me, he doesn't yell, he doesn't hit me. Yet, he is extremely mean to me when he's upset. Many times he says very damaging things to me and he can't see why I can't just move on when he says he's sorry. I work to forgive, but his words haunt me in a lot of ways, because not much gets done by him in repairing that trust. He is extremely adept in shifting the issue back to me and how it's my problem and I felt exactly as you did - that I must be crazy because I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I've been in therapy for 5 years - just to figure that out!
I came into my marriage with a daughter. She's only known him as her dad. He is usually pretty good with her and we have always been on the same page on how to parent her. The struggle he has with her is that he doesn't spend much time with her. He is home - but he is in his office, sleeping, or watching TV. He's on his phone 24/7 and when she tries talking to him, he isn't paying attention. Once a year, he specifically plans an outing with her for daddy/daughter time. This makes me so sad - because he is missing out on the most amazing time in her life and it's not going to last long. Most of the time, I feel like I'm a single mom who has to clean up after 2 kids.
I think it's good you are thinking about the future and how the current troubles you are experiencing may impact those long-term goals. There are always going to be some amazing benefits that your partner can bring to parenthood - but sometimes it's a matter of weighing out the pros/cons in deciding if it would be worth it to you.
I don't know if that was helpful at all - but I wish you the very best!
Out of Sight Out of Mind
Submitted by vabeachgal on
You are wise to be considering this question. It seems that the parent/child dynamic becomes worse when actual children are brought into the mix. As an adult parent, it is normal to expect your partner to rise to the occasion and be a contributing parent. My H is a stepfather to my children. To the outside, he's a good stepfather. In fact,he basks in the kudos he receives from others for "stepping up". In hindsight, he's been very good over the years at managing his outward behavior so that everyone else thinks he's a great guy. Behind the scenes? Well, that was a different story. In addition to chore wars, I could never count on him for regular, consistent help with the kids. It wasn't beneficial that he took the attitude that I would have to do everything by myself, anyway, if he weren't there, as if my choice was always alone or with him. LOL!!!
Here's one scenario that hasn't been brought up. Since I was married and he was outwardly a helpful parent, I did not receive help and support from others when I needed it, including my own family members.
My H picked and chose what activities he would participate in. Everything was optional for him. I ended up feeling horrible about always being the non-single parent at events by myself. My daughter is now an ex-pat overseas. He hasn't made any effort to keep in touch with her. He didn't even call to wish her a Merry Christmas, let alone get her a gift. If someone (me) wasn't manufacturing and manipulating closeness, etc., it didn't happen. I didn't oversee his contributions to Christmas this year. He did not purchase my son a gift either. He said he would get the gift later ... so much later that it became his birthday gift. Sigh. Neither child is feeling great about his behavior or their relationship with him right now.
From my perspective, the gaslighting isn't helped by parenting. You could end up second guessing everything you do and every decision you make regarding a child. Kids have an inborn ability to discern lack of consistency between parents. It causes a lot of problems. Do you always want to be the bad guy and he gets to be the fun guy? I ended up being the "traffic cop" and was often too tired and exhausted to be the fun parent. The stress of the marriage and my H's behavior made me even more exhausted. I'm honestly not sure how I survived all of it. My kids do not have ADHD. I can't even imagine that situation...
It's a
Submitted by barneyarff on
My experience is that people with ADHD are great dates. They are full of fun and energy and laugh a lot.
They make lousy mates because there is so much mundane stuff in the day to day work of life that they don't want to do. Add kids to that and it multiplies by volumes.
Dr Doug Lisle, an evolutionary psychologist has some interesting insights about stuff like this. In a recent podcast where a woman's sister was dating a guy who was fun, etc but bad news in so many ways, Dr Lisle said for the woman to suggest to her sister to go ahead and have all the fun she wanted with this person but never ever do anything (like get married or have kids with) with this person that would make it very difficult to break away when he wasn't fun anymore.
I wish I had heard a person of authority say that to me many years ago. My husband is a great date (as long as I plan everything) but I can't even depend on him to change the furnace filter even after I asked him twice. And if I ask again, I'm nagging and down the rabbit hole we go. So I either call someone to come look at the furnace, change the filter, etc or let it go and the furnace doesn't last so long. Once again it's on me and he is off skipping down the street playing with dogs and smelling flowers with no idea that he even left this undone and it caused me more time and more money. By doing nothing he has me trapped.
As they say in Star Wars "it's a TRAP!"
Things like this are called "mental load" It's a thing. Women have a huge amount of mental load as in remembering what all has to be done and making sure it gets done; who has to go where; who likes what, etc. Your mental load will be extradinary and no one no will understand. Experts will tell you not to be angry and to work around it, etc. It's the same old patriarchal crap of blame the woman. Back in the 60's we were all given valium and told we were fine. Well, I'm venting.