I wrote this in Feb of this year, just had to get it out of my head.
*******Let it be known, to all who would choose to read this post, the following statements from ADH9er, reflect how ‘HE’ and only HE,feels, and does not reflect, or need to reflect, the thoughts, emotions,or feelings of anyone else, and furthermore, below said statements do not, I repeat, do not excuse, diminish, dilute, make light of, or in any way shape or form, minimize the bonafide undesirable, hurtful, exhausting, negative, unfair, unhealthy effects that HIS NEUROLOGICAL CLINICAL MENTAL CONDITION of ADHD Has - Has Had - or - Will Have, on those persons closest to him, that he dearly loves and needs, or anyone to which his existence comes in contact, either Physically, Cybor-ly, or Hypothetically.*******. Amen
I have made this observation for some time, in my adaptive, ongoing, yet inadequate unsuccessful, mitigation of my ADHD traits, in my marriage, to a ‘mutually’ desirable plateau.
In our mending process, I am adversely affected by those things that my spouse has brought to our relationship, that she is gradually discovering as Co-dependent.( to which, I am very appreciative of this,(her), positive growth of discovery.)
In simple terms, ADH9er’s problem areas, IN RELATIONSHIP, attributed solely to HIS real-time intellectual / emotional capabilities, or lack thereof, can be ‘scored’ or ‘identified’ at a particular level of intensity. Now add the previously mentioned ‘Co-Dependant’ attitudes, suspicions, and / or relational interactions, brought, (though they be unintentional), to the already very difficult challenge. I Judge the resulting combined sum of these TWO parts to considerably intensify that, which I ,ME, DH, HUBBY, OTHER HALF, am HELD (at times contemptuously mind you), to singularly RECTIFY. (Qualifier: “Until such time that Tom ……”)
This is not brought here as an ‘excuse’, or a bid for pity, it is my reality. This, which I perceive as injustice, contributes to my ‘Anger Responsive’ tendencies, which in turn, compounds the overall quagmire, and slows the ‘awaited’ recovery.
I have not found a great deal of conversation, here, (on the forum) that gives testimony to, “oh my gosh, I can see how my contributions hinder & hurt my spouse, making their likelihood of eventual, (even minuscule), ‘Recovery’ increasingly more insurmountable,”and /or“A like portion of, My (non ADHD spouse), own anger & frustration has been unduly levied on them.”
With regard to those, (above alluded to), spousal contributions, i.e. Dysfunction Dividends, I make the point to MY hyper-focus, by its genetic disposition, will, with little divergence even when I intentionally administer counter ‘Re-Focusing’ mindfulness, tend to gravitate toward that which delivers the greatest stimulus at a given time, consuming a vast portion of my ‘Will’, self talk, and emotional reserve, giving rise to subsequent fatigue, resentment and at times, disillusionment. Now add to that, no matter how subtly or diplomatically I approach a conversation to express this sentiment, things go south.
I find that pressing on toward ‘my’ adaptive ‘structural’ alterations is still possible, albeit with greatly reduced motivation and achievement.