The choice to get married

Occasionally, I see comments from people along the lines of, "Why did you get married to this person if he has all these problems?" or "Why are you still married to this person?" or "How could you even think of splitting with someone who has a disability?"

I've thought about these a lot and wanted to share some of my answers.  I'd love it if other people would offer their thoughts, too.

1) I was young and stupid.

2) I liked him and thought he would be a good provider.

3) At the time we got married, I didn't know he had ADHD.  I knew very generally (maybe) that he had struggled with depression and anxiety but I didn't know any details.  Not until the second year of marriage was I confronted with an unvarnished example of my husband's emotional functioning, when it took him two months to make an important decision and he seemed totally unable to deal with the decisionmaking process in a productive way.

4) I had changed a great deal by my early 20s and so I thought that everyone had the capacity and willingness to change.

5) Things didn't fall apart all at once.  Having a messy person as a spouse seemed tolerable; having as a spouse an unemployed person who wouldn't look for a job was much less tolerable and much more destructive to the family.  

6) I'm at heart a positive, can-do person but he's not and another person's negativity can really grind away at one's own outlook.

7) I just turned 50.  I'm allowed to have a midlife crisis.

8) I was young and stupid. 

 

 

At the time we got

At the time we got married, we didn't know he had ADHD.  That was 30 years ago!!!!!  Way before anyone had the knowledge about this disorder and the devastating effects it would have on the relationship.  I wish we had had this knowledge.  I know in my case it probably would have helped us understand why my husband is the way he is.  Up until 5 years ago, when we received his diagnosis, I just thought I had hooked up with the biggest jerk on the face of the earth.  I must say it has taken its toll.  Bad memories still outweigh good memories, but we are trying.

I am tired of that question.

I am tired of that question. Life is a journey, full of twists and turns and surprises. People are complicated, complex, and mysterious. Who the hell has all the answers? That question implies judgement. I know I just need people who support me no matter what I decide. My marriage has been difficult, but I do cherish it.