My oldest is 4 and was diagnosed with Autism at 2 and I have a 2 year old, both boys. I have been with my husband 13 years married for 7 and spent a vast majority of them thinking I was crazy and everything was all my fault. I've dealt with guilt, frustration, gone on medications everything but for some reason nothing changed. huh go figure. Finally found a therapist that introduced me to ADHD and BINGO there is the Kaos. My husband is undiagnosed and has refused to admit he is anything but perfect - until recently. He has and appt. today with a Psychologist and has gone to 1 other which was when he was in total denial still assuming his perfection and my faults. He is in sales and has learned quickly how to cover up or talk away his behaviors. Basically, he was able to answer the psychologists questions without drawing attention to his ADHD. She sent him home and said he was fine. Well she needs to come and live in my Kaos for a day - he is not fine! It is as if I am the only one that can see his behavior, to everyone else he is nothing but and amazing man, doting husband and wonderful father. I really wish that was true, and in some instances it is but not always.
My husband is pre-occupied always (computer and cell phone mainly), easily distracted, incapable of completing a task or doing it correctly, appears void of any and all emotion, deflects behavior by arguing and "turning the tables", knows how to push my buttons and does to avoid conversation, incapable of holding a conversation for more than 2 min., remembers nothing and lives in a world of utter clutter - hoarder. Basically the typical ADHD behaviors I have read here in the forum.
Yesterday was supposed to be a good day. A cook-out at my Uncles with my family, my kids and my husband. Swimming, playing, visiting, eating etc. Good time right? Then why was I trying to get out of going? Trying to avoid this outing? I went and for the first time realized why I HATE doing these things I used to love. I spent the entire time watching the kids and re-directing my husband. All the fear I thought was because of me were clearly because of him. I spent the day keeping us organized and on schedule (extremely important for children with Spectrum disorders) I had to keep all our stuff together, watch the kids, re-directing my husband. By re-directing I mean if I asked him to do something - get the towels from outside, watch the oldest so I could eat I had to in return watch him to make sure he could compete the task without distraction, chit-chatting whatever. He is great with first time conversations. The fear comes when he has the kids, he is an awesome dad, but again gets distracted easily. When they were in the pool I was a freak. I finally realized why. If my husband gets distracted for 1 second he will loose focus and my kids who are in the pool no floaters and can't swim are in danger. I watched him like an intense hawk the entire time. All 3 of them. My family thinks I am this crazy horrible wife because I kept scolding him. Again they don't see it. I was exhausted and relieved when it was over. I did not eat, visit or have fun and that is my life. If things don't change soon I don't know what I will do. My life is total and utter Kaos and after 13 years, like many of you, I JUST CAN NOT DEAL WITH IT!! I am at a loss, no idea how else to find a balance if he will not admit he has ADHD and even then is there hope?