So, I got duped by hyperfocus husband. My own husband said "I feel like I tricked you". I don't know if I'll ever get over that betrayal. All I know is that my real husband has qualities that I don't even like to be around. I can't be around miserable, negative people. They drag me down without having to say a word. He won't change. He won't change. He will never change. He's not like me. He has no reason to be the way he is, he just is. He has so much to be happy about, but he is just him. Negative and thinks the world owes him. I can't change him. His son can't change him.
I had this crazy idea in my head that he could change for his son. I don't know why I harbored this hope. Well, I'm a hopeful, glass half full type person. I exude positivity. I am literally happy just to be alive. I am always laughing. I am forever looking for solutions. I am movable. I always try to change myself for the better. I really listen to other people. If I have a question, I find the answer myself or ask an expert. I just could not grasp that my husband won't try to better himself. It's a hard pill to swallow.
But I can't change my husband. He is the exact opposite of me. I can't make him like me. I have to get that through my head. It is SO HARD. I have been on a mission to change myself again, but darn it, I still catch myself trying to help him help himself. He doesn't want to help himself. He wants other people to do all the work for him. This is so hard for me to deal with. I would love to get through a week without saying "look it up for yourself.....google it", but my only other option is to do the work for him. I REFUSE! Geez, how hard is it to just pick up your dang phone and use its computer when you already know how to do it? I'm willing to bet his bike payment is late every month, but it's not in my name, so I don't care. He still hasn't found a storage unit, but the truck was paid by his parents and the stuff being moved is his too, so he can keep THAT responsibility. He is so irresponsible.
I'm never going to get more out of my husband. What I see is what I get. I married him and had his child. Now I have to learn how to live with the consequences. Someone has to learn, and it won't be him. This is just so sad to me. Sad on so many levels. I truly believe he has the potential to be so much better. At times, he is more like me, but it is always short lived. Stubborn. What I needed from a partner was there during hyperfocus.
He won't get help. He won't eat right. He won't exercise. He is an alcoholic. He smokes...cheap ones since they are $8/pack here. He never takes out his disposable contact lenses. Never! His snores shake the walls and he's been educated on the consequences, same with everything else on this list. He works hard, but makes sure everyone knows he does. He's a martyr.
Every problem he has is someone else's fault. When pressed, he told me Sunday that he's only unhappy around me. That I suck the happiness from him. Me, who has bent over backwards for him since day one. Me, who works harder than him at everything (hmm, maybe that's it!). Me, who moved 20 hrs north so he could be with his son......again. I got stuck living with him for a bit, at his parents. It has its perks for sure, but this is definitely not what I had in mind. He is the only real negative of it. He just doesn't GET things and it drives me right up the wall. I remember when it was his job that sucked the happiness out of him, and I still had to suffer for it. He expects people and things to provide all of his happiness. I have suggested therapy to get him past this, but he'd never go. He's not the problem. Just like his snoring wasn't the problem even after I refused to sleep with him anymore. Other people are always the problem.
On a positive note, I found a fulfilling job with easy advancement. I landed the job on my 5th day living in this city. It doesn't pay enough now, but it will improve when I train up. I also have a great, cheap live in nanny in my mother in law. I love their whole extended family. This is a wonderful place to live. I just don't like my husband LOL. He's the source of my endless frustration. He just can't/won't improve himself. It's same issue/different day EVERY day! Every single day! If I want to get along with him, I can't have expectations. He won't give his son's bath on time and he might not brush his teeth.
This man appreciates nothing. He never has and he never will. He's selfish and will not self reflect. I have learned this lesson over and over. Might as well get that through my head and make the best of it. We have been getting along great the past two days because I have been very conscious. I start sentences with gentle, sincere statements like "I'm not trying to be rude, but....." and apologizing profusely so as not to hurt tender feelings. But he keeps trying to invade my personal space and I have to keep pushing him out. It hurts his feelings, but GET A CLUE. Stay away from my room. Stop coming in here to bring your son or be with your son. Spend time with him without me!! I need my space. If you don't like having your happiness sucked out, then stay away from the harpy! ;p He tries to be nice. He really does. But an hour ago, he came in my room and interrupted me to ask an inane question about my new fish. "Does the light bother you?" Me: "Huh? What light?" I had to explain the fish light was off because fish rest too. It's bedtime for them. I just learned this last night because I research things instead of just doing whatever the heck I want or bugging another fish ignorant person to research it for me. This is what I was thinking and I'm sure it's what he heard, but I simply said, "google it. I did". His perceptions are definitely off, so I really need to tip-toe around him unless I want to feel his negative energy. He wasn't hearing our son right the other night, so I finally just said, "hey, he's saying he wants your mom". My husband screamed out in frustration at me....for freaking helping. He said it was my tone. Walking on eggshells. I guess we both do it. I tell you it really sucks having to stifle myself all day. I have to do it at work AND at home. I have a fairly strong personality. At least now I have freedom to go out alone. I didn't have that as a "single" mom down south. I don't even have house bills for the time being. His momma cooks or orders dinner five nights a week! And I won't have to face my first horrendous winter alone. We get more snow than any other city! Omg, I'm from the deep south! Wish me luck!!
Anyway, I definitely don't want my son to be like his dad. I don't want a miserable, negative son who relies on other people for everything, including happiness. I'll do my best to prevent it. That is all I can do because his dad will not change. He just won't. He is what he is (unless hyperfocused lol).
I can keep changing me though. I'll keep the most important boundaries and let the little (super annoying) stuff go. I'll stop trying to help because that ish falls on deaf, ADD ears, while simultaneously causing resentment from both sides. I told my husband I was going to try keeping my mouth shut and distancing myself so that we can get along, but I reminded him that when I tried that in Texas, he followed me around picking fights. Well, he is already invading my room, so it looks like history repeating. I'm not sure he gets (harboring hope?) that we are through and been through for almost two years. He's had two yeas to improve....and nothing has. At least he's still working. At least he wants his son. At least he's a nice alcoholic. At least he controls his anger 99.9% of the time, but the miserable moping still takes a toll on me emotionally. I need to work on that.
Ah, good luck to us. All of us.