Chores and crazy logic

Let me start off by saying that I now do all the household chores every single day otherwise they wouldn't get done and lately I am enjoying having a nice clean house.  My partner's only responsibility is his dishes and to clean up after cooking for himself (put things away, put refuse in garbage, wipe up spills etc.) and even this is only done sporadically.  Lately he's taken to flat-ironing his hair every other day (don't ask) and when he does this, he gets hair ALL OVER the bathroom floor.  I assumed that it should therefore be his responsibility to clean up after himself afterwards by vacuuming up the hair so I nicely said to him, "hey, if you vacuum the floor today I'll do all your dishes" just to be nice.  What I got in response was, "no thanks.  vacuuming the floor is a big job".  Meaning he wasn't going  to do it even though he should and even after I offered to do his dishes just to be nice.  When I gently suggested that he should be vacuuming the floor once a week now that he is doing his hair every other day and making a mess, he freaked out and started yelling at me saying that, "You can't do that to me!  You can't do that, that's not fair!  You can't give me a weekly chore just because I use the bathroom."  When I, again gently, suggested that it wasn't a chore per se, but was "cleaning up after himself" because he was making a mess in the bathroom" he told me it still wasn't fair because he'd "be cleaning up some of my 'debris' in the process of cleaning up his hair".  Well if I knew a way to separate my relatively few hairs, skin cells, and toilet paper lint from his massive hair accumulation then I would, but I think considering I do EVERYTHING ELSE around the house, cleaning up his own mess shouldn't be seen as unfair because he might 'accidentally' clean up some of my relatively tiny mess.   Crazy thinking.  Just crazy.

Mommy's boy?

Just a question, but did he have a mother who took care of everything?

I have a relative who ended up with a guy who refused to clean up dishes (she would see what happened if she did not deal with his, result maggots) and would drop his clothes (including dirty underwear) anywhere he felt like it because his mother had always cleaned up for him, no questions asked. First she insisted on renting apartments & houses with 2 bathrooms and she never went into his.  Then it ended in divorce. What are his expectations of his role?

Wow

Good job not throttling him!

Sigh . . .

Oh, I've wanted to throttle him many-a-time believe me.  His mom did do everything around the house and his father never pitched in (bad role modeling) and to make things worse, his dad often forced him and his siblings to do outside chores every Saturday morning and was very demanding about how they kept both their appearance and rooms.  But, that was then.  He's 36 years old now and I find it hard to believe that he doesn't seem to feel an ounce of responsibility or partnership and in fact does act very much like a terribly spoiled child.  In fact, I cajoled him finally into vacuuming the bathroom when I went out to go shopping.  It was a pretty big haul of mostly items that he requested (whenever I mention I'm going shopping he adds about 20+ items to my list turning a quick spree into a huge chore) and when I got back I asked him to put the groceries away as I washed my feet (stepped in mud in sandals) and he threw a huge tantrum whining, "why do *I* have to put the groceries away?  I vacuumed the bathroom floor remember?"  I reminded him that he vacuumed because he made a mess then reminded him that since I put all the items in the cart, put them all on the conveyor, bagged them, loaded them into the car, unloaded them and walked them to our house from our parking spot on the street (which required multiple trips), and that *most* of it was HIS stuff that maybe, just maybe he could be a dear and put them away.  I got an eye roll and a huff, but he did it.  Then after I come into the living room where he is trimming his spilt ends while sitting on the couch watching TV.  I repeat that.  Trimming his hair on our couch.  Sigh.  It sounds like a sit-com but it's real and it's my life.

Lol

Sorry, it's really not funny, but I am remembering two things. First, the lengths my STBX would go to, to avoid a task. The debates! The arguing! The long lists of what he did do and how could I even ask? It was always about fairness. Which killed me, because I did 85% on a bad day and the things he chose to do were not vital, like sanding an old piece of furniture in the garage when there were diapers to change, dishes to wash, and clothes to fold. And second, to this day I cringe about the grocery thing. He can't drive right now so to be nice and because my children visit him, I call and ask if I can pick anything up. I emphasize that this is a short trip and I want to be "in and out." That it is not major shopping but I could "grab a few things." I hate grocery shopping. He will give me a list of 28 things, each and every time. Every time! 

At any rate, wow. I am aghast that yours does not want to clean up his own hair. I am so sorry. I wonder if he knows how lucky he is that you do this stuff in your household? It does sound like a sitcom.

Um, I think he spends more

Um, I think he spends more time on his hair than I do! :-) Though I do flat iron and I shed like crazy and generally don't clean up after myself. So I'm not much better than your partner.

I'm in a similar situation though my hubby is amenable to helping out it's just that whatever I ask him to do, he has an excuse for not doing it at that moment. Generally it's about the dishes. He doesn't like to do them. Well I don't either! I asked him last night to clean a pan I used for making dinner because I had a water blister on my finger and it hurt whenever I put it in hot water while washing. He went to pick up the pan, discovered it was still hot, and then said, "I'll clean it when it cools off." OK, that's a logical excuse but where's the pan this morning? Still on top of the stove.

This is the LAST time we rent a place without a dishwasher. Or a washer and dryer. He was pretty good about putting the dishes in the machine and doing his own laundry when we were living in a house with those conveniences. That's why I can't get too mad at him since I know he's done it in the past and is capable of doing it again should we get a dishwasher/washer/dryer.

You're definitely a good woman for putting up with the whining.

Washing Dishes

Just a VERY handy tip for us people who don't like washing dishes.  

Put the dishes in the sink with the hottest water available out of the faucet and Palmolive dish soap.  Let them sit while you wash the table/counters/stove.  Let them sit for an hour or so.  When you get to them, you just need to swish a bit and lay them on toweled counters to dry themselves.  Don't ever take your time to scrub when you don't have to.  Also, if there are stuck on food on stove and counter....wring water on them and let them sit while the water does the work for you of loosening the spillage.  

Also, I never want dh to do the dishes.  It takes him and hour or two clanking and banging and "taking breaks to rest" and then he talks about it to anyone who will listen for the next two weeks how he washes the dishes.  He likes to take "credit" for ALL his work.   It's the "Let's not and say we did" approach to justification.

The dishes were a sore point

The dishes were a sore point between me and my husband for awhile.  He said he was happy to do them.  This is how it would go:  he'd spend at least twice as long on the task; and many of the dishes would still have food gunk on them after he was done.  I wouldn't comment on the length of time but I would feel compelled to rewash the dishes that were still dirty.  Understandably, this bothered him, but understandably, it bothered me to have gunk on "clean" dishes.  I eventually told him that he didn't need to do the dishes.  Problem solved for him:  do something in a half-assed way; get upset when issues are pointed out; have one fewer task to do after spouse takes over task to prevent conflict.

sow's ear

Problem solved for him:  do something in a half-assed way; get upset when issues are pointed out; have one fewer task to do after spouse takes over task to prevent conflict.

"Yep, Maw, you do those dishes so perty-like, I guess a feeble bucket-o-stupid like me just ain't able to do those gosh dern dishes. Shucks".  Walks off - shoulder-shrug - "little boy kicking the dirt".

PLAYED!!!!!  MANIPULATED!!!!!  Have they no pride?

My dh used to say to me A LOT.... "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear".....  ugh.  I used to take it personally as tho it was my fault for trying to change him.  Now, i have a MUCH better comeback and he doesn't say it anymore.   I say, "Yes, that might be true.  But if I had a sow's ear, I would not take it out in public or carry it around with me."

My husband says he "can't"!

My husband and I have been separated since August. His landlord, who thinks I still owe him even though he knows I don't live there, got in touch with me about the filthy state of the house. I talked to him about it, and he says "one person couldn't maintain our house" and "you didn't work as many hours as you said you did." Right, full-time job, came home, sat down at the computer and worked until bedtime, and all day Saturday and Sunday, but it wasn't "that much"! I find the idea that one able-bodied person, which I am not, could not maintain a small house when someone else is earning all the money to be ludicrous. Apparently, I was supposed to start doing the housework after I got done working around midnight. I am not sure if the distortion of reality is a symptom of ADD or something else.

Common

My dh never seems to think other people's experiences are the same magnitude as his, even when they are the same. I'm sure it does take him longer to clean tho, because adhd folk rarely do it linearly, at least the suboptimally treated don't. No filter as to what's good enuf doesn't help. Good luck avoiding liability for his lapses. You could suggest the 20 minutes at a time, or one shelf, strategies.

Good tip, Jenna. Thanks so

Good tip, Jenna. Thanks so much! Oh and I invested in Corelleware when we got married so he couldn't break the dishes! :-)

You aren't kidding!

You aren't kidding Lynninny. Today, after waking up with a sore back and cleaning up the whole house as usual (vacuuming, mopping, etc., organizing) I asked him to clean up the mess he made in the kitchen while I was cleaning. I asked very nicely. He ignored me. This mess was preventing me from making lunch for myself. So I asked again, not so nicely. He started a tantrum as usual and said that he'll only listen to requests if they're made nicely. I told him that I had asked nicely . . . the first time (not to mention that I shouldn't have to ask at all). He ignored this and again said that he'll only do something if I ask nicely and went back to doing whatever he was doing. I was practically in a rage at this point (much more cranky than usual because of the back) and knew I would not be able to "ask nicely" in the state I was in. So, I called my mother and asked her to ask him nicely. He was so embarrassed after speaking with her that he complied immediately. And how's this for a dash of hypocrisy: We're going camping tomorrow and I casually mentioned that HE'D be doing ALL the work (setting up the tent, getting firewood, making a fire) since I do all the work around the house. He looked and me and said very seriously that it wasn't fair (as usual) and that he also thought the lifting might actually make my back feel BETTER. He was completely serious (and he's the one that wants to go camping in the first place!) Jennalemon: Tried your dish tip, very smart!

Back from camping.

Whenever we go anywhere, camping included, we have to pack separate amenities (including food) and nothing can be shared.  It's the strangest thing, but this is what he demands.  I think it has to do with his obsession with "fairness".  If we bring separate amenities then no one can unfairly use more than the other than if we had collective items.  Unfortunately this time I forgot toilet paper.  Going number two in the woods is bad enough, but when you have no toilet paper?  It's terrible.  My boyfriend on the other hand brought an insane amount of toilet paper for a two day trip and of course refused to let me have even a square.  I ended up holding it the whole time because of it.  By the time we were packing up to leave he still had an insane amount of toilet paper and still would not share.  His response only that he needed to "conserve" it though I pointed out we were now leaving.  Instead of driving us home, he stopped on the way to eat at a Bistro that had no public bathroom.  Then instead of driving us home, he stopped at his parents' house.  I won't go into detail, but his parents aren't people whose home you'd feel comfortable pooping in.  Finally, I had enough and demanded that he let me take the car home and he could get a ride (15 minutes away) so that I could go to the bathroom whereupon he informed me that he was "getting pretty sick of me on a fundamental level."  These were his words to me.  Now you may think that I had been complaining and harping the whole time about having to go, but that's not in my nature.  This was the first I had said anything to him.  I just don't even have the words anymore . . . 

The creeps

One of two things:

1. He is an imp.  He is trying to see how far he can push you until you explode.  Which is what he wants.  The exitement of the fight is invigorating.  He would like nothing more than for you to call him a jerk, and any other horrendous names you could call him.  He likes to "pull your strings" to see what sort of reaction you will give him.  Obviously he is not afraid of losing you for whatever reason. He likes to play this game.  He knows he can win....he knows you like him. The other game he is playing is, "How far can I go and still get away with it?".  Regular people don't have to have this combative relationship to keep them interested.  In fact, if you are like me, we want cooperation and sharing, building and caring.  He doesn't want that.  You have to ask yourself, "Why did he pick me to be with, if he wants to treat me like this? If he wants to fight, why didn't he choose to be with someone who is into his form of verbal and passive aggressive sparring?

2. If he is the sort who just likes to be the mean general and you get to play his lowly staff, you have to ask yourself what sort of a life is that for you?  The toilet paper incident alone is worth walking (no running) away. He knew you were in pain but let you be in pain for what reason?  To prove a point?  Or to see how much he could hurt you?

He is just not that into you so he is playing you. This is not ADD/ADHD.  It is creepy. Do I hear a door slamming?  I hope so.

dear, what are you doing?

Caroline, I will say that I think your words, "This was the first I had said anything to him," are important. No one wants to complain or harp, but it sounds like you rode and suffered for quite a while. Just asking, because this could be a communication issue. Seriously. His ADHD or whatever may not have connected that you asking for paper earlier meant you needed to go badly. What would happen if you had said, "Stop the car at the next rest stop, please. I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW."

That said, please, please understand what you are dealing with before you continue in a relationship with this guy. It's pretty hard to read the experience you just related and not think that there is something pretty off. I can't imagine anyone not sharing toilet paper with his significant other, or another human being, for that matter. The way he spoke to you was pretty disrespectful. He throws tantrums when you ask him to do chores and won't clean or pick up after himself? Dear, what are you doing with this guy? Is he the nicest, sweetest guy in the entire world (doesn't sound like it)? Because otherwise, what makes you think you deserve to have to settle for a guy who treats you like this? 

Trust me. You said that complaining is "not in your nature." You sound like a very kind, funny, thoughtful person. Are you letting him be mean to you and run all over you just to keep the peace? It sounds like he has a pretty sweet deal--he gets to hoard his own supplies and throw tantrums while you shop, cook, clean, and take care of him. What do you get out of it? 

Best to you. 

Ok, this would be a deal-breaker for me...

I am the one with ADHD in my marriage but I would NEVER force my spouse/significant other to go without toilet paper! Didn't you have any books or anything? I would have used a page out of a book (who needs to know the copyright details?) or, to quote my DH while we traveled through Europe upon exiting the men's room at a train station: "We weren't planning to go to Stuttgart, were we?"

The separate amenities thing is nuts. I'm sorry. it's nuts! I'm really glad you are not married.... Just sayin'.... and the mind-f*ck he did stopping twice on the way home. WTF?????

Undomesticated, does not play well with others.

I have to agree for the most part with the prior posts. 

The camping trip incident doesn't seem like ADHD, communications difficulties or not, because of this part:  "nothing can be shared.  ... this is what he demands" - demands or what will happen?  Another tantrum? I wonder if he gets away with this behavior with other people, and what you are getting out of this relationship (relationships are supposed to add to life, not detract).  This behaviour is infantile and completely unreasoning.  Were any other people around at all during the entire time? I think I might have said, very clearly (so no ADHD miscommunication excuse) "If you will not allow me some toilet paper then I am going to walk right over to those people and ask them if they possibly have some that they can spare. And if they ask me whether you need some too then I will say 'No, he has his own'" And then if he refused I would have done it. 

He is looking for a mother, and right now you are it.  But he resents you for it, so he behaves like an unsocialized toddler.  ADHD is neither excuse nor reason for this, something else is going on. This behaviour will not change until he is motivated to change it, and obviously he is not.  Caroline, there probably aren't many adults on the planet who have not fallen for the wrong person at least once, but you do not have to live this way.  Maybe he is insanely rich and that is why you're staying, or the sex is great, or something?  But do you see yourself living like this in 5 years, 10 years, when he is 80? With children? Married? Please think carefully.

If you really, really want to move forward with him then it might be an idea to make him live alone for a while so that he does some growing up. He is 36, it is time for it, don't you think?

I don't want to move forward with him.

I don't want to move forward with him and I've known that for a while.  The reason I am still here is because I got myself sort of stuck here, financially etc.  I got laid off from my job and I am having so much trouble finding another one.  My savings are dwindling and I can't afford to live alone.  I'm looking for a roommate situation which isn't as common where I live since it's so rural.  I have no family I can stay with and I don't have any friends around here.  I feel I'm just biding my time and trying to endure him for as long as possible which is difficult because one of his favorite things to say to me on a daily basis is: " Well, if you don't like it leave!" as if I could just *poof* snap my fingers and disappear (believe me, if I could I would).  When I finally get another job, any job (the job market is especially tough in the state I live in) I will begin saving immediately and away I'll go. 

I realize how his behavior appears sociopathic, but it's hard to explain.  A sociopath behaves selfishly with an awareness of the fact that they are selfish and hurtful.  In fact, many derive pleasure from it.  While his behavior is similar to a sociopath's he doesn't seem to "get" that his behavior is incredibly selfish or hurtful and when I tell him that it is, he thinks I'm just being too "sensitive".  On rare occasions where OTHER people (who weren't me) explained to him that his behavior was hurtful to me he seemed to understand it and genuinely feel bad.  He really just thinks I'm always full of sh*t so when I say his behavior is wrong or hurtful, he doesn't believe it.  I am starting to try and figure out if he likes conflict because it is stimulating.  It seems like sometimes yes and sometimes no.  He HATES conflict most of the time.  He wants things to be happy, happy, happy all the time and goes NUTS when someone tries to argue with him or express displeasure about ANYTHING remotely related to him. 

And yes, when I say "demand" I do mean he will throw a raging tantrum until he gets his way.  You are right to say that I am keeping the peace by compromising myself.  But, really, at this point I can't figure out what's worse.

I'm just sharing what I'm going through so other's can feel they aren't alone, as I often feel when reading all y'all's posts.  I'm really grateful for this forum, without it, I'd lose my mind I'm certain of it.

Today, after cleaning the house as usual I again asked him with a pretty flat/neutral affect to remember to clean up after himself.  Because I realized that I spend so much extra time cleaning up his messes rather than just doing general cleaning.  He spun around and told me that no other place he's lived with any other woman has ever been as dirty as this so it must be me whose making all the mess.  Aside from the fact that he told me, plus I know from other sources, that the two other girlfriends he had were complete slobs.  I had to spend two weeks cleaning the house we currently live in after him and his last girlfriend lived here (they both moved out at the same time to their respective parent's houses (its an inherited house) so when we both moved here together it was left as it was when he was living here with his last girlfriend.  I won't even describe to you how it was.   Then he comes in to apologize and tell me that he understands that I "must just have PMS".  Unbelievable. 

practical concerns

This sounds like life with my ex.  I chose to stay, even when I could have gone, because it was more advantageous for me to do so.  I had educational goals. 

The relationship started with him having the  "upper hand" in terms of a place to live, etc.  Early on, I started earning a decent wage and was able to add that leverage to my side of the relationship.  I was also willing to share with him.  I figured that we could be partners - I loved him and he loved me.  For awhile.

When you receive brow-beating after brow-beating day after day, it starts to take a toll.  A good relationship can start on a foundation of practical concerns, but without mutual consideration, one or both "partners" will find themselves looking for the earliest opportunity to leave.

You are in a very difficult position, but it may be easier for  you to  make the break because you have  a clear view of the situation. Whatever love you had appears to have died awhile ago.

        L

If you love...

"If you love something,

       set it free

               If it returns to you

                                 It is yours

     IF IT DON"T,  HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!"

                             That is human nature, with or without ADHD. 

                 L

Very difficult

I think there are lots of people who would have left long ago if it were financially simple. Alas, it rarely is. Can you expand your job search out  of state? Some companies will help you move, but even if they don't it can be pretty cheap. Ideal if you found something near family or friends where you might be able to stay. Being laid off is awful. Next time he suggests you leave, ask him to finance it...  Good luck.

And the really hard part is . . .

The really hard part is that "normal" advice does not work.  This advice assumes that the person you are using certain "strategies" on is a somewhat sane, respectful, semi-caring person.  For instance, people always tell me that if he won't pick up after himself then to pile his mess on top of something he uses daily so he'll have to deal with the mess in order to access whatever it is.  Don't get me wrong, a lot of men have trouble cleaning up after themselves.  This advice works pretty well for the majority of those men.  Unfortunately, when I tried this method, he freaked out and threw a gigantic semi-violent tantrum about not being able to access his stuff.  This scared me from ever trying it again.  I realize that being scared off just reinforces his behavior which is part of the reason he always uses that as a last resort and therefore always gets his way (the one who plays dirty always wins).  I just can't stand violent yelling and screaming.  I have PTSD from having a father who did that.  Also, it's embarrassing because I'm afraid the neighbors can hear when the windows are open.  I also don't know how far he'll go with these tantrums and I don't want to end up hurt or have my stuff broken.  It's sad to admit, but I am actually quite afraid of him.  He's never laid a hand on me, but part of me wonders if that's just because I've always known better than to push him to that point.  Which means, he'll always win any and every argument and he knows this.  He probably uses violent yelling tantrums not because that's who he is, but because after "trying it out" unconsciously once to see if it worked, it did because of my PTSD  so he continues to do it.  He always has to get his way and he always has to win every argument.  I know he has ADHD, he was diagnosed and medicated as a child but I do realize that he must also have some other co-morbid personality disorder.  And, like I said, there isn't really a part of him that is aware of just how hurtful and terrible this behavior is.  Not in the way that a sociopath is aware of it but doesn't care.  It's like he's constantly fighting some enemy that isn't really there but the way he fights is to always make sure he's on top.  Always winning.  Always right.

Here is an example from today to show just how unaware and selfish he is:

Like I said, I have untreated PTSD from growing up in a house with a father who had a violent temper (never physically harmed anyone though).  This of course has now been exacerbated by living with my "boyfriend".  He is using our living room as a workshop instead of using the actual workshop he has in another location.  There are a lot of loud noises that come from the living room while he's working and it often startles me because part my PTSD is a hyper vigilance about noises (i.e. is someone beginning a tantrum?).  I often close the door when he is working so the noises don't freak me out.  He asked me today why I close the door.  I explained about the PTSD and his and my dad's tantrums.  Instead of understanding that and having an awareness that he's part of the problem, he whined that he likes when I keep the door open so he can "be closer to me".  He doesn't seem to realize that he's the agent that is causing the thing he does want.  Like maybe if he stopped his tantrums, my PTSD would get better and I could leave the freaking door open!  Just no awareness what-so-ever.  Just me, me, me.  All the time.  Maybe he has a unique disorder, I'll call it: Pathological Oblivious Self-absorption.  POS.

How

Can one survive in a relationship like this?  I know that there are more issues at stake than ADHD, but ADHD certainly doesn't help.

I certainly think that people need to be held accountable for their behavior, but when the partner depends upon the other for practical support, it is really hard to break out of the pattern.  When you have feelings for your ABUSIVE  partner, even harder to detach enough to play the role of parole officer to the manipulative behaviors.

Ok, I said "ABUSIVE". 

 Been there, done that.   No matter how much I love him and how stimulating our contact is, I gotta set limits. I am lucky that I don't depend on him for practical stuff. I have stepped away and although I think of him everyday, I cannot make up the difference when he chooses to "OPT OUT" of a relationship where he has to take some responsibility. 

If I try to make choices for him at this stage, I will never stop.  That's about me and my needs.  But with practical considerations at hand, my choices were different.  And for good reasons.

Hope you find support here. It has been a saving grace for me.

L

Off

Caroline, I am glad to hear that you recognize that something is really off with this man and that he is not healthy for you. Your description gave me chills, as I processed you living with a volatile guy while you have PTSD and no money. 

My two cents: get out of there however you can, as soon as you can. One of these days you are not going to walk on eggshells the right way and he is going to escalate. And your PTSD is just going to get worse, which you don't deserve. He may not be doing it consciously, but make no mistake, he is abusive and manipulative. How nice for him that he has figured out how to get every one of his needs met, throwing tantrums and all.

I see the picture now and take back what I said about the toilet paper sharing-- if you had been more insistent about stopping he may have gone off on you. 

I wouldn't wish financial insecurity on anyone, but please consider moving or getting a job with housing provided (nanny?) or anything you can to get out of there. Have a shelter number and money he can't touch stashed away. Go visit someone far away to clear your head and make a plan. I am sending you best wishes. 

Something is definitely off. I'm outta here!

You guys are really perceptive.  This whole time I was just assuming his behavior was simply ADHD symptoms but what a few of you said really got me thinking about how different some of his behaviors are from typical ADHD and that there might also be another disorder running at the same time.  I have been doing some research into psychopathy and there are many places on the spectrum for this disorder, not just serial killer types.  I'm starting to think he may lie borderline on the spectrum somewhere near the beginning.  The final exclamation point to my conjecture occurred last night when I took a terrible fall in the bathroom and smashed myself up pretty good.  I'm ok.  Got a banged up knee and bruised face, but his reaction (or lack thereof) was shocking and would not be typical of someone who just has ADHD and is just distracted.  He was in our back bedroom when it happened so he didn't hear the commotion, but I came out and sat in our living room teary and shaken up and applying various ice packs.  When he came into the living room, he took one look at me and asked me if he could begin repairing my computer so he could use it.  He didn't ask what had happened.  He didn't ask if I was ok.  He then went into the kitchen and asked me if I was going to put the vacuum away any time soon.  I don't believe he is a malicious person as many psychopaths are but he apparently has serious problems with feeling empathy or feeling really any kind of emotion at all besides anger and frustration.  I'm leaving as soon as possible.  Thank you all for your insights and support.

Best wishes

I'm so sorry you were hurt. And then ignored. I do wish you the best transition possible.

Borderline

I'm no doctor, but have been through what seems like eons of therapy, for dealing with my DH (ADHD) and my dad, who like yours, was very explosive....to me, what you describe sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.  Look it up (if you still even care) and see what you think when you read the signs and symptoms.  If it is BPD, I think you are on the right road....right the heck outta there.

I'll tell you this....me and my DH have had some EPIC fights...EPIC I'm telling you, and over nothing either one of us is particularly proud of, but one thing he would NEVER do is allow me to truly suffer (i.e., your toilet paper situation, or ignoring the fact you were sitting there covered with icepacks and crying).  I personally don't think that's ADHD symptoms.

I'm sorry to sound so judgmental and opinionated, or like I know it all, but reading your entire page of posts here, I want to just tell you to come live with me/us.  My DH hasn't worked in 2 years (another subject for another time) BUT, he has kept our house very tidy (not exactly *clean* per se, as in white glove clean, but very livable and presentable) and does the dishes, the laundry, sweeps, mops, keeps the yard up, etc etc, because he likes to stay busy--no question at all my DH has the "hyperactivity" part of the disorder. I have a two-hour-one-way commute to work, so he feels like he is doing something for me, because he LOVES me.  Like someone else above said, sounds like your partner just wants another mom/zookeeper.  RUN, HONEY, RUN!!! I don't have a dog in the hunt, but I am SO glad you have not made the mistake to marry this joker.

I wish you much Hope and Love Caroline!!!  Stay strong Girl!!!  oh, that's another thing....when he picks up on the aura/whatever it is that they pick up on, that you are in the mindframe of seriously leaving him, oh Sweetie prepare yourself...it will be like when you first met and started dating, and he will promise you the moon AND the planets.  Don't buy it. Stick to your guns. They never change (without wanting to).

Best of Luck, Dear.

Mine refuses to empty the

Mine refuses to empty the bathroom trashes because I "make most of the trash." -_-

never mind that I pick up his shoes and socks from the floor, clean up his dishes, do all the regular cleaning myself...

I feel ya.