I've been checking out this site for the last year +. Finding it is a large part of the reason I was able to remain with my partner after three years of asking him, "What is wrong with you?! Why are you such a jerk, sometimes? Why don't you know how to treat people?!" He'd told me that he'd been diagnosed with ADD when he was younger, but I'd never bothered to do further research about what that meant. I've had friends who have ADD/ADHD and it never affected my life negatively. They just seemed to need to develop some special techniques to manage their study habits in school.
Fast forward to today- we've got an infant and an okay relationship. I love him and definitely feel that we are meant to be in each other's lives in some way. As family and friends. However, I am not committed to our success as a couple. I'm ambivalent about whether or not I want to remain together. It's hard to explain to my partner why he gets negative responses from me (and others) and remain concerned about his feelings when I've got so many of my own that I want to dump over his head.
I've been looking for posts where people talk, specifically, about ways in which parenting with a person with ADD/ADHD has affected their lives and relationships. So far, I have seen my partner do things like hear the baby cry, search for his pacifier for a moment and, not finding it, turn over and go back to sleep, leaving me to deal with baby. He also, because of challenges around recognizing social cues, misses that the baby is getting tired or overwhelmed. He will play (roughly) with him until baby is screaming in his face. Then his response is, "Hey, what's your problem? Why are you being so fussy?"
He's got some stories in his head about the kind of father he wants to be, but his behavior, at times, does not match. He frequently goes out partying and for the end of my pregnancy and the first few months of baby's life, he did not do that. But his birthday just passed and he took it upon himself to decide that that gave him license to go out EVERY WEEKEND in the month. Meanwhile, he's also going to the gym on a daily basis and managing to take 15-20 hours per week for himself.
He's asked me, several times, to help him get organized and I have, to some extent and on certain projects. But I'm firm about the fact that I do not want to play a mommy role for him- reminding him of appointments and agreements that we've made.
I could go on and on, but my story is the same as so many- disorganization and chaos in the home and promises to do better but putting off taking action until I get angry. Keeping items, claiming he's going to use them at some point in the future. I clean up while he's out of the house and he comes home and, within a couple hours, it looks like I was never in the space.