Coming unraveled

This is my first venture into the forum world and I am hopeful to get some good advice. In recent weeks, the rug has been pulled from underneath me and I feel as though though the life I have been living has been somewhat of a lie. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and have a 2 1/2 year son. My husband also has a son from a previous marriage who is with us 4 days per week. We both work full time and have very busy but happy (or so I thought) lives. After an argument a few weeks ago, we uncovered several issues that we both agreed needed to be worked on. I thought these were just "typical" issues that a lot couples deal with: work, stress, family, how we talk to one another, etc. I sought help with a therapist and my husband agreed to come to therapy with me as well. I went to the first therapy appointment alone and later picked up Melissa's book on ADD and Marriage. Unfortunately, my husband picked up my book, read the title and immediately I saw the walls come up. He has never been officially diagnosed but completely identifies with many, many of the traits of the disorder. He has previously talked openly about it but was somewhat apprehensive to seek help because he does not want to take medications. Needless to say, an argument ensued. He now completely denies having ADD and blames me for all of our issues. He thinks I am a control freak, rigid and I have changed since I had our son. He says he misses the "old, fun, me". It's so classic. The more I read the book and this site, the more I identify with spouses of ADD sufferers. He agreed to go to counseling with me but only after I "fix my problems". He is a very successful highly functioning nurse who runs an entire department. He is very good with money and with our children. I just don't know where to turn next. I find myself doubting everything about myself, my character and our life together. Can anyone else relate?

Yes, many of us relate. So

Yes, many of us relate.

So he will go to counseling only AFTER you go? I would explain that what his 'expectations' are, as far as what HE feels YOU need to achieve in counseling cannot really be clearly defined, so going as a couple to at least identify what EACH of you needs to work on is a better option. Surely he can see that this is only logical. I know he can say "you need to quit trying to control/fix me", and it is true, we can all admit to our compulsion to fix what we see as "broken" (their behaviors)...but he needs to be a part of saving the marriage. Don't focus on the ADHD that you suspect, just focus on getting help, maybe it'll open him up a bit more to it.n

Me... ADD???

I was certainly caught off-guard by the suggestion by my new psychiatrist that I had ADD. I was 43 and Nobody noticed it until now??? He recommended a book and asked that I read through it and come back and tell him what I thought in a month. He gave me a script for the anxiety attacks I was having and me, the guy who has not read an entire book in ten years, read this book in one weekend. I called the doctor on the following Monday and said I needed to see him immediately. I did not want to mull it over, it was OBVIOUS and I truly had a sense of relief and wanted to get myself back together.

Two years later I am essentially the same guy, just fine tuned and not as out of focus. Your husband could find the same sense of relief that I found, once I stopped and listened. I was never a Hyper guy and never had employment issues after my mid twenties. I guess I slipped through the cracks for a long time.

YYZ