Clarity and excuses

I purposely stayed away from this message board for about a week. My husband left, and I read through and contributed to several posts in here trying to understand what's going on.

I've been telling my friends about the situation, what led to all of this, and why I felt ADHD was contributing to my husband's unhappiness in our marriage.  I also explained how there were so many unfair things in our marriage, such as him not looking for a job, me having to be the mommy and keeping him on track, and so on, and how I blamed ADHD.

What each and every friend has said is, ADHD is not an excuse!  And it is not a reason for me to compromise and have to work harder than my husband at the marriage.

And that's what it's come down to.  Being on this message board has been very informative, and I love the support on here.  But at the same time, I feel a lot of us here are making excuses for our spouse's behavior, and somehow we're accepting this behavior and letting it go because of ADHD.  When I was reading through the messages and posts, I felt like this was all my fault, that I wasn't working hard enough to put up with his ADHD behavior.  I wasn't holding him responsible for his own actions.  Once I stepped away, I gained clarity about what I really wanted in a marriage, and realized this marriage is not what I wanted.

We need to understand that the ADHD is causing certain behaviors, but this doesn't mean he doesn't have to work on it.  And if he refuses to work on it, then it's time for us to evaluate the marriage and figure out whether it's worth it for us to put up with this.

Just remember: ADHD is a condition, not an excuse!