I have read several books and am very grateful for their insights. Yet, I am the non-ADHD partner and some days wonder if I will truly ever have a companion, someone to confide in or that is even capable of loving me back. We actually live separately at the moment (due to work) and it has been a blessing to be reminded of what is important to me and who I actually am (that person has been lost for some time). It has also provided a window to see just how chaotic/drama-filled he makes his life and how much his adult children add to it. He is 55, probably ADHD his whole life based on stories I've heard but it is unthinkable to use the term ADHD because that would be admitting a chink in the armor. So, approaching methods to help him are always challenging and have to be done so delicately as not to spark the RSD. To top it off, now that we are apart (he's supposed to join me as he figures things out with his own work) he has gone back to his 'pot' habit, which he does with his daughters, and that is how they define family fun. The relationship he has wit his daughters is a whole different can of worms, but suffice it to say, they take no notice to their dad's traits and condition. The pot use decreases his ability to have any sense of good judgment or perception and increases his forgetfulness, as you might imagine, but it also, over time, makes him that much more irascible. I am not a pot smoker, and while it may have value medicinally, that is not how it is being used by the three of them. (perhaps more for a different day)
This leads me to my current dilemma and hope for some sort of advice. Yesterday was my birthday, it went by without any notice from him. I don't need gifts and a big gala, but it was disappointing to not have any acknowledgement. Now, I find myself wondering how to process it because it seems like a microcosm of everything important in a relationship (communication, trust, etc). Even if I bring it up, does it really matter? Will anything ever "stick"? How does one impress upon an unraveled ADHD/VAST person about what is important and how to reel it in for their happiness and yours? Like I said, I've read A LOT of material and am fairly educated, but this feels like a tangled ball of yarn.
I'm just sad, don't know where to turn and wonder if I stay in this relationship (3 years) will there ever be companionship or just caregiving?
Thank you for allowing me to share this, and hopefully there are others who can share pearls of wisdom.
Honestly, I doubt things will
Submitted by Beyondwitsend on
Honestly, I doubt things will get better and being in a situation similar to yours (in terms of partner being clueless about holidays etc etc etc) I'd say that you should save yourself the trouble and find someone who's capable and willing to be a true partner. You've only been in this relationship for three years. You don't want to be in a situation where you're asking the same question 10 years down the road. Good luck, and stay strong--you deserve better
Thank you for the candor. It
Submitted by davinci89 on
Thank you for the candor. It has its challenges, and sometimes its really hard to know what the right and best decisions are when love is involved. But, you may be right. The tipping point is now. Our relationship will either move forward with new parameters or it will end. Either way, I know I will be okay. Some days are diamonds and some days are coal.
Tangled ball of yarn....
Submitted by c ur self on
The actions your pondering....Smoking pot, no recognition on your birthday, the self absorbed mind where there is little to no recognition of others needs, and maybe worst of all, a mind that lives in denial of it all, which want allow for communication related to their lives, and the effects their lives have on others, seems to be something (13 years on this end) that is unchangeable...
This web site, my reality, your reality, so so many other's reality, is mainly about this subject....The most damaging thing about loneliness isn't being alone, it being in the presence of one who is only capable of self love....
A mind that is a tangled ball of yarn, and loves it, and justifies it....
c
Yarn
Submitted by davinci89 on
Thank you for taking the time to provide your insights. It always helpful to have a perspective that isn't from the same fishbowl. It is so challenging to see someone you love suffer, especially when some of it just isn't necessary with support, but you are right, if he justifies it, there may be little I can do to help him, but more to help myself. Thanks for the objectivity.
Anniversary gifts
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
After 20 years of my spouse missing most anniversaries I started buying myself an anniversary gift each year. I call it my, "I survived another year" gift. I get something I want with the money I would have spent on him. He actually thinks it's pretty funny and I have let go of that drama. Win-win.
Eureka!
Submitted by davinci89 on
What a lovely idea! Thank you for the flourishing side. Just what I needed, and I am absolutely going out this weekend to do just that
Hold your horses
Submitted by Beyondwitsend on
Before you go out and buy that gift (which you should do anyways), ask yourself if this is the relationship and dynamic you had envisioned for yourself. Is this what you signed up for? When you embarked on this relationship did you say that you would be perfectly happy buying yourself gifts on special occasions with the expectation that the partner you love would do nothing? I say this because I had done the same thing as what the other commenter suggests, and it was liberating at first, but the resentment crept back up strong. We had our 10 year anniversary last summer, and I got nothing; I thought about buying myself a nice piece of jewellery when it struck me that I was really the only one in the relationship. I know three years seems like a long time in a relationship but it's still early days. Love yourself first, list out your needs, and see whether this guy meets any of them. You deserve happiness--not a "I survived this nightmare for another year" token.
Gems
Submitted by davinci89 on
Thank you for the 'gem' of advice (pun intended). You are absolutely right about the long-term implications, and at my age (50+) there is no time for dilly-dallying with nightmares. My approach is more about looking myself in the mirror and answering whether I did my best. If it still doesn't work out, then while it will be sad and hurt, the best I have to offer have been put out there.Every relationship bring more challenges than meets the eye and aren't discovered until you're really in it. He happens to have more challenges than I realized, and so while working through those, I am trying to learn more about the ADHD side and if it is tenable. I look to this group for pearls of wisdom,positive measures and things only we can chuckle about. Your advice is duly noted and will not be forgotten.
I hope you are doing the same for yourself.
Cheers comrade.
Horses!
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I bought myself a ring for my birthday one year, when I was married.
You're spot on.
I felt good about it at the time. But now, when I look at my ring 10 years after our divorce, I am reminded of someone who couldn't be bothered to get me a card.
AMEN
Submitted by c ur self on
AMEN!....
That is a lovely idea! :)
Submitted by c ur self on
I bought my wife a very expensive diamond tennis bracelet for Christmas two years ago...She opened it and showed no thankfulness, and had pretty much negative things to say....(which didn't shock me of course)...But she did it front of our grown kids and our grand kids...Our son in law, called her out in front of everyone about her attitude....I took the bracelet back, and give her the 4 grand in cash, she can use it to travel on....It's difficult to not want to do for those you love, (esp. our spouses) but, at some point when there is no appreciation it's just better to let them buy their own gifts....
c
Engagement ring
Submitted by J.W. on
Been married 8 years now, this reminded me when I bought a small engagement ring for my now wife, made by a artisan who had a booth we both admired at a Christmas booth in NYC. I had it especially made with our birthstones, entertained on two silver stems. She wasn't impressed with the craftsmanship and wanted a "proper" engagement ring worth three months of my then salary. Of course I accommodated her wishes, and now, 8 years later, we are separating. At the time she convinced me it was a reasonable request. I feel like such a fool.
Proper Ring
Submitted by davinci89 on
You are another great example of a thoughtful, loving gift giver. I am sorry your gift was received the way it was and it has now led to your current situation. I find myself wondering if anything I ever do is good enough, as well. Like you, I am a giver, and he is a taker. It means something to me to make others happy, especially those I love and while I don't have any expectation of such gifts in return, I guess I always wanted to know it was appreciated, and I don't know how to let that go. I need better coping mechanisms, and I wonder how you are working your way through your situation? I ask because I don't have anyone close to me who would even remotely understand why I've stayed, how to deal with it, or better understand him. It's unusual for me. I am independent, an executive, and I just happen to love someone with a poorly wired brain. How do you find solace? Love? I realize you are separated at the moment, but what have you learned and what would you do differently? I hope you won't mind sharing. Thanks.
Inverse
Submitted by davinci89 on
Hi C,
It sounds as if you have the inverse problem I have experienced, and what a different perspective for me to take in. Equally as hurtful, either way. I was hoping for nothing more than a simple "Happy Birthday" from my ADHD partner; a gift would have sent me over the moon. I find myself at times struggling to buy him gifts for the same reason you have shared, but he doesn't seem to notice. It's hard to understand if the emotional ties simply are not there or if their brain doesn't connect the dots or they just don't care. Anyway, I spent about the same amount on a vacation for the two of us, and have realized that is just too much money for someone whose brain ping pongs that way.
I hope you are happy with whatever choices you make, and wish you lots of love for your generosity.