Companion or Caregiver?

I have read several books and am very grateful for their insights.  Yet, I am the non-ADHD partner and some days wonder if I will truly ever have a companion, someone to confide in or that is even capable of loving me back.  We actually live separately at the moment (due to work) and it has been a blessing to be reminded of what is important to me and who I actually am (that person has been lost for some time).  It has also provided a window to see just how chaotic/drama-filled he makes his life and how much his adult children add to it.  He is 55, probably ADHD his whole life based on stories I've heard but it is unthinkable to use the term ADHD because that would be admitting a chink in the armor. So, approaching methods to help him are always challenging and have to be done so delicately as not to spark the RSD.  To top it off, now that we are apart (he's supposed to join me as he figures things out with his own work) he has gone back to his 'pot' habit, which he does with his daughters, and that is how they define family fun. The relationship he has wit his daughters is a whole different can of worms, but suffice it to say, they take no notice to their dad's traits and condition.  The pot use decreases his ability to have any sense of good judgment or perception and increases his forgetfulness, as you might imagine, but it also, over time, makes him that much more irascible. I am not a pot smoker, and while it may have value medicinally, that is not how it is being used by the three of them. (perhaps more for a different day)

This leads me to my current dilemma and hope for some sort of advice.  Yesterday was my birthday, it went by without any notice from him. I don't need gifts and a big gala, but it was disappointing to not have any acknowledgement.  Now, I find myself wondering how to process it because it seems like a microcosm of everything important in a relationship (communication, trust, etc). Even if I bring it up, does it really matter? Will anything ever "stick"? How does one impress upon an unraveled ADHD/VAST person about what is important and how to reel it in for their happiness and yours?  Like I said, I've read A LOT of material and am fairly educated, but this feels like a tangled ball of yarn.

I'm just sad, don't know where to turn and wonder if I stay in this relationship (3 years) will there ever be companionship or just caregiving?

Thank you for allowing me to share this, and hopefully there are others who can share pearls of wisdom.