Wow - this book was suggested by Melissa Orlov last week in a forum post. Wow, wow, wow! Lightbulb moment! A must read for those on this forum.
My husband and I had almost reached the end - well in fact I had reached the end, but he was hoping we weren't there. He couldn't move forward - only focussed on rehashing the past. He really wanted us to get away for a week and see if we could reconnect. So I booked a last minute flight to sunshine and warmth. On the plane we discussed that we really needed to do was give it our all, and let those big walls down. One last chance. I downloaded this book at the airport and started reading it on the plane. My H started reading over my shoulder. It has given us some tools to work on, and given us some direction.
Co-dependency traits - highly emotional, argumentative, defensive, blaming, being blamed, poor boundaries, dysfunctional communication, pleasing other but not yourself, caretaking, giving advice - sounds like many on this forum. All of us! We all seem to think we know what's wrong with our partner and what's need to 'fix' them - and that is leading us all no where.
Think of how peaceful it would be to:
- Take responsibility for our own emotions, our own feelings - not our partners
- Stop rescuing our partner
- Stop allowing someone elses business to spoil your day or your life
The more we try to force something on our partner, the more they try to hang onto what ever you are trying to change. We have been working through chapters each day. There is also a daily meditation, or thought of the day book as well that is a great discussion point, and not too heavy. We are on the road back. We are writing some relationship goals for when we head home. Another key thing is boundaries and being clear to each other what are some of the boundaries that we need to set in order to stop falling back into the old habits. It seems it's not the ADHD that is the issue but our co-dependency that allows it to take over our lives.
We have finally turned the corner and are our way back - hooray!