Circus update...

Well either this is the "it gets worse before it gets better" or the end one of the two!  Another blow up by my DH last night, all over reading a book.  I have been reading Melissa's book again; so last night I am sitting there reading while DH was on the computer and he asked me what I was reading.  I told him it was the ADHD and relationships book and commented that a lot of it really makes sense and I liked how it was written because it doesn't blame anyone and it is written from both perspectives, so each partner can see where the other one is coming from.  He seemed a bit interested so I simply told him (in a very nonconfrontational manner, just kinda like it was an afterthought) "we could read it together if you wanted to".  He flew into a fit, yelling that "I have bigger things to think about than ADHD and I'm working on my stuff, I just don't need to talk to you or anyone else about it", "you are trying to fix something that isn't broken again", "one of these days your gonna realize that nothing was wrong with our relationship and its gonna be too late", and my favorite "your so lucky I'm still here, I have given you more chances than I have ever given anyone.  I would have already left someone else".  Then I got the usual, "I have had this for 31 years and dealt with it just fine, I don't need any damn book or shrink and neither do you", "you married me this way, deal with it" and "you have no idea how close I am to being done with you and all this crap".  I'm lucky because he has given me a million chances?????  What about all the chances he has gotten!!!!  I'm not perfect by any means but I'm soooo sick of everything being my fault!!

This morning he refused to go to class again, because he was "tired".  More like he didn't do any homework last night and had nothing to turn in, but of course that is my fault too.  He couldn't do his homework because I "upset him" and all he could think of was smoking and he couldn't smoke "because I am forcing him to quit".  I didn't say he had to quit, I just showed him the bank statement and explained (very calmly at that moment the other day) that there is no way to fit cigarettes into the budget.  I'm sure he has a check stuck somewhere, so he will bounce it to buy them when I'm not home.  So this morning when he decided not to go I just said ok and left, I wasn't fighting with him.  I don't even want to go home after work...I know that sounds awful but the tension was still horrible this morning.

Ok so I probably sound like a complete bitchy, whiner...but I needed to get it out.  Thanks for letting me vent!

~~HUGS to all~~

Two subjects that are taboo

Two subjects that are taboo around here right now...ADHD and my SD. Bringing either up almost ensures a fight. I wouldn't worry about going home, it is your home too. Go home and pretend as if nothing ever happened. HE is REALLY trying to bring you down and control you. I don't know whether he feels or believes the things he said, but bottom line, you have to withdraw from this kind of situation/behavior and just let him rant to the wall. I KNOW where his mind is...or at least I have lived in your shoes and been on the receiving end of that attitude. Even if you THINK he MIGHT, JUST MAYBE SEEM a little open to admitting his ADHD is an issue..he isn't. He attacked you because he felt attacked by your comments. To you and me it seems like a VERY VERY unfair over-reaction, but where his mind is at right now I bet he didn't see it that way. Bite your tongue...literally if you have to...just don't focus on his ADHD right now. I confess, I had Melissa's book, read it, and then gave it to a friend of mine who was struggling really badly. I didn't even ask him to read it after the initial couple of times I mentioned it. I truly think you'll benefit from a little detachment right now.

Cigarettes - being able to afford them - has been a big issue for us in the past couple of years too. I would bet that he feels you are 100% responsible for him not being able to smoke, and isn't believing that it is about money. He probably sees it as being about you wanting to control him. That might be where some of his anger was coming from last night.

welllllll....

Well he didnt bounce a check, in fact he hasnt had a cigarette (that I know of) since Sunday...thats the good news.  The bad news is he completely forgot to get groceries for dinner while he was at the grocery store (didnt forget to get pizza and red bull though).  He claims he never told me he was making dinner after he promised me that seeing I was working 12 hours yesterday he would.  But that doesnt even touch the really bad news!  He left his FB open and I saw that he was messaging two different women (I swear he leaves it open on purpose so he can blame me when he gets caught).  The first one he doesnt know, but "wants to get to know better", as she is moving to a town near us and the second is someone he knew in high school and he "wants to hang out with and see if they hit it off", with the offer of her moving in with him if they do.  In both cases he told them his marriage was a BIG MISTAKE (yes he used capitals) and he wants out.  He wants someone he "can have a family with" and I (being his current wife) am not a good fit.  The second one he got her number and called her so I dont know the rest of the conversation.  This is in addition to the chick he was already talking to. 

So now what do I do?????  1.) Admit I saw the emails, get blamed for "hacking his account"/snooping and have him leave me.  2.) Ignore it and hope it was an impulsive thing and he didnt really mean it. Funny...what he said he was most upset about the other night when we had the argument was that he was trying to do the right thing and I wasnt seeing that.  He told me "Im not cheating, Im not flirting or hitting on chicks and im not on dating sites or porn, what more do you want?"!  It was ALL lies!!!!   It killed me to know he had done this and then sit with him, talking to the ministers (during bible study last night) about being baptized and what it meant to be in the church.  I slept maybe 15 minutes all night....he cant have it both ways!!!!  I love him so very much, I want this to work, but I'm not seeing how its going to.

Lady...I am so sorry. I am

Lady...I am so sorry. I am trying to reel in my emotions here...so PLEASE forgive me if I say something to upset you. I am just being honest.

I wonder why you feel AFRAID to confront him about this when HE is doing something so wrong. I snoop. I snoop sometimes because HE HAS CHEATED ON ME!!! I NEVER snooped before he cheated. Let me make it clear...I DO NOT CARE HOW MAD HE WOULD BE OR HOW FAST HIS ASS RAN OUT THE DOOR if I found something like this, you bet your ass I would confront him about it. Gone. My DH would be gone. Period. A one night stand with his ex, and a 2 month affair with an old friend (and other things I never have been able to confirm) is ENOUGH...for me. No more. WHY would you even give a flying rats ass whether or not he is mad? Why would you accept this from your husband? I DO believe that cheating is somehow related (for some with ADHD) to impulse control...but this kind of non-chalant, everyday kind of bullshit where he's talking up two different girls in one day would be THE END for my marriage. God help my DH if the day ever came that he BLAMED me for finding out he had cheated. God help him if he ever cheats again. He knows I snoop. Like it or not, it is a bed he created and one he better get comfy in. I do not do it much at all anymore, but when I did do it, he said nothing.

I know you have to follow your own heart...but I am really sad that you are worried about HIM being mad when he is doing this to you. I KNEW his explosions at you were fueled by his own guilt. He has a problem. I'm not saying this cannot be fixed, but it would take a LOT of hard work and the question is do you think he's even willing to try? I know my DH feeds off of attention of other women...but so help me God if I ever found out it ran to this magnitude, there would be nothing left to discuss. THIS is THE boundary that I will never tolerate him crossing again. So, please take everything I have said with the thought in mind that I AM emotional about this kind of thing. YOU deserve better. ((HUGS))

I dont know that he has cheated again.....

All three of the women live 200+ miles away.  He is just talking to them on FB and the phone......which I guess is just as bad.  I'm afraid because I wanted this to work out, I wanted us to be happy again and if I confront him and he leaves it wont.  I love him to death, I dont want to lose him...yeah I know it sounds pathetic and weak, but I cant help it.  He does have a problem, but even if he leaves me I dont think he will ever realize it!  I am the longest relationship (and only marriage) he has had and he will just move on to the next one when things get rough (with whoever is after me) just like he used to.  The counselor told him he has a problem...thats why he stopped going to see him, he is convinced NOTHING is wrong with him.  He admits he has ADHD but has decided that everyone needs to "deal with it or quit being around him".

I do now think that the going to church and bible study were just a cover.  I dont think he was ever serious....how can you be serious about that and also be planning to leave your wife at the same time.  I think it was a way to stay looking like the "good guy", so he could say look at all the good stuff I was doing and she still left.  I dont know, really Im so numb at the moment I'm just here.  I slept like 15 minutes last night!  Sherri....Keep praying for us, ok?  We need it more than ever!!!

Thanks again Sherri for listening to me ramble, I appreciate it!  ~~HUGS~~

 

At the very least I would let

At the very least I would let him know that I know. I would let him know that you're taking some time to sort through your feelings, and NO WAY I would listen to any ranting or anger he had. He needs to know that you know. As long as he is 'getting away with it' it won't stop. You are NEVER EVER going to have any happiness in this marriage until you learn to let go of the fear of him leaving. This is a very serious issue by all accounts and you REALLY need to learn to stand up for your rights. To me, your fear of confronting him is as big of an issue as his ADHD. I have known the feeling of fear that someone would leave, so I do understand. I hope you can find the strength to demand more for yourself. In my book, this is cheating...but I know we are all different in that too. The pain of not being FIRST in someone's life is far greater to me than the pain of not having them at all. :-(

I am praying for you...praying for wisdom for you to handle the situation in the best way, strength to face the fear of losing him knowing that God does not expect you to sit quietly and tolerate this sin (according to the Bible, this is adultery), but that God CAN turn this around. I am praying that God gives you what you need, today, to get through..today.

Maybe

Maybe its the fear of all that I lose if he leaves.  I lose my family....the girls I have helped raise for the last 6 years, his parents and siblings.  I am estranged from my family (happened way before my DH) and these people just opened their arms and accepted me and loved me for who I am.  But you cant go to Christmas dinner when your husband and his gf will be there......  I dont want to lose these people!

I feel like I'm stuck in a tunnel with a oncoming train....and no way to get out.  I forgave him the other times hes cheated and generally been inappropriate with other women.  But that was when I thought he was trying to get a handle on his impulses and issues.  Now I dont know what to think!

Confusion and fear are

Confusion and fear are probably the only things I 'felt' for a very, very long time. My anger masked them quite well, but deep down I was a terrified little girl. Don't beat yourself up because you don't know what to do. Who would? I mean my reaction would be packing his bags and setting them on fire on the lawn...but that's not ideal either. Just breathe. Just try and give yourself some time to gather your thoughts. Maybe find someone to talk to to help you sort through your fears and feelings and come up with a plan you feel comfortable with. Maybe just step away from the situation (emotionally) for a few days and see how you feel then. Nothing has to be resolved right now, and it certainly doesn't have to be resolved in a way that you aren't comfortable with. Keep praying for God's guidance...and the courage to face this. No matter what you decide, I really encourage you to find someone to help you work on your fears and get to a better place emotionally. I remember when I found out my DH had cheated, it almost never crossed my mind for him to leave...and for the longest time I asekd myself why that hadn't even been an option (in my mind, he does not know that I never really considered it) and now I know. I was afraid to be alone. I had lost my father just 3 weeks prior and just absolutely could not stomach the thoughts of losing anything/anyone else. There are other reasons, such as the remorse I saw in him (prior to me even finding out), and other things that led me to make the decision to not divorce him too, but 2 years down the road I now see how it may have given him reason to believe that it is something I would 'accept' and I REALLY worry about that. I cannot make it more clear to him that I WON'T...I am even the same person I was then, and my sympathy for him is almost non-existent because of his refusal to treat his ADHD...BUT..my point is that I understand 1000% what you are feeling and my prayer for you is for you to get from 'there'...to 'here'...where you demand better for yourself. You will, in time. In your own time. (((HUGS)))

Sherri

I wish...

I wish I had someone to talk this through with... :(  I have no one!  My family and I are estranged for reasons I wont go into on here, but they would not be supportive.  I have NO money for a counselor and no insurance now that I switched jobs so thats out the window. And I have no friends really, not anyone that I would trust enough to talk to them about this.  I know I could talk to my mil or sis in law but my mil is 200 miles away and my sis in law is 1000 miles away.  And they would feel the need to call him up and give him the "what for", because they love me and care about me.  Which would only make things that much worse.  Looks like your the lucky chosen ones...sorry that was my lame attempt at humor!

I do also think that my choosing to "work through things" and forgive him instead of kicking him to the curb has made him think that he can do whatever he wants.  And now when I try to set boundries he doesnt just step over them he takes a running leap.  Amazing I could work in juvenile detention centers but I cant stand up to my husband....some how thats just pathetic.

Thank you Sherri for your advice and prayers...I greatly appreciate them.

You have us and we ARE lucky!

You have us and we ARE lucky! :) Hang in there lady...one of my favorite quotes from the CoDependent No More book is "nothing is the end of the world except for the end of the world".

Outside perspective

Needsalifeline-

I don't know anything about your situation, only what I've read in this post.  So I'm going to ask a question- is your DH dealing with his ADHD? Trying to improve his behavior, or ignoring that it exists?  If he's dealing with it, I say keep working, suck it up, but I would definitely confront him about the messages. That's over the line.  If he's NOT dealing with the ADHD, I suggest that you ask yourself if you would tolerate that from someone who didn't have ADHD.  Because if the answer is no.. well.. he's not dealing with it, which means that the behavior is not going to improve.  The next step after you answer that question is up to you.. but I think it's a question that you need to be asking yourself, and you need to be honest with the answer.  The next step that you take needs to be for you, not for him.  I wish you luck, and I hope for both of your sakes that he is trying to work on his ADHD, and if he's not currently, maybe this will be the catalyst for that.

-Kalli

regretably no....

No Kalli, he is not working on anything...he was for a minute, but that minute is over.  He took himself off the meds (both for depression and ADHD) a couple months ago and stopped seeing the counselor.  He did start going to church and bible study, but Im beginning to think that was a "cover" for what he is really doing.  And yes I have kicked people who have done much less to the curb, I just have a very hard time doing it to him.  He has a long history being inappropriate with other women (see my previous posts), I just always seem to give him one more chance......dumb I know.  But I love him and I want this marriage to work, so I keep trying.  I really dont know what my next step is, no matter what I choose I lose!

What is cheating...

I noticed in your reply to Sherry that you mentioned that they both live 200+ miles away so you don't KNOW that he has cheated. I'm sorry, but I disagree with that.  My husband and I decided that 'cheating' is doing ANYTHING that we weren't comfortable telling the other person about.  Is he comfortable telling you about his facebook conversations? No? Then that's cheating. It's not physical, but sometimes this type of 'cheating' is even worse than the physical.  Like Sherry, my husband has cheated on me, before we were married.  He knows, and I know that if it were to EVER happen again it would be a deal breaker.  I think you can move past it if both parties are willing to work at it (we have moved past his previous indescretion, although, I too check his phone, facebook, emails, etc from time to time), but it doesn't sound like your husband is willing to work at anything.  Stop thinking of him, please. Think of yourself, what you deserve.  At one point I started to wonder if my husband hurt me more, or lifted me up more.  In my case he lifted me up more and made me happier more often than not.  But even that would be tossed out the window if he said to other women the things that your husband has said to those women.  I don't think it's dumb to hope that someone will change, to try to be the one to stick through it with them, but he will not change unless he tries! You need to confront that reality.  Again, what you do is up to you, whatever your next step is you will have support here.  And unfortunately it does look like you are in a lose-lose situation.  But (and I am NOT advocating for this, please don't misinterpret) if you choose to leave him, your 'losing' will hopefully only be temporary- eventually you will move on, hopefully find someone else, find happiness!  If you stay with him and he doesn't change his behavior/accept that HE is at fault, you will CONSTANTLY be having this battle with him. 

Good luck, and I hope you find a winning option.

Thoughts

Until the last couple of weeks I thought we had worked through it and moved past the infidelity and inappropriate behaviors with women.  In fact I thought we were on a very positive course, but it appears that was a smoke and mirrors game.  Dont get me wrong I am VERY angry with him and I feel like I have been run over by a mack truck, it hurts like hell.  I have always said I am still here because the postives in him have outweighed the negatives.  But now I just dont know......the only thing I know is I dont want anyone else, as crazy as that sounds.  I guess its a matter of setting boundries and getting him to realize I mean it without him leaving.  Probably isnt going to happen, but thats what I want.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings and offer your advice...I appreciate it and do appoligize for being such a downer lately.  Usually I am a pretty positive person!

~~HUGS~~

I think it sounds like the

I think it sounds like the worst part about that is that you were basically blindsided by it.  I'm going to echo (again) something that Sherri said. Step back. Sort things out for YOU. Figure out what you are really feeling.  You might need to talk to him a bit before you can really figure that out (I know I always need to talk to my DH. then step back and think about it and then revisit it again), but whatever you do going forward, I think you should really look into setting some boundaries. Something I've learned with my DH (and I think this is a man thing not an ADHD thing) is that I need to be VERY clear about my expectations, and about what the consequences will be should he not meet those.  And I don't think it sounds crazy that you don't want anyone else.  I cannot imagine being with anyone but my husband, and I hope I never get to that point... so I get where you are coming from on that.  I just don't want you to lose who you are, what makes you important and special, to accomodate him and his lack of willingness to change or compromise, to work on his issues.  And they are HIS issues. 

Also, something that worked for me was when my DH theatened to leave, I let him. I didn't protest.  My DH did that to me, very early on in our marriage, because that's what he saw growing up.  I told him that I was letting him leave. I'm NOT going to stop him if that is how he chooses to behave.  What I did was tell him how I would behave should he choose to leave- that he would never be allowed back in, locks would be changed, bank accounts would be seperated, I would move on.  It was horrible and I was (probably?) bluffing. But it worked. It stopped him in his tracks to know that I would not put up with that kind of threatening.  My DH was smart enough to stay, thankfully.   What a terrible way to live in a relationship, with the threat of them leaving always hanging over you.  How could you enjoy anything together without that being in the back of your head?!  I hope that if nothing else, you can get him to address that behavior because it is beyond cruel to continually threaten that.  It doesn't allow you to fully feel safe and secure with him because he might always leave; he needs to take that off the table.

If we could just talk...

If only I could just sit down with my DH and talk that would be amazing!  He doesnt like to talk about anything and believes everything I say is a personal attack on him...it always becomes a fight.  He will argue over anything, you could tell him the grass was green and he would argue it was pink or something.  And he REALLY doesnt like talking about anything with the two of us, he either accuses me of "trying to fix something that aint broken" or tells me that I am being too sensitive again.  Yesterday I made a comment about work and life in general on my FB and he was like "whats with the status on your FB?  Its directed at me isnt it!" and then he was pissed for the rest of the night.  It had NOTHING to do with him speciffically!!! 

I try to set boundries but he jumps right over them and I am not real great at the whole consequence thing.  He knows I dont want him to go and he knows I probably will never leave him, so bluffing isnt gonna work.  Thinking about it over the last day or so, I have been such a freakin doormat that I dont know what he would do if I actually tried to enforce something.  Kind of wondering where the strong person I used to be went....I can work with juvenilles, tell off anyone else but with him I walk on eggshells.  I really dont think my DH would be that smart and stay if I didnt stop him from leaving.  He would see it as his way out and another story to tell everyone how horrible I am, he would twist it so that it was my fault and he had no other choice.  I'm just soooo sick of being "the mistake".  I want to be his best friend again

I think you entire last

I think you entire last paragraph sums up a huge part of the problem for you. You have taught him how to treat you and he is going with it 100%. There has NEVER been a situation more blatantly clear that the change HAS to start with you.

I'm going to try and say this without it coming across as mean...because I certainly do not want it to come across that way because that is SO far from my intent. I will use myself as an example because believe you me, I GET this because I LIVED it. When I met DH I was a single mom with my own apartment and making my own bills. I was as independent as they came. I am stubborn and hard headed like my Daddy, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve like my Momma did. I believed that people were 'what you see is what you get'. When ADHD behaviors started showing up in my marriage, I was as blindsided as the rest of you guys. Remember...we were 13 years into our marriage before we knew he had ADHD. I made every classic mistake there was...I cried, I tried to talk to him, I sent scathing e-mails, I gave him the cold shoulder, and emotionally I completely lost it every time I thought our marriage was coming to an end. What resulted is...well...where you are today. Doormat. I questioned my own opinions and feelings because I was sure that he was right and I was just some evil dictator who only wanted to bring misery to those around her, who was incapable of loving people unconditionally ("accepting" faults...even when I KNEW those 'faults' HURT LIKE HELL!), and just felt completely crazy in general. No more indepedent Sherri. No more confident Sherri. No more happy, smiling Sherri. I had no idea what I felt, who I was, or if I could even trust my own f'in thoughts and feelings. I am NOT blaming anyone but myself for this, please know that. I did the best I could to survive everything, especially since we didn't know what we were dealing with. He repeatedly behaved in ways that hurt me because there were NEVER any consequences...except anger. EVERYTHING I HAD BECOME WAS EVERYTHING HE HATED IN A SPOUSE. Weak. Angry. Focused 100% on 'fixing the marriage' (controlling the chaos from my point of view). Insecure. Afraid. Walking on eggshells. Ironically, everything I had become I hated about myself too. *Because of his ADHD and your reactions to it, you are not the same person he married and the most digusting reality is that we pretty much become someone they absolutely do NOT want to be married to* Don't get me wrong, the feeling is often mutual, but you can see where this causes a snowball affect and things just go on and on and on...the worse they act, the weaker and more obsessed with fixing things we become, the more they can't stand us. I truly believe that is where you are. I also truly believe that the answer lies within YOU. Him having an epiphany and realizing "OMG, I have hurt her so badly with my behaviors and THAT is why she is the way she is...and if I just starte behaving better, then she'll turn herself around and become more like the person I married"..NOT GONNA HAPPEN. My DH ADMITTED, on more than one occasion, that he knew that he had driven me to be angry and bitter...but do you think he ever got his life together and made the changes necessary for me to lay down my anger and embrace our marriage again? Nope.

So, in a nutshell, you being a doormat is you being your own worst enemy right now. You being afraid to confront him is BAD. You have to know that. Also, conversationally, you are at the exact same place I was in my marriage a few months ago where there was ZERO conversation because everything that came from my mouth was an attack, in his mind. We would not talk for days, about anything substantial, and I would get overwhelmed with fear that SOMETHING had to change, we had to RESOLVE something...TODAY. And I would try to talk and within 30 seconds he was telling me to get the F out of his face and calling me horrible names and telling me how he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Fast forward to now, when I completely disengaged from him, detached lovingly, and just went on with my life, he seeks out conversation and calls and texts a lot more. I did NOTHING but just take ADHD and my marriage off of the table for now and focused on ME. I know I've said it before, but as a true 'non' who has learned this behavior well, I will repeat it because I TRULY feel it applies 1000% to you and your current situation...I want to get healthy, emotionally, and I KNOW that the things I was accepting, the way I was questioning my own thoughts and feelings based on what others were telling me, and the way I stayed anxiety ridden to the point of not being able to function was something *I* CAN change...so I made that my focus and that is why I let everything else go for the time being. Until you are strong enough to say "I won't tolerate this behavior and if you insist on continuing it, then you have to leave" then you are NOT in any position to be trying to deal with your marriage. FIX YOU, then worry about what he's doing. You have to be able to enforce those consequences, no matter how bad it feels, or you are basically doomed to live this life...and I suspect, eventually, HE will leave.

Praying!

Sherri

You have completely described me....

..........Weak. Angry. Focused 100% on 'fixing the marriage' (controlling the chaos from my point of view). Insecure. Afraid. Walking on eggshells.  Its pathetic really, I dont even leave the house without worrying the entire time Im gone about what he is doing or who he is talking to....and that in itself sucks!  I should be happy to go and do stuff and instead I will make up every excuse in the book not to.  You being afraid to confront him is BAD. You have to know that...I am completely aware its bad, but I just dont have the energy to fight.  And really to tell you the truth it goes back to the being weak thing....I dont want him to leave so if I dont confront him he won't.  Not logical thinking, but hey I have been dealing with this for the last 3 years (been married 3, together 6) and probably before that too but he was gone so much working that I didnt notice.  Logic seems to have gone out the window.

When I met my DH I was as independent as they come: a single mom of two boys (one with ADHD), had a great job, did my own thing and NO ONE told me what to do or I was the one that would show them to the door (ask my ex husband) I didnt put up with anyones shit at all.  I'm soooo my Daddy's daughter with a little of my grandma thrown in...lol  Now I have no idea who this person is....I look in the mirror and get completely disgusted.  I agree with you 100% that I have to fix me, but where the hell do I start....I seem to have screwed this up since the beginning and Im not even sure how.  How do you get from completely independent to pathetic????

My question to you is how did you "detach lovingly"?  I guess I'm having a hard time with how you get to a place that isnt either totally shutting him out or being a "doormat".  I'm sure counseling would work wonders for me, but a lack of cash makes that impossible.  I want things to get better, I want him to be my best friend again!  So now the plan needs to be how to get there...... So any ideas you can give me would be wonderful!  ~~~HUGS~~~

 

PS. Thank you soooo much for taking the time to help me with this...your awesome!!!!! 
 

Hon, I think you should just

Hon, I think you should just start small.  Tell him something that YOU need for you to feel happy.  Not big grand things like "please stop exhibiting adhd symptoms" or "do X every day", but something small like asking him to rub your feet, draw up a bubble bath for you, running a load of laundry, whatever.   Start small with something that's only for you that he can help you with. I know that laundry wouldn't normally fit in that category, but if your ADHDer is like mine than you do most of the household chores and it's so nice to have even the littlest help.   Maybe try, once a day to have him do 1 nice thing for you, you'll probably have to ask every time, but hopefully he says yes.  And then also make an effort to do one nice thing for yourself.   Read a book, go for a walk, watch a guilty pleasure tv show, call a girlfriend (or mother in law/sister in law).  I think that if you start doing things for you, you might start to find yourself again.  Or it might not work, but it seems like it would be worth a shot!  Also, I find that I'm incredibly happier if I have time with my friends outside of my marriage.   I know you mentioned in an above post that you don't have any girlfriends that you are really close with, but maybe even just doing dinner/drinks with an old friend, co-worker, or acquaintance would be beneficial to you.  

I think at this point I'm going to forget about your DH, there's so much I could go on and on about with him and his behavior towards you (which really upsets me, and I don't actually know either of you!), but what you need most is you.  So find that.  Start small, but try.   I journal every morning when I get up/before I start my day and I make choices.  I CHOOSE to be happy with my marriage every. single. day. I CHOOSE to be strong. I CHOOSE to live healthy. I sometimes choose to wear purple shoes (for real, I write it down).  Marriage is not easy. It's not always fun. But you choose to stay in it every single day... until you don't.  But whle you choose to stay in it, you should probably choose to be happy with it. Any aspect of it. Find something.  And find you. Also, when you choose to be happy.. you are back in control because it is a decision that you made for yourself. Not something that is just happening. 

I wish you the best of luck. With finding yourself more than anything. I think if you find yourself again, everything else will align. 

Can I just say that there are

Can I just say that there are no truer words spoken than what Sherri has said in her post on 10/22/11.  Until you let go, let God and start caring for yourself you will remain miserable.  PLEASE LET GO!!!!!

Perspective is so hard

In any relationship that is not functioning well for both parties (whether ADHD is present or not) it is VERY difficult to avoid two opposite but present-at-the-same-time problems.  1)  over-magnification.  When you have been hurt many times by a particular event, even reminders of that event trigger the anger, hurt, etc., and you feel those feelings from the past again, and attribute them to the present.  I'm kind of astonished you could, in the same email, be concerned about forgetting groceries AND be talking about emotional (at least) cheating by your husband.  Seems, on the face  of it, that the FB event would have pushed the forgotten groceries out of your mind.  Anyway, sometimes I over-magnify because of our past history and attribute too much importance to events I really should let go.    Problem 2)  under-reaction.  This is the opposite of problem 1, but caused by the same sorts of things.  Over years of being disappointed, hurt, angry, you just get kind of immune to it, or numb, or your standards go down, so you keep accepting worse and worse behavior without alarm bells going off.  For example in your message above, the forgotten groceries and the emotional (at least) cheating are almost on a par with each other. (perhaps not in your mind, but definitely in the context you presented them here.)   There is a psychological principal (called cognitive dissonance) that says when we encounter a situation that makes us uncomfortable, we will either remove ourselves from the situation, or convince ourselves the situation is not so bad.  Your mind literally cannot live with the dissonance of observing or participating in behavior that is abhorrent to you.  So you will be forced to leave the situation or change how you feel about the situation.  So in problem 2, you gradually start to think things that were once very bad are now no longer so bad.  This is your brain trying to help you not feel so bad.  This is how people end up on Jerry Springer thinking everyone lives like that.  Here's a suggestion to see more clearly.  Copy and past your comment above into a word document.  Enlarge the font.  Print it out.  Cut each sentence into a chunk by itself.  If you rambled a bit, cut them apart at the comma.  ;)   Lay out these sentences on the table before you, reading each one.  Sort them into a "this really is ok" pile and a "this is really NOT okay" pile.    Does reading any of your individual sentences kind of stun you?  Then put "I really love him so very much" right next to "He wants someone he can have a family with......not a good fit."    I freely admit I have no experience with infidelity (that I know of) so can't say how I would respond.  I know people who have said it would be a deal breaker but then decided it wasn't after all.  Some worked it out, some didn't.  But you are trying to "work it out" with the absence of the other party.  You are trying to fix things that are resulting from his behavior by trying to figure out what you should do, or do differently.  I did this for three decades.  I never got any better at it.  You can either accept what he is doing, and gradually get used to it, or you can tell him that is not part of how you define marriage.  If ADHD is causing this, he owes it to the marriage to work on it.  If ADHD is not causing this, he owes it to the marriage to work on it.  Someone very wise once said people don't change unless the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing.  This applies to your guy.  And it applies to you.  Unfortunately, some of us are very good at adjusting to accept more and more pain. 

Thank you

Gardener...thank you for your insite.  I was thinking about it last night and yes I have gotten VERY good at just accepting things and moving on, I have been doing it my whole life.  I had never really thought about it before, crazy as that sounds, but I am the person who takes it all in until I cant handle it and then blows up. 

I agree that my DH is not acting the way he should and not respecting me or our marriage.  With that said I have no idea how to make him see that....he has cheated on me twice that I know of (yes probably should have been a deal breaker but I took him back thinking that he was going to get help) and now we have the facebook issue.  Which really isnt a new issue because everything hes telling these women is the same things he told the previous two.  He knows how I feel about it, but really I dont think he cares.  I dont want to just be all up in his face about what I found on Thursday, because I would really like to talk about this and not fight about it.  Ok thats probably a pipe dream, but a girl can wish.

Not sure which way to go and what to do, so for now I am just hanging back and thinking.

From a two ring to a three ring....

Just an update..with the new job and all that good stuff I havent been able to post anything.  We are now in a complete crisis mode, although he doesnt see it.  I plan to ask him for a seperation because he will not put me first in the relationship.  I found out that in addition to the two I knew he was talking to he is also talking to his ex from 10 years ago.  He has told her how much he misses her and loves her and wants back into her heart and life.  He told her that she is his way out of his horrible situation and that he regrets ever marrying me.  They have made plans to spend the weekend together (although if we dont have gas money he will be going nowhere because her house is two hours away) and go from there.  It kills me and basicly I feel like I have had my heart ripped right out of my chest and stomped on but there is nothing I can do about it.  I'm not crying or begging anymore.....I cant, I just hope he will be happy.

I talked to my pastor last night and he was no help at all, just told me to keep praying.  So I am a bit discouraged at the moment.

It is almost as if he is just

It is almost as if he is just putting out feelers for someone to take him up on his offer and then he's gone. That is basically what happened here...we were in a bad place and the first person that came along and offered attention, he was out of here. Please take care of yourself and know that I am praying for you. Please keep us posted!! Been thinking about you!