For everyone here... I feel that I don't have much to say at this forum any more, since my spouse's issue, as has been diagnosed, is not really add, but actually a personality disorder.
In all honesty, I suspect that is the case with many of the "add" folks being discussed here, and I have so much empathy for you all!
My own course of action was to release all control over the situation, since that control was only an illusion, at best. I stepped away from the madness and filed for legal separation.
Rather than taking this as a signal to move forward into healing, my spouse has chosen to escalate the separation into divorce. In actuality, nothing has changed at the heart level, other than now he is making official what has always been the case: he only had use for me as long as I had no voice, no identity of my own.
By the grace of God, I am learning how to be more healthy myself and to find fulfillment apart from marriage, or "doing". Now it is about learning how to "be". Myself.
Anyhow, there's a free app available for phones, with Melody Beatty's daily meditations from her book The Language of Letting Go. I absolutely love this little app and the daily message has helped me so much. Not sure which phones can get it, but iphones, for sure. Here is today's installment, along with hopes and prayers that we all will find great peace and new joy.
Sometimes, the holidays are filled with the joy we associate with that time of year. The season flows. Magic is in the air.
Sometimes, the holidays can be difficult and lonely.
Here are some ideas I’ve learned through personal experience, and practice, to help us get through difficult holidays
Deal with feelings, but try not to dwell unduly on them. Put the holidays in perspective: A holiday is one day out of 365. We can get through any 24-hour period.
Get through the day, but be aware that there may be a post-holiday backlash. Sometimes, if we use our survival behaviors to get through the day, the feelings will catch up to us the next day. Deal with them too. Get back on track as quickly as possible.
Find and cherish the love that’s available, even if it’s not exactly what we want. Is there someone we can give love to and receive love from? Recovering friends? Is there a family who would enjoy sharing their holiday with us? Don’t be a martyr; go. There may be those who would appreciate our offer to share our day with them.
We are not in the minority if we find ourselves experiencing a less-than-ideal holiday. How easy, but untrue, to tell ourselves the rest of the world is experiencing the perfect holiday, and we’re alone in conflict.
We can create our own holiday agenda. Buy yourself a present. Find someone to whom you can give. Unleash your loving, nurturing self and give in to the holiday spirit.
Maybe past holidays haven’t been terrific. Maybe this year wasn’t terrific. But next year can be better, and the next a little better. Work toward a better life—one that meets your needs. Before long, you’ll have it.
God, help me enjoy and cherish this holiday. If my situation is less than ideal, help me take what’s good and let go of the rest.
Quoted from the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
Submitted by c ur self on
I have always enjoyed sharing thoughts with you...I sure hope things go well for you!...You're comment about learning to "Be myself" is so important...I know in my life it has been....When I allow behaviors (not the wise kind) to bend me against my convictions it never works well...
Also there is much wisdom in your comment concerning the Illusion of Control, for me any way:)...I think it's easy to get caught in this trap (seeking to help someone get the right view of life) But, that usually doesn't work out so well either....So, if I just do as you say...Just be myself...It usually works out so much better...
Happy New Year!
Thank you, c ur self
Submitted by Standing on
I've learned alot from you and I appreciate your well-wishes!
I'm deeply hurt that my husband does not want to know me for who I am, but there's nothing I can do to change that. I really am not sure that he is capable of knowing anyone, so that helps to not take it so personally.
My counselor says that my husband's driving force, his only mission right now, is to protect his "baby", the business that he has created. I've known for some time that he would toss me under the bus, HAS done, actually, for the sake of that. It's the only thing in his life at which he has ever experienced "success" (again, per counselor). Mentally, I can understand that. As a wife, I cannot accept it and remain in a full marriage with him. I do pray for change, though. Each day, I get down on my knees and ask God to let me see my husband through His eyes. I used to ask God to wake him up and make him see what he's doing, but now I just ask that God cover him with His love, and mercy, and goodness. It is the goodness of God that leads men to repentance. It was time for me to stop trying to be God in my husband's life :)
Happy New Year to you!
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm sorry for your deep hurt, I understand it. At the end of the day, marriage, and two being one is a gift, but it also takes giving, sharing, and nurturing....A beautiful marriage reminds me of a beautiful rose garden...If we don't weed it, it will gradually be choked out and die...As Son's and Daughters we are only defined by one person, Jesus!....
One cannot do it, no matter our efforts!....Peace Sister!
Submitted by Standing on