Communication Building block

I have ADHD and have been diagnosed for many years. Take medicine to even out the thinking and have seen many therapists over the years. Over the years I have worked very hard on changing many of the ADHD issues, such as communications, anger levels, job hoping, financial ruin, and task completion. Have I succeeded at all? NO, not at all. AM I still working on them? Yes. Always trying to understand the effects my ADHD has caused in my marriage. I know ADHD does cause issues beyond the normal man-woman issues. I know I am the cause of a lot of our issues, but not all of them.

Have been married for many years and have a grown family. My main issue, from my perspective, is a base building block to all problems, communications. I find that my wife and I miss-interpret most of what we say to each other. Trying to make sure of the intent of the communications I feel is very important. If I, as an Adder, am not supposed to understand subtle cues and have a hard time reading between the lines, I need to validate I am interpreting items as my wife intended them to be understood. She gets very mad about me asking questions to verify I understand her intent.

Many times she will make comments using words that were not what she intended. When I ask about this, or mention that this is what you said, she gets angry and we start the spiral into an argument. She says I should understand what she means, but also says that I won’t Get It. To try to Get It, I inquire about the intent and ask questions.

I have learned to not raise the level of anger but to try to either remove myself form the arena, or not continue to ask the questions. She calls this the ADHD defensive mechanism, but my perspective is that I am trying to understand and do the correct actions. If I don’t do the right action, I am wrong, but when I ask the questions, I am wrong. What do I do?

Many times the buttons are pushed and we get into a full blown argument and then words are sent in both directions that we don’t really mean.

If we can’t even get beyond the interpretation of the communications without fighting, how can we discuss any item of importance? She gets mad when I even bring this up, as most men wouldn’t have this issue and should understand what a woman is thinking and saying. If I ‘Don’t get it” then how can I get info to get it without asking questions?

I do believe this battle has morphed over the years of disrespect, defense, one-upmanship, and blame on who’s right or wrong. I am afraid to say anything on personal subjects as my comments are taken as attacks, which they are not meant to be. Even when I say that, they still are.

One additional question I have is about 2 sets of rules. Many tiles I am attacked for doing some action, but she is allowed to do the same action and I am not allowed to say anything about it. When I do, I am told I am being defensive and the spiral up starts again. All I am trying to do is to have her understand that I don’t understand why she gets mad at me for doing the same thing she does, but I am not allowed to do it.
And as in any ADHD, non-ADHD partnership, there are many other issues, but I just wanted to ask a few questions about these two items. Thanks