Submitted by apollo on 06/30/2008.
Here is a question of mine that I'd like to toss out there for some feedback. The question is how do you get your ADD spouse to do something you really need done without making them feel inferior, less, defensive and/or unmotivated? We all know that a person with ADD is more likely to accomplish tasks/goals if they feel motivated to do so. I've also learned from this site as well as other research that very often if a person with ADD feels nagged he/she will "shut down" and a domino effect occurs resulting in no follow through and anger and resentment on both sides. My sister-in-law shared with me that she communicates with her ADD husband in a way that makes him want to do what she needs him to do. How does she do this? How do all of you do this? Can you give examples? (Please understand that I am not referring to manipulation as this is cruel and selfish. My question is a tricky topic to try to explain while keeping brief on a blog. Rather, I am trying to get at the core of how you communicate with a person with ADD so that they feel motivated to do what you need done - "need" being reasonable and fair requests.)
First, Ask Your Sister In Law
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I would love to hear what your sister-in-law does, and if she has any suggestions as well as from others on this forum....she's a good place to start, particularly since she also knows your husband.
How to get ADD spouse to do something important...
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Submitted by jgf on
Submitted by archi on
This is my first visit to this forum and my first day checking into the very real possibility that my husband of 6 years has ADHD. After a certain household chore (on top of several other recent requests) were not completed last night I Stuggled with how to bring it up without nagging or picking a fight. Somehow the conversation was exactly right and he shared with me that a partner at his law firm recently commented to him that he displays some very similar signs and characteristics to his son who has ADHD (in a "looking out for you because you are frustrated and I care about you" way NOT to be mean thankfully). My husband has never been great about talking about his feelings but I really feel like we made huge progress last night with this revelation.
Now reading some of these posts and some articles on this site, it seems fairly clear to me that this is a most likely diagnosis. JGFs post in particular hit hoem so many times...so thank you to all for sharing.
Any suggestions on how to get started? My husband does seem very open to pursuing diagnosis and treatment but I find myslef in scary and unfamiliar territory.
Dear apollo, I simply asked
Submitted by teach on
itty bitty bribes
Submitted by lovelife on
It is very hard to get my husband to do things when I need them done, or how I want them done. If he wants something then I'll say,"If you clean out the garage you can buy it". That worked just yesterday. I try hard to find ways to make it important to HIM. I've been wanting him to bring in more income so I finally suggested we start selling things b/c I can't keep the house up myself. He then began to think of ways to avoid selling things and then suddenly found more work!! I've found that the wording is very important when dealing with an ADD spouse. He will go into attack mode really fast if I interrogate him or "nag" him. Then he seems to be more defiant and intentionally NOT do things that I ask. When I back off of him and let him do it he is much more cooperative. I had to give up the control of having things done my way and learn that he'll do them, but in his way and in his time. My husband married me partly b/c I get things done. Well, control issues also come with this great quality and that aspect drives him crazy. It's definitely a balancing act.