Something strange has happened in my marriage and I need some advice / possible explanation/help understanding: First some background - My husband has ADHD, he was diagnosed with it when he was a child. He does not take medication and flat out refuses to go to therapy. We have been married 7 years, most of which have been very difficult. When we were dating I was his focus, we would spend time together, he adored me, he would spoil me with extravagant gifts. Once we were married and moved in together things began to unravel. He didn’t help with the household chores, spent a tremendous amount of time watching college football and on college football forums. When our first child was born it continued – he had very little involvement with the baby, and as he grew older things didn’t change – not a lot of fathering. We had a second child, and much the same – very little assistance, little involvement as a father, intense interest in football and other TV. I felt like a single Mom most of the time. Leaving the boys with him for any amount of time was almost an impossibility as he said he couldn’t handle it. I was angry, resentful and would nag him constantly which further caused a break down in our marriage.
Fast forward to 2010. I started researching and reading about ADHD and how it affects marriage. My eyes were opened. I began to understand my husband’s behavior. I started to go to therapy and that helped me understand things further – why I was feeling the way I was feeling, why his actions were what they were and how I could help him feel more capable of being involved with the boys. Our marriage improved.
Now something strange has happened – beginning about 6 weeks ago he has become extremely helpful with household chores (I haven’t done the dishes in 6 weeks because they are always done before I get to them), he helps fold the laundry, gives the kids baths and I even go to yoga once a week for 2 hours. He is more engaged with the kids and isn’t spending time in his “man cave” in front of the TV. It’s been a complete change. But there has also been a downside to this…. His hyper focus has shifted to me. I feel like I am under constant scrutiny, and if I don’t spend every waking free moment with him he gets incredibly upset. I can’t read, can’t watch the TV shows I enjoy because it ends up in a fight (he claims I don’t want to spend time with him). He says that he is scared of losing me and that is what has changed his behavior. This fear is causing him some destructive thoughts – he says that he is so fearful that he constantly thinks about me leaving him, cheating on him, deceiving him and these thoughts are causing him to project these onto me which have fueled some awful fights – I think I have cried every day for the last 6 weeks due to our fights, things he has said, impulsive threats to leave.
I feel like I am being tortured and I am living with a crazy person. Please help me understand what’s going on here…… has anyone ever experienced this?