Here I am plodding towards another lonely Christmas. Nothing has changed while HB has been away from me, in fact he has gotten a lot worse. His defensiveness is now off the scale. His family are indifferent and allow him to live with and off their elderly mother without challenge. When he has our youngest, he rings he constantly to complain about his behaviour. He also allowed him to go to the park alone (aged 10 in central London) and sleeps until 11am, leaving the child to wander around calling me frequently to ask what to do. He is off the scale angry, regularly sends texts that give me pain, and is generally in deeper denial than ever. He told me he was going to get a proper assessment, but I have received no communication about adding my input which he said would happen, and his denial seems to me to mean he is not allowing the idea of his problems to impinge. He is also smoking a great deal of cannabis, which seems to make his memory and effectiveness even worse. I really don't know what to do, and feel very low sitting here as usual running things single handed, and without family support. He asked me to see a marital counsellor with him, which I thought was a good sign. But it seems he only wanted her to confirm that I was the problem; then he refused to pay on the grounds that he has 'no money' - ie refuses to get a job. So that was the end of that. Although I don't have to live with the shocks of his numerous 'mistakes' every day, I still am very stressed by what I have been through and very sad for my children.

(((HUGS))) I wish I had

(((HUGS))) I wish I had some words of wisdom to share...I feel the pain in your words. I hope you can detach from this and stop waiting for him to do something in order for you to get on with your life. You must start living your life as if he will NEVER change. If he does get help, great. If not, then it is completely out of your hands. 

Maybe his worsening anger is coming from his assessments and such...maybe he is getting them and they are telling him things he does not want to hear? Just something to consider. Manage the parts of it you can (his time with the kids, his not allowing the kids to go to the park alone) and let go of the rest. It really is out of your control. You'll kill yourself worrying about it.


Linsy's picture

Thank you

I have spent the whole of this year trying to get on with my life, and am determined that 2012 is the year that sees things get better in this area. I have had some bad luck this year, and in spite of enormous efforts, have not made traction with some vital projects. The good side is that I am far less tense all the time, and the mood swings are less frequent. I go to a women's group which also helps. You are right of course in the idea that I must detach, but my mind can't help its wandering and wondering about what on earth it was all for. We all want to be loved and I now believe that I never was, which is rather disheartening - like living half your life again, seen from another perspective. What am I for exactly? I have no idea.

All good wishes to you you, Sherri and thank you for replying.