I've been reading a lot about codependency and realize now how much it has affected me and how I dealt with my guy. Previously, I had just been reading about his ADD, never knowing I had anything, which of course is also codependency...trying to fix someone else. I'm not sure where my codependency started. Everything I've read says it can start from something in childhood, but I can't really think of anything there. I have to wonder if it could've happened because my first love/best friend of 9 years ended our relationship by writing a letter and then I never saw him again. I remember the only thing we ever disagreed about in 9 years was one day he wanted to listen to Metallica and I turned it down. That was the only thing...it was one of the last times I saw him. So...moving on to my exhusband...I don't know what I saw in him, but he came around about 6 months after the last relationship ended. What is stupid is I knew he was an alcoholic, his whole family was...I don't drink other than a glass of wine maybe once a month. He was a rock music freak, but not wanting the same thing to happen, I overlooked that. Somehow, we ended up married, had 2 kids, and I have no idea what went wrong other than I was very involved with two little kids and never really had time for him...never noticed he had started sneaking beer on his way home. His mom died and 3 months later, he told me he wanted a divorce. I was sad, but honestly, I didn't care.
I was alone for 5 years when my guy came along. Maybe I was desperate, I didn't feel like I was. I remember thinking he was quite the flirt for being someone who had a girlfriend, but he said they were having trouble. To start with I had told him, he should try to work it out with her, but he kept after me. Finally, I told him he needed to pick and he did...he picked me and said I made him happier than he had ever been. I don't doubt that, but I see now where I tried so hard to keep him happy. The man is not a happy man so as you can imagine, I had my work cut out for me. Once again, I overlooked things that were important to me in order to keep him happy. He hated country music so I never played it...never said anything when he'd cuss...watched all his tv shows....the list goes on. I realize now I should've had boundaries. I gave up so many of the things I loved to keep him happy. His ADD, or maybe it was his Adderall, set him off sometimes. I was always caught off guard because it was always so random so I never thought about telling him he had to treat me with more respect. I always just wanted to calm him down and make him happy so he wouldn't do it again. Eventually, we fell into the pattern of parent /child, which I guess is also a codependency thing. I know I still wanted to make him happy, but I started to fight back and he didn't like it so he pulled in the other direction. He said several times that I was a control freak, but I felt like to many things were spiralling out of control...classic codependency. We struggled so much the last 6 months and I remember wishing he'd leave sometimes, but he never did and neither did I. For all our troubles, I still wanted him around. The last time he blew up at me wasn't even a fight, none of them were really, a lot of times he was actually mad at himself and took it out on me. I had finally had enough and sent him a text that said I'm DONE. He came over that night and was SO SAD about all the things we had planned that wouldn't happen. Knowing what I know now, I could've used that as a time to reset the boundaries. He didn't want to go and I wanted more than anything to kiss and make up, but I agreed to a break instead. For the first time, I actually had boundaries, but then he got so defeated by that and went out drinking, found another woman because he thought breaks never end and totally went off the deep end thinking we'd never get back together. He wa so upset when I actually told him I wanted him back, said he wished I had said it sooner. I think maybe he has a little codependency too. I had asked when he wanted to move his stuff out and he said he wanted to leave it here. So many of the things he said and did just didn't make sense...still don't. He's been with the other woman since last October and last week he brought me his appt card and 3 months prescriptions for his Adderall to keep. I don't get it really, but just put them away like I always have. I am so not sitting here wishing he'd come back, but in the back of my mind, I know that eventually he will. There's a reason he can't tell his family that we're no longer together.
I'm really not sure what to do. I don't think our story is done, which is also a codependency thing, although, I'm not wishing or hoping for it. I just feel it. I'm not chasing him...only text after he does and keep it short. I don't hear from him much, which is ok. I just get this gut feeling that I have not seen the last of him and I want to be prepared mentally for whatever happens. I don't want him to show up one day and I just say welcome back honey and let him walk all over me so he's happy again. It's a crazy thing this codependency does to your brain and way of thinking and acting. I recognize it now so I feel like I have made progress. On the other hand, I know it is what is also preventing me from telling him to take all his stuff and never call me again. I don't think I can do that, but I do think I am getting stronger as days go by.
I can't afford therapy so putting it all out there and asking all of your opinions is going to have to do for now. I've read all I can read online about this. I have been doing more things for myself, painting, developing some new paint colors for the furniture I redo. I've made an effort to not do things for my kids that they are capable of doing. I am learning to let go of some things and make new boundaries for others. But...I am scared that I will just fall right back into happy making if he does come back around. So, for any of you who have been through all of this, what did you read or do that helped? I know some will say I need to move on and I get that, I really do, but I just feel like I need to have all the information possible that will help me to deal with him, no matter what happens.