Communicating About Money

How do you non-ADD spouses communicate with your ADD spouses about money?

For me and my ADD hubby, it's been one fight after another. When we were dating, he was employed full time, and seemed to be OK with managing his money. I think the fact that he had a surplus was the key. There was enough to eat out most every night and still pay the bills, albeit late since he never had the patience to sit on the phone to make the payment (or the memory to put the bills in the mail). That was before he was diagnosed.

Since we were married, he's been chronically unemployed or underemployed. I have gotten very little help from him. When he's been employed full time, he would tell me that he was getting paid one thing, and I would ask for contributions based on that number, only to find out that he got paid more. I used to think he was spending money on "bad" things, now I just know that he's oblivious to what he spends. 

He's very underemployed right now...making about $150 a week on odd jobs. Since he's moved back in, it's been an issue. He doesn't give me any help and I struggle to pay all of the bills and buy food for us both on my pay. He keeps telling me that he will give me money but it never materializes. His only bill right now is his cell phone and gas money to get to work. He seems to be doing OK with the gas money but the cell phone bill never gets paid and when they threaten to turn it off, he comes running to me, looking for the money. I don't have it! 

We finally established an emergency fund with a portion of our tax refund and I don't want to touch it. But recently, his cell phone kicked the bucket and although he has insurance on it, the company won't replace or repair it until he pays the $100 deductible. He says if he does that, then he won't have the money to pay the monthly bill. So he comes up with the idea to take $300 from the emergency fund and he'll buy a used phone from a friend and then pay $150 to buy me a phone on his plan (we've been meaning to do this for a while). Honestly, I don't want to go onto his plan because then I'll be in danger of having my service cut off due to his non-payment. I will eventually, but not right now. Nor do I want to take money from the emergency fund. I think the money is going to pay for his overdue bill as well because he doesn't have it. He says we'll pay the money back (we'll=me) but I have little faith that will happen. He's never kept his promises on paying me back before. Money is always tight and we desperately need to be saving since we're heading down the foreclosure track on our former home. No one is going to touch me now credit wise and I was the one who always got the loans/credit cards/accounts because my credit was good. Not so anymore. But he doesn't understand that. He tells me that he can spend $60 in three days on eating out and energy drinks "if he's not careful." This is not acceptable...not when money is always tight. And yet, I can't get him to see that. Instead, I get backed into a corner and made to feel like a bad person because I won't help him. This couldn't come at a worse time--he has a job interview this afternoon and every part of me wanting to fight him down on this one, but I didn't want to upset him either. Not to mention that I'm currently dealing with a very, very dear and cherished family member who is dying from cancer. I'm an emotional wreck without adding this to the flames.

So any tips on dealing with money? ADDers are welcome to weigh in on how they manage to manage their money. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I won't go through his wallet and pockets looking for money nor can I compel him to give it to me. He's knows that I need it and yet he doesn't make it a priority. I want to say that things will get better once he has steady work again, but I think I may be foolish to believe that. He's never been big about depositing his checks into a joint account nor do I want to give him access to one because he's proven in past that he can't manage his own bank account much less once that shared by us both. It's a Catch 22.